Jokes Collection

It had a sticker that said 'intel inside'.

The first one says
"I'd like a beer"
And the second says,
"I'd like rum"

They didn't wanna get H20. They were in flint.

68 because at 69 she needs to turn around.

A sunken chest with no booty.

Part of the alphabet has been destroyed in a terrorist attack. It's not yet known which letter had anything to do with the atrocity, but early reports suggest G had.

He goes up to the 1st car and knocks on the window. A brunette rolls down the window and says: "It's ok officer, we are just doing the Samba."
Cop goes to the 2nd car and knocks, a redhead rolls down the window and says: "It's ok officer, we are just doing the Mambo.
Cop goes on to the 3rd car and knocks, a blonde rolls down the window.
Cop asks her: "And I suppose you are doing the Bossa Nova?"
"No officer," she replies, "I'm just doing the boss a favor."

...which consists of a swamp that will let you sink deeper the more lies you spread during your time as a leader.

Kim Yong Il is buried till his waist.

Stalin is buried till his chest.

Hitler is standing upright above them all, barely sunken in till his ankles with a big grin on his face.

Stalin asks: "What are you laughing, fachist?!"

Kim says: "How come you didn't sink in much?"

Hitlers grin grew from ear to ear as he sneakily said: "I'm standing on goebbles"

Consider it done!

A mexican father and son were at the mall and the son finally convinced his dad to try Chinese food.
"But it's so dry!" said the father.
"No it's not, they put lots of stuff on their plates," replied the son.
"Like what?" the father asked.
"Soy Sauce" he answered.
The father stared for a minute and then said, "Hola Sauce... *soy Dad*"

It's a pity we don't probe it more.

St. Peter says, "Now Bill, you have done some good things, and you have done some bad things. Now I am going to let you decide where you want to go".

First, St. Peter shows Bill an image of Hell with beautiful women running on beaches. Then, St Peter shows Bill an image of Heaven with robed angels playing harps on clouds.

Bill chooses Hell.

About a week later, St. Peter checks in on Bill in Hell and finds him being whipped by demons.

Bill says to St. Peter, "What happened to all the beautiful women and the beaches?"

St. Peter replies, "That was just the screen saver."

She asks for a haircut. The barber accepts but suggest her to take of her headphones, to which the blonde replies she can't cause otherwise she'll die.

The barber is confused, but decides to start cutting her hair anyway. Halfway, the barber asks again if the blonde can remove her headphones to which she responds again: "I can't, cause otherwise I'll die".

A while later the barber says:" Ma'am, you'll have to remove your headphones otherwise I can't finish the haircut". The blonde understands and removes her headphones and shortly after that dies.

The barber is chocked and doesn't understand how the blonde died and decides to find out what the blonde was listening to through her headphones.

She puts the headphones on and hears a voice saying on repeat: "Breath in... and out".

I want to hang by myself for a bit.

Edit: Not suicidal. Just gallows humor.

Glockenspiel.

So he could BLOW it up.



Please don't hurt meh.

Because they work with parts for cars, not carts for pars.

A Bear and A Rabbit are walking through the woods, when they come across a magic lamp in a clearing. Upon further investigation, and only 1 attempt to eat it, they release the genie inside who graciously grants them each 3 wishes.

Bear, who lives in the moment quickly says:

"I wish that every other bear in the forest was a hot lady bear who wanted my sweaty bear balls!"

Rabbit and the Genie are clearly disgusted, but Genie being a slave, begrudgingly grants the wish. While this was happening Rabbit was considering his options, and when it was his turn to make a wish, he didn't wait either.

"I wish for a Harley Davidson, that I could ride, you know, one made for Rabbits!"

Genie smiles, and grants his wish. (Genies don't like you to ask for something easy, or gross, challenge them you know?)

Bear all this time, what little their was, is thinking about all that sweet bear action he is going to get, and he gets hornier and hornier, finally blurting out,

"I wish every other bear in the country, was a hot lady bear who wanted my sweaty bear balls."

Genie is even more disgusted, this time with himself, knowing in a single generation or two, bears will be nearly gone from this country, but being a servant he grants the wish, and bear sees a lady bear coming into the clearing and goes to her, and starts doing what comes naturally to a horny bear.

Rabbit, opposed to watching this, is checking out his sweet new ride, and notices he is missing something. He turns to the genie and says

"I wish for all the accessories, and leather vests, and helmets, and saddle bags. I need all of them to be rabbit sized, and I need holes in the helmet for my ears, and a sidecar, so I can take my friends on rides too."

Genie smiles and in a cloud of smoke rabbit and his Harley disappear in a flash, and a cloud of smoke. When they reappear Rabbit is decked out, and his bike has enough chrome to make SAMCRO jealous. Rabbit starts up the bike, and starts riding circles around the clearing.

Bear, who is on his "Lady Friend" nearing completion, screams out over the noise of the Harley and smoke

"I wish every other bear in the world was a hot lady bear, who wanted my sweaty bear balls."

Genie and Rabbit stare at each other, wondering who will speak first after standing witness to the destruction of a species. All bears in the world are essentially dead, and only they know it.

Rabbit laughs, and rides across the clearing, screaming as he goes...

"I WISH THAT BEAR WAS GAAAYYYYYYYYYYYyyyyyyyy........"

snowballs

Crossfit

Nobody would know