Jokes Collection

1 those who understand bianary and 10 those who don't

Man visits a friend in the hospital only to find the other patients in the ward looking a bit odd. "Lucy, what's going on with the other patients today?" said the man to his other half.

"Oh it's the new nurse" said Lucy, "She just keeps getting things the wrong way round! See that man over there with the slack jaw, at 10 O'clock he was supposed to receive 2 pills. Instead she gave him 10 pills at 2 O'clock.
"Blimey, that's terrible" said the man, "What about him over there?".

"Oh yeah" replied Lucy. He was supposed to receive an injection at 6 O'clock, instead he got 6 injections at 1 O'clock!"

"Crikey, how about you Lucy are you okay?"

"She hasn't gotten around to me yet, but I'm getting worried because it's getting worse. See that patient over there behind the curtain, she was meant to prick his boil..."

He started searching for money, so I woke up and searched with him.

Having just moved into his new office, a
pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk
when a PFC knocked on the door.
Conscious of his new position, the colonel
quickly picked up the phone, told the PFC to
enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General,
I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass
along your message. In the meantime, thank you
for your good wishes, sir."
Feeling as though he had sufficiently
impressed the young enlisted man, he asked,
"What do you want?"
"Nothing important, sir," the PFC replied,
"I'm just here to hook up your telephone."

Butt fuck it.

He said, "What are you doing daddy?"
"It's called wanking," I replied. "You'll be doing this soon."
"Why, daddy?" he asked.
"Because my arm is fucking killing me."

...but their son is in the house. So they tell him to go out on the balcony and tell them what's going on in the neighborhood while they do their thing. He proceeds to the balcony and begins reporting what he sees. "Looks like the Jeffersons got a new dog." he said. "Oh! And the Alans are moving out." he exclaimed. "Look at that. Looks like the Johnsons are having sex." The couple stops dead. "How do you know the Johnsons are making love?" said the boys father. After a short pause he replies, "Because their kid is out on the balcony."

No soap, radio.

A Catholic priest is stranded on a deserted island. A man happens to row by the island, and invites the priest to hop in. "Alas, for I cannot accept your charity. My God is kind, and He shall provide."

A few days later, another rowboat happens by, this time piloted by a very attractive woman. She seductively invites the priest into her boat. "Alas, young lady, for I cannot accept your charity. I have renounced the pleasures of the flesh. Besides, my God is kind, and He shall provide."

Another few days passes, and the priest has become malnourished, dehydrated and sickly. Another boat happens by, this time being rowed by another Catholic man who is carrying a load of fruit, smoked meats, and fresh water. The man invites the priest into his boat to share his food and water, and escape the island. "Alas, my brother, for I cannot accept your charity. As you know, our God is kind, and He shall yet provide."

The priest quickly fades and dies soon therafter. Upon reaching the pearly gates, he laments his death to the almighty.

"Oh, God, how I devoted my life to spreading your word, yet you left me alone to starve and thirst to death on an island. I had faith you would provide, and you have forsaken me in spite of my faith! I must know why!"

God looks incredulously at the priest and replied, "What do you want from me? I sent you three fucking boats!"

Father: " Son, I just don't understand some of these things, I want to ctrl D but when I do I end of pasting everything?"
My response "No dad, that's ctrl V"
Mother responds " Well he couldn't ctrl his D in my V 15 years ago either!"

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."

The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, and then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."

The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion."

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?"

One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. What about your son?"

The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub."

The three friends said: "What a shame...what a disappointment."

The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends!"

Lesbiyinz.

...Levels Japanese City.

A wind tunnel.

He asks what they are waiting for and they say they are there to confess their sins. The father tells them to come one by one, so the first one approaches and says:

"Father, forgive me for my sin. I touched a male's genitals using my left hand."

So the father thinks and says:

"Go there and wash your left hand with the holy water."

And the sister goes and washes her left hand with the holy water.

The second one approaches and says:

"Father, forgive me for my sin. I touched a male's genitals using my left hand and I rubbed it a little bit."

So the father thinks and says:

"Go there and wash your hand with the holy water. Don't forget to rub your hand in the water too."

And the sister goes and washes and rubs her left hand with the holy water.

Then, he realizes that the 3rd and 4th sisters are arguing. Father asks what is going on.

The third one tells the father that the fourth sister is trying to take her spot. The fourth one desperately goes:

"Father, I just wanted to gargle before she washes her ass."

Classical Conditioning

(told by my psychologist student friend that is not on reddit, so all credit to him)

But numbers can
4/10

It was a running joke.

Then he should give sexting a go.

Before marriage:

Him: Great! Finally the day I have been waiting for is about to arrive. I am so excited!

Her: Is it still possible to call it off?

Him: No, don't even think about it!

Her: Do you love me?

Him: Of course!

Her: Will you betray me?

Him: No. Why would you even think about that?

Her: Can you come here once and give me a kiss?

Him: Of course, and certainly more than once!

Her: Will you ever hit me?

Him: Never!

Her: Can I trust you?

For after marriage, read from the bottom to the top.