Jokes Collection

Canadians were asked why they call Americans cousins and not friends.
- Friends are chosen, - they answered.

A naked woman in stockings and a naked man in socks seem to be almost the same thing, but, damn it, the emotions are different.

A person with natural intelligence, unable to solve his problems, created artificial intelligence to solve problems for him?

When in social networks I receive messages from the system "Your possible friend" or "Perhaps you are familiar", I am horrified to understand that someone is being sold on me in the same way ...

- Do you follow the laws?
- Of course, Ohm and Newton.

How many CIOs does it take to change a light bulb?
No matter how many there are, this is not their level of tasks.

How many project managers does it take to change a light bulb?
No one. We take a product approach.

How many IT consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
How much money do you have? And another Tajik, whose fellow villager once changed a light bulb.

How many IT architects does it take to change a light bulb?
It depends on the size of the building, because you need to start with a diagram of the journey of electrons between light bulbs.

How many analysts does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One who is able to listen to the indignation of users, another who knows GOST for replacing light bulbs, and the third who can set a task for programmers.

How many Scrum Masters does it take to change a light bulb?
The number of Scrum Masters should match the number of teams. The main thing is that everyone gathers every day for meetings and fills out the backlog, and in the first iterations, a broken light bulb will do.

How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
Null. This is a hardware issue. By the way, do you work remotely?

How many devops does it take to change a light bulb?
It depends on how many virtual environments you have, in which any member of the team should be able to easily and simply change the light bulb if necessary.

How many testers does it take to change a light bulb?
Why are they needed at all? At best, they can only fix the fact of the absence of lighting.

How many implementers does it take to change a light bulb?
One is enough to advise you to wait for daylight, and for better lighting it will blow the roof off.

How many users does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change the light bulb and another to keep all of the above from her.

- What's the difference between a wife and a shark?
- One is a predatory monster, ready to devour a person, and the second is a fish.

- Tell me, how can you tell from a tree which is north and which is south?
- I beg you! Christmas tree - north, palm tree - south!

- Tell me, what do a criminal and a democrat have in common?
- Both have no nationality.

- I can imagine how our wild ancestors suffered with their wives. Brains zero and shaggy as a monkey.
- What has changed now?
- Well, now the shaggyness has significantly decreased.

According to an old folk tradition, an ice pick should be wrapped in a wedding bouquet at a climbers' wedding, an ax at a lumberjacks' wedding, a pack of bucks at a bankers' wedding.

After Europe allowed eating insects, the expression: "Cognac smells like bugs" will cease to be a figure of speech.

A woman who arranges her nest is a terrible force ... the main thing is not to disturb the flight of a woman's fantasy and support her in time with admiring exclamations and in no case openly protest.

- Hi, John, why so sad?
- Looks like Alicia, tomorrow it will be exactly a year since I did not have sex ...
- A bet for a thousand bucks, what will not happen!?!

Armenian radio was asked: What will happen if oil is found in Armenia?
Answer - Democracy will disappear in Armenia

A good parent is not the one whose baby is silent in the back room, buried in a beautiful phone, but the one near which the child yells, jumps and enjoys life, for whom dad and mom are more interesting than any tempting gadgets.

- Alice, how is your sex life?
- Normally, 14 times a week.
- Wow your husband is the real horse! How does he endure?
- I don't tell him.

It has come to the point that most orders in cafes begin immediately with a tip ...

- Tell me, would you like to ride on a submarine?
- I would still prefer inside ...

I dreamed all night that I was at work. Who will pay for this time?