Jokes Collection

..and American beer turned into water. And it was bad.

Knight of Swords.

The bike he stole had its tires stolen by a group of Mexicans

whats the difference between me and a dead man, the dead man has what I want, to be in his state. Its funny because I'm the joke (fucking kill me)

I didn't see it coming

3 guys in their early twenties were waiting for a 4th person they were matched up with to play some golf. To their surprise, the 4th person shows up and it's Arnold Schwarzenegger.

He walks up smoking a cigar and the first thing he says to them is "So when was your last blowjob?"

One of the young guys responds proudly "Last night"

Arnold then said "How did it taste?"

Because he kneaded a poo

Because it's the only part of the govt that listens to the American people.

"Sir, we're mining too many useless minerals."

Hitler: "So mine less."

Grammar Nazi busts in.
"MINE FEWER."

(Hitler looks up) "Yes?"

He drives me to do great things.

What an arm!

[deleted]

A man gets pulled over for rolling through a stop sign. While the officer is doing the routine license check, he spots two penguins sitting in the back seat of the car.

The cop tells the driver, "I'll let you off this time, but you need to take those penguins straight to the zoo." The driver was happy to get off with just a warning, so he agrees.

The next day, the officer sees the same car in another part of town, with some penguins peeking out the back windows.

He pulls over the driver again. "Hey, I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo just yesterday!"

"Your sure did," says the driver, "and what a great idea that was. We had so much fun that today I'm taking them to the beach!"

... I guess you could call me a pope-less romantic

It was pure motherfucking gold.

Spots spots spots spots spots spots!
Spots spots spots spots spots!
Spots spots spots spots spots!

How do you know ants are the sexiest creature alive?
You can always find them in your pants.

... getting drunk and talking about the great successes in their careers. The first takes a shot and says, 'I had a a patient, a concert pianist. He severed all ten of his fingers in a freak cooking accident with a very sharp knife. I meticulously reattached them, and within a year, he played a concert for the Queen of England.' The second surgeon hears this, knocks back a shot, and says, 'You think that's something, listen to this. I had a patient that lost both his legs and his left arm in a freak combine accident. I reattached all three limbs and a year later, he won a triathlon gold medal at the olympics.' The third surgeon sits back and laughs. He buys a round of shots, and says, 'That's nothing. Get this. I had a patient, the man was an equestrian. Well, one day, he was out riding and he lost track of where he was, and he and his horse were hit by a freight train. After the accident, all I had to work with was his toupee and a horse's ass, and today... That man is winning the US Republican presidential primary.'

I drew my own conclusions.

Is that about white people?

Zach Galifianakis