Jokes Collection

Every time it reaches one of the river banks it drops eight inches. A fish in the river sees the fly and thinks to himself, "when that fly gets low enough I'm going to jump up and get that fly". A bear sees the fish and thinks to himself, "when that fish jumps up to catch that fly, I'm going to go catch that fish". A hunter hiding in the bushes next to the lake sees the bear and thinks to himself, "when that bear goes to catch that fish, I'm going to shoot that bear". Now this hunter had a cheese sandwich in his back pocket, and a mouse sees this cheese sandwich and thinks to himself, "when that hunter shoots that bear, that cheese sandwich will fall out of his pocket and I'm going to go get it". A cat sees the mouse and thinks to himself, "when that mouse goes after that cheese sandwich, I'm going to go catch that mouse". Well the fly drops, the fish jumps, the bear goes after the fish, the hunter shoots the bear, the cheese sandwich falls, the mouse goes after the cheese sandwich, the cat jumps at the mouse but misses and falls into the river!

The moral of the story is, when flys drop eight inches pussy gets wet.

"Tab open or closed?" says the bartender.
"Open" she says.
So he services her all night long.

A man walks into a bar and orders a double entendre.
At the end of the night, the man is looking through his wallet.
The bartender says, "Do you need something?"
"Just the tip." says the man.
"For me?" says the bartender, opening his mouth.

A woman walks into a bar and orders a double entendre. She immediately heads to the far back of the bar.
Drink in hand, the bartender searches the bar, smiles as he spots the woman, and then he gives it to her in the rear.

A minor walks into a bar and orders a double entendre.
The bartender says, We do not serve minors here."
The minor leaves.

Did you hear about the Mexican terrorist who planted a bomb on the train?

He had loco motives.

Zoos

Jane and Arlene were outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

**Arlene:** *What in the hell is that?*

**Jane:** *A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.*

**Arlene:** *Where did you get it?*

**Jane:** *You can get them at any pharmacy.*

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.

*'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'*

so I pulled out a bar stool.

...and they are bragging about their families.

"My wife and I have 4 strapping young boys" says the Jewish man. "If we have one more, we would have our own basketball team."

"Well, good for you" says the Catholic. "But we have 10 healthy sons. If we would have one more we would have our own football team."

"That's nothing" says the Mormon. "I have 17 wives. If I have one more I would have my own golf course."

"That's the first time you've given anyone a trial."

...As he turned and sneered at me, I thought: 'that's a little condescending'.

When LHC discovered Higgs Boson, it literally became deus ex machina.

then I probably reposted somebody elses joke

This is not the first time he has tried to kick a black family out of their home.


Credit : Snoop Dogg

Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.

Maddie McCan

He was caught drinking on the job...

It's nothing more than viscous rumours.

But then I realized they'd probably just spend it on drugs.

TINDERRRRR!!!!

Keem Jong Un.

Hydrogen Barackside