Jokes Collection
Enjoy our collection of over 100,000 jokes. Find humor for every occasion and share laughs with friends and family.
Featured Joke
An airline pilot was scheduled to take a
flight from New York to Los
Angeles. The weather was too bad in New York
to allow his usual on time
departure. The weather in New York
finally cleared and the pilot asked
for
his departure clearance. He
was very dismayed to hear that he had
another delay due to the
increased traffic now leaving New York.
Sometime later he finally
received his clearance and decided he would
try to make up the time
lost by asking for a direct route to Los
Angeles. Halfway across the
country he was told to turn due South. Knowing
that this turn would
now throw him further behind schedule he inquired,
quite
agitated, to the controller for the reason of the turn off course. The
controller replied that the turn was for noise abatement.
The pilot
was infuriated and said to the controller, "Look buddy, I am
already way behind schedule with all the delays you guys have given me
today. I really don't see how I could be causing a noise problem
for
pedestrians when I am over 6 miles above the earth!"
The
controller answered in a calm voice, "Apparently, Captain, you
have
never heard two 747's collide!"
flight from New York to Los
Angeles. The weather was too bad in New York
to allow his usual on time
departure. The weather in New York
finally cleared and the pilot asked
for
his departure clearance. He
was very dismayed to hear that he had
another delay due to the
increased traffic now leaving New York.
Sometime later he finally
received his clearance and decided he would
try to make up the time
lost by asking for a direct route to Los
Angeles. Halfway across the
country he was told to turn due South. Knowing
that this turn would
now throw him further behind schedule he inquired,
quite
agitated, to the controller for the reason of the turn off course. The
controller replied that the turn was for noise abatement.
The pilot
was infuriated and said to the controller, "Look buddy, I am
already way behind schedule with all the delays you guys have given me
today. I really don't see how I could be causing a noise problem
for
pedestrians when I am over 6 miles above the earth!"
The
controller answered in a calm voice, "Apparently, Captain, you
have
never heard two 747's collide!"
Latest Jokes
A man asks a farmer near a field, "Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train."
The farmer says, "Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you'll even catch the 4:11 one."
The farmer says, "Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you'll even catch the 4:11 one."
Dear Abby,
My husband hasn't worked for the last 14 years. All he does is get dressed in the morning and hop in his fancy car to visit his cronies. I know he's cheated on me many times with young girls who could be his granddaughters. I know this because he brags about this to me. He smokes fancy cigars and drinks the most expensive Champagne day and night. We sleep in separate beds because he's telling me he knows I'm a lesbian and my varicose veins and fat behind turns him off. Should I clobber him with my frying pan or should I just leave him? Your advice would be appreciated....
Sincerely,
Mad as Hell
Dear Mad as Hell,
You don't have to take that kind of treatment from any man. I suggest you pack your bags and move out A.S.A.P.! Don't resort to clobbering him with the frying pan, try to act more like a lady. Remember....... you're running for President of the United States, so try acting like one.
Best of luck to you,
Abby
My husband hasn't worked for the last 14 years. All he does is get dressed in the morning and hop in his fancy car to visit his cronies. I know he's cheated on me many times with young girls who could be his granddaughters. I know this because he brags about this to me. He smokes fancy cigars and drinks the most expensive Champagne day and night. We sleep in separate beds because he's telling me he knows I'm a lesbian and my varicose veins and fat behind turns him off. Should I clobber him with my frying pan or should I just leave him? Your advice would be appreciated....
Sincerely,
Mad as Hell
Dear Mad as Hell,
You don't have to take that kind of treatment from any man. I suggest you pack your bags and move out A.S.A.P.! Don't resort to clobbering him with the frying pan, try to act more like a lady. Remember....... you're running for President of the United States, so try acting like one.
Best of luck to you,
Abby
When asked for his name by the coffee shop clerk, my brother-in-law answered, "Marc, with a C." Minutes later, he was handed his coffee with his name written on the side: Cark.
An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Jerry had carved I love you, Sally.
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars!
Jerry said, We've got to give it back.
Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?
Sally said, "No."
Jerry said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."
Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."
The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him.
One said, "Tell us the story from the beginning."
Jerry said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday..."
The first police officer turned to his partner and said, "We're outta here!"
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars!
Jerry said, We've got to give it back.
Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?
Sally said, "No."
Jerry said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."
Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."
The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him.
One said, "Tell us the story from the beginning."
Jerry said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday..."
The first police officer turned to his partner and said, "We're outta here!"
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