Jokes Collection

He was nailed by 3 guys.

...and all his work buddies gather round to ask him how it went. The first guy asks, "So how many times did you get it on?" "Oh, we didn't, she's got a herpes outbreak." Everyone's sympathetic saying that's too bad when the next guy asks "So how come you just didn't do her in the butt?" "Well she had diarrhea." Another chimes in with "Did you at least get a blowjob?" "Well she has pyorrhea too." All the guys are stunned silent, finally one of them asks, "Soo, ummmm, why did you marry this girl?"
Cuz she's got worms too, and I *LOVE TO FISH!!!*

A man was sunbathing naked at the beach. For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates. A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."

He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't so ugly, it would lift itself."

Ones a busty crustacean the other is a crusty bus station

Because he kneaded a poo.

There was a B buzzing in my ears.

One who can read, one who can write, and one to keep an eye on the other two "elitist intellectuals."

After many years of
wandering, he finally arrived in a small village in
the middle of nowhere. The people there
believed in the same religion as he did, but they
had no church; they had to go to the nearest one
which was in a small town 25 km's from there.
The priest took the initiative, asked the Church
for support, and with the help of the local men
they built their own temple. From there on, he
was celebrating the Sunday masses, joining
together men and women in Holy Matrimony, and
saying prayers at the funerals.
Many years passed by like that.
At the end of an ordinary mass, in early spring,
on a chilly Sunday morning he was just guiding
the people out of the church, was about to close
the gates when an unknown man stepped into
the churchyard.
With his dirty and torn clothes, he stood before
the priest and said:
Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon!
- the priest was a good man, and even though he
thought the request was a bit strange, he went
back to the rectory, took out a lemon, cut it in
half, took it back to the man and gave it to him,
who looked back to the priest with gratitude.
However, the priest was curious. He asked:
Son, why do you need this half of a lemon? - with
a fright on his face, and before the priest could
have said a thing, he rushed out of the
churchyard gate and took off.
A week later, around the same time, when the
priest was leaving the church, he found himself
in front of the same man in the churchyard. The
man said:
Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon!
- the priest was surprised by the appearance of
the man and his strange request. Of course he
was good, went back to the rectory, and brought
the half lemon. Placed it in the stranger's hand
and immediately he asked:
Here it is, my dear son, but please tell me why
do you need this half a lemon? - the man was
obviously frightened and immediately ran away
but the priest was not sluggish either and ran
after him. He wasn't in a very good condition, he
has never run so much and so fast before so he
was out of breath by the end of the village,
almost fainted. He thought the strange man
might appear again next week, and it would be
nice if he could keep up with him, so he spent
his week working on his cardio. It turned out to
be a good idea, because as he thought, the
stranger entered the churchyard on Sunday. The
priest didn't even wait for the request, he was
good, and brought the half lemon. He received
these words from the man:
Thank you priest for being so good and giving me
half a lemon.
Don't mention it son, -said the priest- but please
tell me, what do you need it for?! - by the time
he finished his sentence the man was already
running, but the priest was close behind. They
were running for a while and the priest was
starting to feel exhausted when they arrived at a
wide and swift river. The stranger without
thinking threw himself into the river and swam
across the river and disappeared on the other
side. The priest didn't follow because he couldn't
swim. He was annoyed when he got home. He
spent the next week learning to swim at the
swimming pool in the small town 25 km's away.
He was anxiously waiting for the next Sunday;
now he was sure that the weird fellow would
visit again. On Sunday, as he was closing the
church, the gate creaked, and entered the man:
Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon!
- the priest was good, went back, put on his
swimming trunks, his running shoes, grabbed half
of the lemon and took it to the stranger:
Here it is, my son, but please tell me already,
why do you need it? - the guy was terrified,
rushed out the gate with the priest following.
Reached the river, swam across, the priest right
behind him. He kept running on the other side of
the river and the priest was still on his tail. They
kept running until they got to a tall tree on the
verge of a deep ravine. The man climbed the
tree with the agility of a cat, the priest not
knowing how to climb a tree, stood on the
ground. He was cursing everything as he walked
back home. The following week the villagers
watched as the priest in the garden of the
church climbs trees, jumping back and forth, and
generally behaving very strangely. The priest
didn't care, he was exercising obsessively,
preparing himself for the meeting. On Sunday
before the mass, he put on his trunks and
running shoes under his cassock. In fact, he was
good and put half a lemon in his pocket in
advance. The mass finished much earlier than
usually, and he emptied the church as soon as
possible so he could warm up. In the same exact
time the mass should have ended, the strange
man entered the churchyard.
Priest, please be good... - the priest was already
handing him half of a lemon, and asked:
Son, why do you need it for God's sake? - the
man ran away terrified, the priest followed him.
They ran to the river, swam across, ran to the
tree, climbed up. The priest almost catched the
stranger when he grabbed a vine and swung to
the other side of the ravine. The priest was
about to have a stroke, but then he saw another
vine. Whoop, he grabbed it and swung across.
There, however, he encountered an unexpected
obstacle: it was a plane graveyard and the man
closed himself in one of the wreckages. The
priest was raging as he walked around the
wreckage several times, but he found no
entrance except for the sealed door on the side
of the plane; he had to open it somehow. He
was furious but he went home. He spent every
day at the village's locksmith and learned every
possible way of opening a lock. On Sunday he
held the mass in his swimming trunks, running
shoes, on his back in a waterproof backpack was
a crowbar, a cutting torch, a wrench and a drill,
then he stood in front of the church and waited
for the man. He was there on time.
Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon!
There you go, son - handing him the lemon,
because he was good, but in the same time he
grabbed the stranger's arm, pulled him close, and
with obsession in his eyes, asked:
But what do you need it for?! - panic came over
the man as he made his escape from the
priest's hands and ran away, but the priest was
very close behind. Racing to the river they
quickly got across, running up the tree almost
breaking their necks, one after the other swung
across the ravine, the man barely managed to
close the door of the wreckege in the priest's
face. Little did he know that the priest would not
stop there, because he grabbed his backpack
and started working on the lock with his tools. In
less than an hour the heavy door creaked open.
Inside, the stranger was shivering in horror, he
was afraid of the priest's fierce and triumphant
look. The priest slowly strode up to the man,
crouched down, and very quietly, with a friendly
smile on his face, gently asked:
Son. You have been asking for half a lemon for
the last few weeks. I'm very happy to give it to
you, even in the future, I am only asking in return
that you tell me: why do you need it?
All right, priest ... - came the answer in a
trembling tone - I will answer your question, but
please, be good, and do not tell anyone.
The priest was good, and never told anyone.

- I saw my girlfriend going to the movies with another guy the other night.
- Oh my god. Did you follow them?
- No.
- Why not?
- I had watched the movie before.

a weeaboo-hoo

a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, 'Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we were destined to meet and be friends for the rest of our days.'

The man replies, 'I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!'

The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.'

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle before handing it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it to the man.

The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'

The woman replies, 'No, I think I'll just wait for the police...'

He was so hungry, he ate himself

I know because I've weighed myself before and after I walk into work.

They still got the highest pick.

By taking large bytes!

It's called "Eat-T, The Extra Cholesterol".

Non of your concern.

They always tell me I have an outstanding balance!

Ur Anus.

He called it "Aloha-Wok-bar".