Jokes Collection

A man walks in and sits next to her. He, too, is drinking and depressed. After a time, the man asks the woman, "What are you so depressed about?"
She says, "My husband left me because he thought I
was too kinky."
He says, "Really? My wife left me because she
thought I was too kinky!"

They order another drink, and she says to him, ''Hey listen, we're both adults here, and it looks like we might have a little something in common . . . whaddya say we go back to my place and see what happens?"
He says, "Sounds like a great idea!" And they finish
their drinks and leave.

When they get to her place, she says to him, "Wait
right here, I'm going to go change into something a little
more comfortable." She goes to her bedroom and puts on
some black leather boots with six-inch heels, a leather mini-skirt, a rubber bra with the nipples cut out, a dog collar, and a leather hood. She then grabs a riding crop and some handcuffs and saunters seductively out to the living room
where she sees the guy putting on his coat and hat and heading out the door.

"Where ya going?" she asks. "I thought we were going to get kinky?"

Hey!" he says, "I fucked your dog, I shit in your
purse . . . I'm outta here!

He opens the door and sees a snail sitting there on the porch. He picks up the snail, and throws it as far as he can.

Three years later, there's a knock on the door. The man opens the door. There sits the same snail.

The snail says, "Now what the hell was that all about?"

Don't take her for granite

A man was talking with his friend one day, and he said:

"I was walking to town one day when a ram came out of nowhere and attacked me".

"Did you complain to the owner?" said the friend.

"That I did" said the man, "but the problem is that the owner turned out to be a lawyer, and he kept defending his ram until he made me the one who attacked the ram.."

A con-fession.

A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time ..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit ..."

2: "Who's there?"

1: "Europe."

2: "Europe who?"

1: "no ur a poo"

Ash

Hey, I won't dick-scriminate.

A wife was dying. She called her husband and said, "Gary, I've been unfaithful."

Gary answered, "I know. That's why I poisoned you."

KFC isnt open on holidays

...and all that pervert did was ask me what I thought of a bunch of dirty pictures some guy named Rorschach painted.

Just thought i would come clean

...there was a king who ordered to spread the news that if someone could come up with a lie so big that it can't be believed at all the king would gift them a big barrel of gold .

On the first day came forth a shepherd and said to the king : my grandfather had a stick that he could move the stars with, the king simply said : my father had the same one, i used to play with it all the time... the Shepherd left empty handed.

Then on the second day came a tailor and said : i'm the only one who can sew the sky, the king said : you are not doing a very good job because yesterday it was raining... again the man left with nothing

Then came a young man who said to the king : you promised me half of your kingdom!
The king was stumped because if he said the man wasn't lying he would have to give him half of his kingdom so there was no choice but to give him the big barrel of gold.

Then later that day the king sent the young man 10 strong men who shoved the barrel up his smart ass.

Bob.
Same guy laying on the floor? Matt.
Same guy hanging on the wall? Art.
Same guy in a mailbox? Bill.

We just got confirmation that we'll be having a girl. As soon as my dad heard this, he insisted on naming her Joan.

I asked him why, and he said that he thought the world needed more people with interesting, history-based names. He used my name, Marc, as an example. He said that my name is based on Marcus Aurelius, a Roman emperor.

I then asked him what person that "Joan" was based on.

He replied, "well after Joan of Marc, of course."

Three guys found themselves in Hell: we will call them Carl, Bob, and Brett, they were a little confused at their present situation, and they were startled to see a door in the wall open, and behind the door was perhaps the ugliest woman they had ever seen. She was 3'4", dirty, and you could smell her even over the Brimstone. The voice of the Devil was heard, "Brett, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Brett was whisked through the door by a group of lesser demons to his torment.

This understandably shook up the other two, and so they both jumped when a second door opened, and they saw an even more disgusting example of womanhood gone wrong. She was over 7' tall, monstrous, covered in thick black hair, and flies circled her. The voice of the Devil was heard, "Carl, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Carl, like Brett, was whisked off.

Bob, now alone, felt understandably anxious, and feared the worst when the third door opened. And as the door inched open, he strained to see the figure of ... Cindy Crawford. Delighted, Bob jumped up, taking in the sight of this beautiful woman, barely dressed in a skimpy bikini. Then he heard the voice of the Devil saying:

"Cindy, you have sinned ........"

When I rubbed it the genie said

'You may have a long memory, or a long penis'

I forget my response

I dont Always wake up at 4 AM on Saturday....!!!!!!!!!






But When i Do....it because i forgot to pull out on time 3 years ago

I asked her why and she said "I just found out that you're a pedophile" and I said "pedophile? That's a big word for and 8 year old"