Jokes Collection

I'm gonna call it 'Second Hand'.

Allahu Akbar.

I hear he's making a killing.

On one hand, I support it because it kills children,

on the other, I don't because it gives woman a choice.

In 200 years the milk will have developed a culture

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, „I would like to buy some cyanide." The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen.Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!" The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

The Daily Express.

A construction site foreman gave out the daily assignments and made his first round of the site. He was surprised to see Daniel Wiggle, a veteran worker with a CDL (commercial drivers license) with the menial task of holding a stop sign at the entrance. The worker suggested that there may have been some confusion, as a new hire with the exact same name had just been hired. The foreman, realizing his mistake, exclaimed, "I gave the wrong Dan Wiggle the forklift!"

Well, if you can't helium and you can't curium, all you can do is barium!

Two guys on trial for drug dealing.

Judge sentences them to 10 years but gives them a chance to half it to 5 years plus release after 3 years for good behaviour if they spend a month stopping people taking drugs.

Ist guy claims he stopped 15 people Judge say very good - average is 12. How do did you do that?

Guy points to a big coin and a little coin and said "i told people drugs fucks your brain, and big coin is size before you take drugs and little coin is size after"

Judge says very good - sentence halved.

Second guy claims 250 people and Judge goes ballistic and is about to increase sentence to 20 years for contempt of court for lying. Defence lawyer swears his client is telling the truth.

Judge asks disbelievingly how he did it and second guy gets out big coin and little coin and says " well I told people if you get caught dealing drugs you will go to jail" and points to little coin and says "so I told those people that this is the size of your ass before you go to jail and ......"

An info-maniac.

Police are saying it was Race related.

After ringing his item up the cashier asked, "Would you like a bag?"

The man responded, "No, she's not that ugly."

"Hey lad, how far do you think i can kick this bucket?"

...Do you know what's the difference between a jew and a boy scaut?

A boy scout comes back from a camp.

Demanding access to Mexico.

....because he couldn't get his first choice, the captain of the Titanic.

Pupil: Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn't do?
Teacher: Of course not
Pupil: Good, because I didn't do my homework

Around the neck

with a rope

She thinks to herself "Ugh, damn good for nothings ruining the day for other people by sleeping in the middle of a street all dirty and ugly!" But then she takes a closer look and notices that the drunkard while indeed dirty and unkempt is in fact quite handsome. She approaches him, reaches down into his trousers and finds that he is extremely well endowed too.

She thinks: "I'll pop over to the store, buy bread real quick and then pick him up on my way home!" But when she returns from the store the sleeping drunkard is gone. Exasperated she says to herself:

"Foolish girl! It's not like you hadn't had *bread* in five years!"