Jokes Collection

...when he came across an old genie lamp. Naturally, he rubbed it, and out came Javier, a beginner Genie. Javier says, "Hello my amigo! For rubbing my lamp, you get two....I mean three wishes! What is your first wish?" "Hmm" the man thought. "I wish I was in a relationship with a girl who is a 10 on the hot scale and a 4 on the crazy scale!" *poof* a goddess-like girl appeared, jumping on top of him, wanting him to do whatever he wanted to her. "What do you want next?" Asked the genie. "I wish this girl will always love me, no matter what, and that she'll let me do what I want, when I want!"! "Done" says the genie. "And for your final wish?" The man thought long and hard, while his new girlfriend was kissing his neck and face. "I've got it! I wish for three more wishes!" The genie responds with "well shucks my friend! That ain't allowed! Anything else?" The man says "then I wish to live forever With this girl!" All of the sudden *poof* they both turn into volcanoes. The man, now a volcano, yells "what the fuck have you done! We're volcanos!" "Well", says the genie "volcanos live forever, and isn't that what you asked for? To live forever with her". The man, very frustrated, realized there is nothing he can do, and dealt with it. 65 years go, and the man is getting frustrated with his girlfriend, and did not love her anymore. She was obsessed with him, and wouldn't stop telling him how she loves him and wants to have passionate fiery volcano sex with him. He was just tired of it, and decided he would kill himself by erupting. He finally did it, escaping this girl, and while he was erupting, having a slow and painful death, his girlfriend yelled out to him "Wait! I lava you!"

Cold.

but we try not to say it in front of the children

One good thing about having Hilary as president is that we wouldn't have to pay her as much.

who found a dead whore in a cave. She was ugly as shit, and missing one tit, but think of the money he'd save.

...when they come to a barn. All three run in and look for somewhere to hide. The brunette sees some potato sacks and tells the other girls they should all hide in them.

The sheriff and his deputies arrive and start looking for them. As they're about to leave, the sheriff spots one of the sacks moving. He walks up to it and kicks the one with the brunette in it.
When he does, he hears a loud "meooooww!"

Oh, it's just a cat. He decides to kick the next one with the redhead in it and hears, "arrrrrf!"

Oh, it's just a dog. When he sees the one with the blond in it, he kicks it as well, and hears "potato!"

But the truth is it makes a lot of cents.

The Captain's Log.

Solid, Liquid, Gas, and Black Lives

Ask them to say the word 'unionized'.

when her daughter walks in. "Mother, where do babies come from?" The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, "Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex." The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, "That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey." The child seems to comprehend. "Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?" "Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry."

From a well, actually.

My Zipper

Tell them Mexico is paying for it

I've finally realized it's for suckers.

What do you call a promiscious asian lady?

A yellow taxi.

John

It's called plagiarism.

The last thing that went through my mind was my anus

Knight takes Rook, King takes Queen, and Bishop molests the Pawns.