Jokes Collection

One busty milf had a dog whose name was mytits, and one day he ran away. So, the woman, worried, asked a policeman: 'have you seen mytits?' and the policeman said: 'no but i'd love to see them' jj

My friend gave it to me as he was dying. It seemed very important to him that I should have it.

The D is silent.



<i just thought of this! be gentle with me>

Came up with this a while back, and found it today. I cleaned it up a bit:

A biologist, a physicist, a mathematician, and an engineer can't take it anymore and decide to commit suicide.

The biologist reviews some data and determines the impact velocity required to kill a human. He then calculates the appropriate drop height using basic conservation of energy, and finds a suitable building. The biologist jumps off, but the wind resistance slows him down just enough that he survives with major crippling injuries.

The physicist, hearing of this, develops a more complex model. He models himself as a uniform cone and uses a second order drag model to account for wind resistance. He obtains a numerical solution for the appropriate drop height, which is a little bit higher than what the biologist had anticipated. He finds a suitable building, and jumps off. On the way down, a strong gust blows him into a tree, and then he bounces to the ground. He survives with major crippling injuries.

The mathematician hears of this and is determined to do it right. He models himself as a non-uniform complex 3D body, and sets up a full-on coupled analysis using the Navier-Stokes equations. To determine the required impact velocity, he uses nonlinear FEA software to model skeletal impact. He then reviews 50 years of local wind statistics and surveys the surrounding area to determine any possible gusts and their respective probabilities. He analyzes an array of scenarios using a supercomputer running the best CFD software, and determines a 99% confidence interval for the required drop height. He picks the highest number and applies an additional 10% margin of safety. Finally, the mathematician finds a suitable building and jumps off. Higher than average ambient temperatures cause a nearby snow pile to collapse and slide right into the impact zone. The snow cushions his fall just enough that he survives with major crippling injuries.

The engineer shot himself in the face.

Knock knock
Who's there?
Interrupting cow
Interrupting c-
MOOOOOOO

...it came out during a conversation

but autocorrect ruined the lunchtime

Your grip.

Why do you get paid Millions of dollars and do no real work.

"Have-at-choo!"

Answer: America

A beautiful blonde walks into a casino and over to a soda machine and arrives there just before a business man who's come to quench his thirst. She opens her purse and puts in 50 cents , studies the machine , presses the Diet Coke selection , and out comes a Diet coke , which she places on a counter by the machine. Then she reaches in her purse again and pulls out a dollar and inserts it in the machine.Studying the machine carefully, she presses the button for coca cola classic and out came a coke classic and 50 cents change.She takes the 50 cents and puts it in the machine , studies for a moment , and presses the sprite button.Out comes a sprite. As she is reaching into her purse again , the business man who has been waiting patiently for several minutes,speaks up"Excuse me miss , but are you done yet?" She looks at him and indignantly replies,"Well, Duh! I'm like , still winning!"

Makes sense since they're both dead.

By the end of it you'll be bruised, battered, and sore; but hey at least your dad came.

You end up screwing yourself.

Only one, but it takes them until the third try to get it reich.

and I would love to change the world , but they won't give me the source code.

So we can think about a solution in silence.

They call the tribe Mashantucket

Dont worry, they tell you.