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What is the difference between a corn farmer with epilepsy and a prostitute with diarrhea?
One shucks between fits
One shucks between fits
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Trump's first day at the Oval Office. First briefing by the CIA, Pentagon, FBI:
Trump: We must destroy ISIS immediately.
CIA: We cannot do that, sir. We created them along with Turkey, Saudi, Qatar and others.
Trump: The Democrats created them.
CIA: We created ISIS, sir. You need them or else you would lose funding from the natural gas lobby.
Trump: Stop funding Pakistan. Let India deal with them.
CIA: We can't do that. It is Modi in India and not Manmohan.
Trump: So what?
CIA: Modi will cut Balochistan out of Pak.
Trump: I don't care.
CIA: India will have peace in Kashmir. They will stop buying our weapons. They will become a superpower. We have to fund Pakistan to keep India busy in Kashmir.
Trump: But you have to destroy the Taliban.
CIA: Sir, we can't do that. We created the Taliban to keep Russia in check during the 80s. Now they are keeping Pakistan busy and away from their nukes.
Trump: We have to destroy terror sponsoring regimes in the Middle East. Let us start with the Saudis.
Pentagon: Sir, we can't do that. We created those regimes because we wanted their oil. We can't have democracy there, otherwise their people will get that oil - and we cannot let their people own it.
Trump: Then, let us invade Iran.
Pentagon: We cannot do that either, sir.
Trump: Why not?
CIA: We are talking to them, sir.
Trump: What? Why?
CIA: We want our stealth drone back. If we attack them, Russia will obliterate us as they did to our buddy ISIS in Syria. Besides we need Iran to keep Israel in check.
Trump: Then let us invade Iraq again.
CIA: Sir, our friends (ISIS) are already occupying 1/3rd of Iraq.
Trump: Why not the whole of Iraq?
CIA: We need the Shi'ite gov't of Iraq to keep ISIS in check.
Trump: I am banning Muslims from entering US.
FBI: We can't do that.
Trump: Why not?
FBI: Then our own population will become fearless.
Trump: I am deporting all illegal immigrants to south of the border.
Border patrol: You can't do that, sir.
Trump: Why not?
Border patrol: If they're gone, who will build the wall?
Trump: I am banning H1Bs.
USCIS: You cannot do that.
Trump: Why?
Chief of staff: If you do so we'll have to outsource White House operations to Bangalore. Which is in India.
Trump: What the hell should I do???
CIA: Enjoy the White House, sir! We will take care of the rest!!!
God save the world from America!
Trump: We must destroy ISIS immediately.
CIA: We cannot do that, sir. We created them along with Turkey, Saudi, Qatar and others.
Trump: The Democrats created them.
CIA: We created ISIS, sir. You need them or else you would lose funding from the natural gas lobby.
Trump: Stop funding Pakistan. Let India deal with them.
CIA: We can't do that. It is Modi in India and not Manmohan.
Trump: So what?
CIA: Modi will cut Balochistan out of Pak.
Trump: I don't care.
CIA: India will have peace in Kashmir. They will stop buying our weapons. They will become a superpower. We have to fund Pakistan to keep India busy in Kashmir.
Trump: But you have to destroy the Taliban.
CIA: Sir, we can't do that. We created the Taliban to keep Russia in check during the 80s. Now they are keeping Pakistan busy and away from their nukes.
Trump: We have to destroy terror sponsoring regimes in the Middle East. Let us start with the Saudis.
Pentagon: Sir, we can't do that. We created those regimes because we wanted their oil. We can't have democracy there, otherwise their people will get that oil - and we cannot let their people own it.
Trump: Then, let us invade Iran.
Pentagon: We cannot do that either, sir.
Trump: Why not?
CIA: We are talking to them, sir.
Trump: What? Why?
CIA: We want our stealth drone back. If we attack them, Russia will obliterate us as they did to our buddy ISIS in Syria. Besides we need Iran to keep Israel in check.
Trump: Then let us invade Iraq again.
CIA: Sir, our friends (ISIS) are already occupying 1/3rd of Iraq.
Trump: Why not the whole of Iraq?
CIA: We need the Shi'ite gov't of Iraq to keep ISIS in check.
Trump: I am banning Muslims from entering US.
FBI: We can't do that.
Trump: Why not?
FBI: Then our own population will become fearless.
Trump: I am deporting all illegal immigrants to south of the border.
Border patrol: You can't do that, sir.
Trump: Why not?
Border patrol: If they're gone, who will build the wall?
Trump: I am banning H1Bs.
USCIS: You cannot do that.
Trump: Why?
Chief of staff: If you do so we'll have to outsource White House operations to Bangalore. Which is in India.
Trump: What the hell should I do???
CIA: Enjoy the White House, sir! We will take care of the rest!!!
God save the world from America!
...are discussing what kinds of patients are the easiest for operations.
The first surgeon said, "Electricians are the easiest. Everything inside is color coded."
The second surgeon said, "No, librarians are the easiest. Everything inside is in alphabetical order."
The third surgeon said, "No, politicians are by far the easiest. There's no heart, no guts, no spine, no brain, and no balls. Plus, the head and ass are interchangeable."
The first surgeon said, "Electricians are the easiest. Everything inside is color coded."
The second surgeon said, "No, librarians are the easiest. Everything inside is in alphabetical order."
The third surgeon said, "No, politicians are by far the easiest. There's no heart, no guts, no spine, no brain, and no balls. Plus, the head and ass are interchangeable."
A man brought a very limp dog into the veterinary clinic. As he laid the dog on the table, the doctor pulled out his stethoscope, placing the receptor on the dog's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, but your dog has passed away." "What?" screamed the man. "How can you tell? You haven't done any testing on him or anything. I want another opinion!" With that, the vet turned and left the room. In a few moments, he returned with a Labrador retriever. The Retriever went right to work, sniffing and prodding, checking the poor dead dog out thoroughly. After a considerable amount of sniffing, the Retriever sadly shook his head and said, "Bark".
The veterinarian then took the Labrador out and returned in a few moments with a cat, which also checked out the poor dog on the table. As had his predecessors, the cat sadly shook his head and said, "Meow." He then jumped off the table and ran out of the room. The veterinarian handed the man a bill for $600. The dog's owner went berserk. "$600! Just to tell me my dog is dead? This is outrageous!"
The vet shook his head sadly and explained. "If you had taken my word for it, it would have been $50, but with the Lab work and the cat scan....
The veterinarian then took the Labrador out and returned in a few moments with a cat, which also checked out the poor dog on the table. As had his predecessors, the cat sadly shook his head and said, "Meow." He then jumped off the table and ran out of the room. The veterinarian handed the man a bill for $600. The dog's owner went berserk. "$600! Just to tell me my dog is dead? This is outrageous!"
The vet shook his head sadly and explained. "If you had taken my word for it, it would have been $50, but with the Lab work and the cat scan....
JaMarcus Russell, Vince Young, and Johnny Manziel walk into a bar. Suddenly, gunfire in the bar erupts. Who survives?
None of them, because none of them could get first down.
None of them, because none of them could get first down.
About 35 years ago there was a single man taking a drive down a seeming empty country side. His car began to stall a bit as he turned down the green, mountainous land. When it finally died it just so happened to roll in front of a little monastery.
A monk came out and asked if he needed help. There was no reception anywhere and the nearest station was at least 75 miles so he obliged. The monks took him on and said they could fix his car at no charge but it would take the night. The man was having a midlife crisis so he did not even have a plan for where he was heading. He had quit his job and was just traveling anywhere.
After he barely dozed off to thoughts about what was next in life for him he heard this strange, mesmerizing sound. It started light, but grew to a louder hum that seemed to penetrate his soul. He could feel power coming from the sound and pure beauty. It kept him up all night. The next morning the monks told him his car was fixed and asked if he needed anything else.
"I would like to know what was that sound?" The man asked.
"Sorry I can't tell you because you're not a monk." The head monk replied.
The man shrugged it on and moved on with his life. He ended up getting a small apartment and a boring office job. He never forgot the sound but it gradually became a very faded memory until one fateful day.
The man got a job offer at a bigger firm back across the country and he packed up his car to head back. He was going to be making almost triple what he was and have more perks. he decided to drive the same scenic route from 5 years ago and revisit the colorful countryside.
As his car moved him down the pavement he suddenly heard a familiar sound. The engine echoed a call familiar to five years ago and began to stutter. Fate must have returned him because it broke down in front of the same monastery.
As he lay awake at night, this time not sleeping at all, he let the same strange sound soak into his being. It consumed him, he could not escape it and he knew it brought him back.
The next morning he begged to be told or shown the source of the sound, but was met with the same friction.
"I can't tell you because you are not a monk."
He pleaded, "obviously you weren't always monks if some of you can fix cars like this foreign one. Please tell me how can I become a monk."
The monk could feel the triangular connection between this man, the universe and himself. He decided he was worthy and told him to become one with nature.
The monk gave him to simple tasks for anyone destined to be a one of them, "Travel all the world and become one with yourself and the earth. When you have traveled the world and can tell me the exact number of grains of sand and blades of grass you will be a monk."
The man set out on his journey, forgoing the new job. It took him 30 years but he traveled all of the world and finally understood the answers. He was able to see the numbers because he became on with the world itself. To him it was now like counting fingers. It was simple.
He returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, I have traveled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for.. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.
The monk congratulates him and says, "You are now one of us. You are ready for the secret to the sound, the secret of the monk, the secret of the universe."
That night they headed down to a basement where the sound was getting louder and louder with each step. The power was radiating through the man and around him already as he stepped to the wooden door.
"What you seek is behind the door." The monk stated.
The man pulled at the wooden door but it was locked so he asked the monk for a key. The monk already had it in his hand and gave it to him. Behind that door is a door made of stone. The man asked for the key to this one as it was locked as well.
"use your palm, you already know the technique." The man was hesitant but as he had become one with the world he believed and places his palm on the door. The rich sound was vibrating the door to his touch and opened for him.
This continues on through a ruby door, a sapphire door and even more...emerald, silver, topaz, amethyst.
Until finally they reach a door made of diamond. It is suddenly quiet as they stand before the door. The man places his palm on it and nothing happens. The monk tells him to believe and it will open.
As the man closes his eyes and breath deep, remembering the past 30 years something begins to happen. The sound returns, humming low at first. It is as if the sound is intertwined into the gleaming beams of light reflecting off the diamond door.
The sound now surround him, it floods out as the doors burst open. He open his eyes and is astonished. Here is the most astonishing, beautiful thing in all of the universe. Tears form in his eyes but are swept away in the radiance of the light and sound. He can't believe what he just saw.
I just can't tell you what it was because you're not a monk.
A monk came out and asked if he needed help. There was no reception anywhere and the nearest station was at least 75 miles so he obliged. The monks took him on and said they could fix his car at no charge but it would take the night. The man was having a midlife crisis so he did not even have a plan for where he was heading. He had quit his job and was just traveling anywhere.
After he barely dozed off to thoughts about what was next in life for him he heard this strange, mesmerizing sound. It started light, but grew to a louder hum that seemed to penetrate his soul. He could feel power coming from the sound and pure beauty. It kept him up all night. The next morning the monks told him his car was fixed and asked if he needed anything else.
"I would like to know what was that sound?" The man asked.
"Sorry I can't tell you because you're not a monk." The head monk replied.
The man shrugged it on and moved on with his life. He ended up getting a small apartment and a boring office job. He never forgot the sound but it gradually became a very faded memory until one fateful day.
The man got a job offer at a bigger firm back across the country and he packed up his car to head back. He was going to be making almost triple what he was and have more perks. he decided to drive the same scenic route from 5 years ago and revisit the colorful countryside.
As his car moved him down the pavement he suddenly heard a familiar sound. The engine echoed a call familiar to five years ago and began to stutter. Fate must have returned him because it broke down in front of the same monastery.
As he lay awake at night, this time not sleeping at all, he let the same strange sound soak into his being. It consumed him, he could not escape it and he knew it brought him back.
The next morning he begged to be told or shown the source of the sound, but was met with the same friction.
"I can't tell you because you are not a monk."
He pleaded, "obviously you weren't always monks if some of you can fix cars like this foreign one. Please tell me how can I become a monk."
The monk could feel the triangular connection between this man, the universe and himself. He decided he was worthy and told him to become one with nature.
The monk gave him to simple tasks for anyone destined to be a one of them, "Travel all the world and become one with yourself and the earth. When you have traveled the world and can tell me the exact number of grains of sand and blades of grass you will be a monk."
The man set out on his journey, forgoing the new job. It took him 30 years but he traveled all of the world and finally understood the answers. He was able to see the numbers because he became on with the world itself. To him it was now like counting fingers. It was simple.
He returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, I have traveled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for.. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.
The monk congratulates him and says, "You are now one of us. You are ready for the secret to the sound, the secret of the monk, the secret of the universe."
That night they headed down to a basement where the sound was getting louder and louder with each step. The power was radiating through the man and around him already as he stepped to the wooden door.
"What you seek is behind the door." The monk stated.
The man pulled at the wooden door but it was locked so he asked the monk for a key. The monk already had it in his hand and gave it to him. Behind that door is a door made of stone. The man asked for the key to this one as it was locked as well.
"use your palm, you already know the technique." The man was hesitant but as he had become one with the world he believed and places his palm on the door. The rich sound was vibrating the door to his touch and opened for him.
This continues on through a ruby door, a sapphire door and even more...emerald, silver, topaz, amethyst.
Until finally they reach a door made of diamond. It is suddenly quiet as they stand before the door. The man places his palm on it and nothing happens. The monk tells him to believe and it will open.
As the man closes his eyes and breath deep, remembering the past 30 years something begins to happen. The sound returns, humming low at first. It is as if the sound is intertwined into the gleaming beams of light reflecting off the diamond door.
The sound now surround him, it floods out as the doors burst open. He open his eyes and is astonished. Here is the most astonishing, beautiful thing in all of the universe. Tears form in his eyes but are swept away in the radiance of the light and sound. He can't believe what he just saw.
I just can't tell you what it was because you're not a monk.
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