Jokes Collection
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Latest Jokes
A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"
The bartender, confused, tells the duck no. The duck thanks him and leaves.
The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Got any grapes?"
Again, the bartender tells him, "No -- the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes and, furthermore, will never serve grapes." The duck thanks him and leaves.
The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender yells, "Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!"
The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, "Got any nails?"
Confused, the bartender says no.
"Good!" says the duck. "Got any grapes?"
The bartender, confused, tells the duck no. The duck thanks him and leaves.
The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Got any grapes?"
Again, the bartender tells him, "No -- the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes and, furthermore, will never serve grapes." The duck thanks him and leaves.
The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender yells, "Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!"
The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, "Got any nails?"
Confused, the bartender says no.
"Good!" says the duck. "Got any grapes?"
A woman with no arms and no legs is sitting by herself, crying, on a park bench facing a lake just before sunset. A handsome young man wandered by and noticed the woman crying. He walks up to her and places a comforting hand on her shoulder, saying "What's wrong, ma'am?"
"Oh...", the young woman replied, startled by the young man's devilishly good looks, "I'm sorry, it's just... It's such a beautiful day out, today. I was just thinking about how I don't have anyone special in my like to share it with."
"Well, I'm in no rush", replied the young man. "If you don't mind, I could sit with you a while and keep you company."
The woman agreed and they sat there for a while talking.
A few moments go by and the woman begins cry again.
"What's wrong? I thought we were having a nice time?", said the young man.
"It's just...", the woman choked between sobs, "I don't know if you know this, but you are very attractive. It made me realize how unattractive I am. I've never even been kissed."
The young man took a moment to take in the young woman appearance. She was, in fact, very attractive herself, despite missing all of her appendages. He gently brushed her hair off to one side and they shared a vibrantly passionate kiss.
She blushed heavily, thanked him, and their friendly conversation turned philosophical and deep.
As the sun began to crest over the lake and the atmosphere surrendered to romance, the woman began to cry again.
"What could it be this time?", asked the young man. "We have had such a nice evening so far."
"It's just...", the woman moaned, "I've never had this much of a connection with anyone and its bound to end soon now that nightfall is coming. It makes me realize that I've never been fucked. I can't even do it myself."
The young man puller her head close to his chest to ease her troubled mind. Then, he slid his hand to the small of her back and the other behind her shoulder blades. He smiled and lifted her up like a groom would a bride.
He leaned in close to her, nestled in his strong embrace, and whispers, "Your fucked now..." and throws her into the lake.
"Oh...", the young woman replied, startled by the young man's devilishly good looks, "I'm sorry, it's just... It's such a beautiful day out, today. I was just thinking about how I don't have anyone special in my like to share it with."
"Well, I'm in no rush", replied the young man. "If you don't mind, I could sit with you a while and keep you company."
The woman agreed and they sat there for a while talking.
A few moments go by and the woman begins cry again.
"What's wrong? I thought we were having a nice time?", said the young man.
"It's just...", the woman choked between sobs, "I don't know if you know this, but you are very attractive. It made me realize how unattractive I am. I've never even been kissed."
The young man took a moment to take in the young woman appearance. She was, in fact, very attractive herself, despite missing all of her appendages. He gently brushed her hair off to one side and they shared a vibrantly passionate kiss.
She blushed heavily, thanked him, and their friendly conversation turned philosophical and deep.
As the sun began to crest over the lake and the atmosphere surrendered to romance, the woman began to cry again.
"What could it be this time?", asked the young man. "We have had such a nice evening so far."
"It's just...", the woman moaned, "I've never had this much of a connection with anyone and its bound to end soon now that nightfall is coming. It makes me realize that I've never been fucked. I can't even do it myself."
The young man puller her head close to his chest to ease her troubled mind. Then, he slid his hand to the small of her back and the other behind her shoulder blades. He smiled and lifted her up like a groom would a bride.
He leaned in close to her, nestled in his strong embrace, and whispers, "Your fucked now..." and throws her into the lake.
After Thanksgiving dinner, the adults gathered in the living room to exchange reminiscences, while the children went into the family room to play. Suddenly our hostess noticed that an elderly relative was missing. "Where's Aunt Florence?" she asked.
From across the room came a masculine drawl, "Oh, she's with the kids, bridging the generation gap."
From across the room came a masculine drawl, "Oh, she's with the kids, bridging the generation gap."
Two leprechauns win the lottery and decide to go on holiday to London and party their winnings away. They check in to the most expensive suite in the most expensive hotel in town. This suite is that posh that it has 2 double bedrooms joined by a connecting door. After relaxing a while they head down to the bar where Paddy orders the most expensive bottle of finest Scots Whisky, Mick goes for the a vintage bottle of Champagne which they polish off before dinner. In the dinning room Mick orders whatever is most expensive on the menu, Paddy orders everything on the menu. 2 hours later they are drunk, stuffed and well satisfied.
"Ay, Paddy this is life. I can't remember a day so good in all my 340 years", said Mick.
"True enough Mick. It's been a fair day, so it has. What'll we do now....hit a club or the West end?"
"Well, Flower, I'm feeling a bit randy so I am, and with all this money we could hire the best lookin' girls in London town for a night of pleasure we'll remember til we die".
Within an hour 2 of the most expensive high class and expertly trained hookers in London arrive at the reception desk, and are quickly led up to Paddy and Mick's Suit. The Lad's are stunned as the girls are more beautiful than they could have ever imagined. Taking the Russian blonde Paddy casts a wink to his mate Mick, knocks back the last of his 3rd bottle of Whisky and heads for the bed room. The dark eyed Spanish beauty stands up and leads Mick over to the bed and begins to undress...Mick just can't believe his luck.
Half an hour later, despite the best efforts of Isabella, poor Mick has to throw in the towel. "Too much drink love", he says sadly, and rolls over to go to sleep. As he drifts off the last thing he hears is Paddy in the next room shouting: "One, two, three HUUGGHHH; one, two, three HUUGHHH; one, two, three HUUGGHHHH!!!!" Blooody hell, thinks Mick....Paddy having a wild time in there!.
The next morning the girls are gone and Paddy and Mick are sitting over a sumptuous breakfast:
"How'd you get on Mick...was that Isabella up to much. Did she earn her money?", Paddy Laughs. Mick thought about lying, but what'd be the point? After all Paddy was his best mate.
"Bit of a disaster, so it was, Paddy. The drink got to me and the wee man couldn't get up. She did everything but I just couldn't manage to get him working. It's a shame is what it is."....
At this Paddy bust out laughing: "Couldn't get it up, you say, hey Mick? I couldn't even get on the fucking bed!!"
"Ay, Paddy this is life. I can't remember a day so good in all my 340 years", said Mick.
"True enough Mick. It's been a fair day, so it has. What'll we do now....hit a club or the West end?"
"Well, Flower, I'm feeling a bit randy so I am, and with all this money we could hire the best lookin' girls in London town for a night of pleasure we'll remember til we die".
Within an hour 2 of the most expensive high class and expertly trained hookers in London arrive at the reception desk, and are quickly led up to Paddy and Mick's Suit. The Lad's are stunned as the girls are more beautiful than they could have ever imagined. Taking the Russian blonde Paddy casts a wink to his mate Mick, knocks back the last of his 3rd bottle of Whisky and heads for the bed room. The dark eyed Spanish beauty stands up and leads Mick over to the bed and begins to undress...Mick just can't believe his luck.
Half an hour later, despite the best efforts of Isabella, poor Mick has to throw in the towel. "Too much drink love", he says sadly, and rolls over to go to sleep. As he drifts off the last thing he hears is Paddy in the next room shouting: "One, two, three HUUGGHHH; one, two, three HUUGHHH; one, two, three HUUGGHHHH!!!!" Blooody hell, thinks Mick....Paddy having a wild time in there!.
The next morning the girls are gone and Paddy and Mick are sitting over a sumptuous breakfast:
"How'd you get on Mick...was that Isabella up to much. Did she earn her money?", Paddy Laughs. Mick thought about lying, but what'd be the point? After all Paddy was his best mate.
"Bit of a disaster, so it was, Paddy. The drink got to me and the wee man couldn't get up. She did everything but I just couldn't manage to get him working. It's a shame is what it is."....
At this Paddy bust out laughing: "Couldn't get it up, you say, hey Mick? I couldn't even get on the fucking bed!!"
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