Jokes Collection

Because they don't have to pay for them.

Cuz they love nuts!

there was only one man that could see the accident. The farmer who owns the house nearby heard the noises and goesto take a look, calling the police and ambulance on the way. 30 minutes later a policeman knocks on his door and asks "Where are the people involved in crash?" The farmer says "Don't worry they were all dead so I buried them." The policeman gets confused and asks if he is 100% sure and farmer replies "Yeah some of them said things like "I'm alive, please stop!" but you know the politicians right? They are all fucking liars.

He was already suspended.

They all end up at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter is there and gathers them all up for the usual speech.

"Considering your life-long devotion to the Lord, we're able to make exceptions for your minor indiscretions. You'll all tell me what you did and go from there."

The first nun steps up, she's got a nervous look on her face and she goes "I may have looked upon a penis. A long time ago."

St. Peter nods and goes "Just dip your pinkie in the holy water over there and go on in."

Second nun wanders up and she's looking more nervous. "I may have...touched...a penis once. Or twice."

St Peter looks a little more solemn and goes "Go wash your hands in the holy water over there and go on in."

Suddenly there's a commotion in the back as one nun begins pushing her way to the front.

"Sister, what's the problem?" goes St. Peter.

The nun, completely flustered, goes "If I'm going to have to gargle that stuff, I would just as soon do it before Sister Margaret puts her ass in it."

you put a floss over their eyes.

Hi brow

So, basically..."Super Cal is fragile-ish except for Halitosis"

They must hear 100 jokes before they get to heaven, if they laugh, they go to hell. The brunette laughs at the 6th joke and goes to hell. The redhead laughs at the 58th joke and goes to hell. The blonde makes it all the way to the 98th joke before laughing, God, puzzled, asks why she laughed when she was so close to heaven. The blonde replies with, "I finally understood the 1st joke!"

A May bee.

Look on their forearm.

Buhdum- sorry...

WHY ARE YOU TAGGED AS RELIGION
Hey, at least it's not my joke. A friend told it to me

a woman walks into her hypnotherapists office and says " Doctor, I have been loyal to my husband for 12 years but, last night I broke that loyalty and had an affair. I just want you to make me forget it happened". The Doctor said " Not again"

i can see your future
(I'm not sure if this has been posted already)

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.

This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.

The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.

The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.

Turns out he was *a big organ donor.*

Wipe it off and apologise.

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the bishop how he had done. The bishop replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. if I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the bishop's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door: 1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp. 2. There are 10 commandments, not 12. 3. There are 12 disciples, not 10. 4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. 5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. 6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ and his disciples as J. C. and the boys 7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook. 8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him. 9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don't say he was stoned off his ass. 10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T." 11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me" 12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry," 13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God. 14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's!

Call the ambulance. Wii U Wii U Wii U.

IT'S FUCKING RAW!

First says to the second " wanna stop in and suck down a cold one?"