Jokes Collection

As all the cars are passing her a cop see's this and pulls her over. He begins to ask, "Excuse me ma'm but do you know where your going?" The blonde, "No but it must be a horrible place because eveyone is leaving."

Polygamy is having too many wives, but monogamy is having one wife too many.

The police take the kid into his car and ask...

Police:Where is your house?

Kid:Next to my neighbor house

Police:Where is your neighbor house?

Kid:Next to my house fo shore

Nickersonanoff

The jury asks both the man and woman for a reason why they should be the one to keep the child. So the jury asks the woman first. She says, "Well I carried this child around in my stomach for nine months and I had to go through a painful birth process, this is my child and apart of me." The jury is impressed and then turns to ask the man the same question. The man replies, "OK, I take a coin and put it in the drink machine and a drink comes out, now tell me who does the drink belong to me or the machine"

A woman goes to a lounge in France, where she is approached by a tall, well-dressed, dashing man.

"I am Francois Francois, ze Great French Aviator," he says, "and I want to make love to you."

"Yes," the woman replies, "take me to your apartment."

At Francois' apartment, the two undress. Francois brings a brick of butter, a bottle of syrup, and a bottle of scotch to the bedside table. He unwraps the butter and begins to spread it on the woman's breasts.

"Francois Francois," she asks, "what are you doing?"

""I am Francois Francois, ze Great French Aviator," he says, "and when I make love to a woman, I lick butter from her breasts."

He does this. Clearly enjoying this, the woman allows him to continue.

After the butter has been polished off, Francois drizzles some chocolate syrup onto her bellybutton.

Again she asks, "Francois Francois, what are you doing?"

"I am Francois Francois, the Great French Aviator," he says, "and when I make love to a woman, I lick chocolate syrup from her bellybutton."

He does this. Writhing in pleasure, the woman allows him to continue.

Once the chocolate syrup is gone, Francois pours the scotch on her snatch, strikes a match, and sets the woman's crotch on fire.

"Francois Francois," she screams, "what are you doing!?"

"I am Francois Francois, ze Great French Aviator," he says, "and I when I go down, I go down in flames!"

A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her her students to ask their parents what the government is. When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was. His dad thought for a while and answered, "Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future." "I still don't get it" responded the Little Johnny. "Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better," said the dad. "Okay then...good night" said Little Jonny went off to bed. In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying. He went to his baby brother's crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent's room to get help. When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn't there. So he went to the maid's room. When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid. Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, "OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of shit!"

Whore moans.

At the beginning there's a lot of blowing and sucking, and when it's over your house is gone.

50 Cent ft. Nickelback

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

Hey man, can you spare 50 cents?

It seems there were three monks who enjoyed raising plants and were trying to keep a flower shop running, selling unique and exotic plant life.

One day, some children where playing behind the shop and were eaten whole by an extremely rare man-eating plant.

The parents, needless to say, were outraged, and demanded that the friars get rid of the dangerous plant. The friars refused.

So the parents and the people of the town tried several ways to get the friars to consent, but finally they had to ask Hugh, the town blacksmith, (undoubtably the strongest man around), to run the friars out of town.

The Moral is : "Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars!"

A man visits his doctor as for the past few weeks he has been feeling incredibly ill. After numerous tests and examinations his doctor finally breaks the news about his results.


"I'm afraid there is no easy way to say this... You have terminal colon cancer. It was left unchecked for so long, it appears you will only have a few more weeks to live. I'm so sorry."


The man remains quiet for a few moments before saying with a weak smile "Oh well, that's a bummer."


The doctor observes the man for a brief while. "Are you okay? You appear to be very calm despite this news, I thought it would come as quite a shock?"


"Don't worry." The man replies with a smile. "I'm dying on the inside."

It was then that I learned of the importance of commas.

A grandma is shopping with her grandson.The grandson picks up a toy and the grandma shouts: "Degree put the toy back"!

A woman who was shopping heard this and asked, is that his name?

The grandma replied
"Yes I sent his mother to university and this is what she brought back"

The Hydraulic Press

Three doctors enter the bar.
All drink a lot.
First one is Pediatrician.
Next Podiatrist
And the Psychiatrist.

All get up together
and go to pee

There are three urinals
all by side.

Pediatrician pees with start and stop
Podiatrist does a steady piss.
But they just can not hear Psychiatrist pee!

Because, P in Psychiatrist is silent.

I'm not sure, but if I had to guess, The Son'll Come Out Tomorrow.

sitting on a tree. A lizard spots and asks what he's upto. The monkey says he's smoking the **best weed in the world**. The lizard climbs up excitedly and shares the joint with the monkey. After a while the lizard starts feeling thirsty, so the monkey pointed him to the river. The lizard climbs down the tree and goes to the river to get a drink.

Because lizard was high he trips and falls in the river. An alligator spots him and helps him to the shore, and asks what is wrong with him. The lizard, right before passing out, tells the alligator about the monkey and the **best weed in the world**. The alligator decides to check this stuff out and goes where the monkey was. He spots the monkey and shouts, "HEY! MONKEY!"

The monkey's eyes go wide as he spots the alligator, and then he says...."WHAAAAT THE FUCCCKKKK BROOOO! HOW MUCH WATER DID YOU DRINK??!!"