Jokes Collection

It wasn't very impressive.

And disses lexy...

He has dyslexia

They asked: *"how flexible are you?"*


 


I said *"I can't make Wednesdays or Thursdays"*.

There was a little boy playing in the living room with his electric train set that he got for Christmas while his mother was in the kitchen doing all the dishes. The mother heard the train stop and heard her son say "All you sons of a bitches that want to disembark get off the damn train, any of you bastards wanting to board, get on this damn thing cause we are fixing to take off".
The mother immediately dropped what she was doing and ran in the living room, yanked her son up and said we don't use that kind of language in this house. "Now go to your room and you can come out in two hours."
The little boy went to his room and returned in two hours. He started playing with his train set again.. The mother heard the train stop and the little boy said, "I would like to thank those of you for traveling with us today and don't forget your personal items as you leave the train. Those of you boarding the train, please store your carry ons in the overhead bins or store them under your seat. We will be leaving shortly". The mother was just as proud as she could be. Then the little boy says: "And those of you that are pissed off about the two hour delay, see the bitch in the kitchen"

A GoProbe.

Because it never wants to make things "black"

A Klondyke bar.

The pilot announces over the loudspeaker that the only way to keep the plane in the air is to eject as much weight as possible. The French Ambassador steps up to the door, shouts "Vive la France!" and jumps out. The English Ambassador runs to the door, shouts "God save the queen!" and jumps out. The pilot says they're still too heavy. So the American Ambassador stands up, shouts "Remember the Alamo!" and throws out the Mexican Ambassador.

And says " you.... Gay ... Oh!"

Every day at the office, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady
standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air
and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a
supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to file a sexual harassment
grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks, "What's
sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"
The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget."

I was once dating this girl and was set to meet her parents for dinner one evening. The day of I noticed a new Mexican restaurant had opened, being a bean enthusiast I decided to stroll in for a bowl of beans.


Well I stayed for 5 bowls of beans and made my way to my date. I got there, met the parents and things were going smoothly, but my God did I have to fart! As we were eating I had enough and decided to let just a little out.

My dates father then yells "Spot! Out from under the table" to the dog resting beneath the table. The dog didn't move and the dad didn't seem to care. So I decided to let some a little more out. And the same thing happened

"Spot, get out from underneath the table!" Yells the man of the house again. I tested the waters a few more times, and then I decided to really let loose.

The dad then slams his fist on the table and exclaims "Spot goddammit get out from under the table before this guy shits all over ya!"

The police have nothing to go on.

One of them squints into the murky lounge and says "I hate these places with low lighting". The other replies "Yeah I know! I'll buy someone a drink and they are really great, and then we go outside and half the time it's a guy!"

cuz he was destined to blaze the jews.

Because he was outstanding in his field.

Well let me tell you.

I was riding my horse through the desert when I saw him: Pancho Villa. From a mile away I knew him. He wore a pair of leather chaparejos on his legs. On his head he wore a sombrero big enough to stretch from Oaxaca to Aguascalientes and back. But what caught my eye most of all is what he had in his hands: the big guns, both of them pointing right at me.

Pancho Villa called out to me. "Se?or!" he called out. "Come down from your horse!"

I looked him in the eye and replied, "I come down from my horse for no man."

But what could I do? What could I say? When he had the big guns. So I came down from my horse.

Then Pancho Villa said to me: "Now, se?or, drop the pantalones."

I said to him, "I drop the pantalones for no man."

But what could I do? What could I say? He had the big guns. So I dropped the pantalones.

Then Pancho Villa say to me, "Now, se?or, you make a poop."

I say, "I make a poop for no man." But what could I do? What could I say? He had the big guns. So I made a poop like Pancho Villa said.

Then Pancho Villa said to me, "Now, se?or, you will eat your poop." I answered, "I eat my poop for no man." But what could I do? What could I say? He had the big guns. So I began to eat my poop.

Then Pancho Villa let out a very big laugh. He let out a laugh so big and so loud that he frightened his horse. The horse reared up on two legs and Pancho Villa dropped the big guns. I ran to grab them, and suddenly I was the one who had the big guns.

For a long moment, Pancho Villa and I stared at one another, saying not a word.

Then I called out to Pancho Villa. "Pancho Villa!" I called out. "You come down from your horse!"

Pancho Villa gave me a stare that was colder than the snows of Orizaba. In a voice that was slow but determined, he snarled, "I come down from my horse for no man."

But what could he do? What could he say? I had the big guns. So Pancho Villa came down from his horse.

Then I said to him, "Pancho Villa, drop the pantalones."

He gave me a menacing look and said, "I drop the pantalones for no man." But what could he do? What could he say? when I had the big guns. So he dropped his pantalones.

Then I said to Pancho Villa, "Pancho Villa, now make a poop." He said, "I make a poop for no man." But what could he do? What could he say? I had the big guns. So Pancho Villa squatted down to make a poop.

"Now, Pancho Villa," I said to him, "You eat your poop." He replied, "I eat my poop for no man." But what could he do? What could he say? I had the big guns. So Pancho Villa ate his poop.

So, my friend. You ask me, have I met Pancho Villa? Yes, one time we had lunch together.

It's a giraffe, walking in the savannah. All of a sudden, an helicopter comes by and..... flip flap the giraffe!

Because it's normal to undergo a midlife crisis.

The first man in space!

she is visually impaired and this is a new studio for her so she was not exactly familiar with her surroundings