Jokes Collection

A ginger-inbred!

My wife was complaining that i shop too much online and that i had to send some shit back where it came from.

So i have sent her back to Thailand.

She got in the car and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to ride up her leg exposing a fair amount of skin.

The priest nearly had an accident when he saw those shapely legs.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. Then nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

The priest quickly removed his hand. But the sight got the better of him. He changed gears and once again let his hand stray to her exposed leg. Once again the nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

The priest again removed his hand and apologized saying "Sorry Sister, but the flesh is weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

When the priest arrived back at his church, he rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

MORAL OF THE STORY:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

An attack dog in a preschool.

Mic Jagger says "Hey you, get off of my cloud". A Scotsman says "Hey, McLeod! Get off of my ewe!"

A man runs into a bar, and demands to the barkeep: "Quick! How tall do penguins grow?"

"About two foot sir" replies the bartender

"Shit. I've just run over a nun."

If you were forced to have it as a kid, you probably won't like it as an adult

A man owes money to the mob and can't pay it. His three chances come and go, and finally a group of thugs come to his apartment one night, drag him down to the subway, and throw him in front of a moving train. He manages to drag himself out of the way in time to survive, but he loses both of his legs.

He spends a year in hospitals and physical therapy, learning to live with his disability. From the very first day he plans his revenge. He trains, working his upper body until he's stronger than the average man. He buys a gun and learns to shoot, from a sitting position of course, until he's a crack shot.

Finally when he's prepared he goes to the mobster's house, waiting in the shadows outside to kill him. But it fails. A bodyguard sees him and stops him, taking his gun and throwing him out of his wheelchair. He tries to crawl away pathetically, crying with rage; they seize him and drag him to the boss, pressing a gun against his temple. The boss frowns down at him.

"Let him go," the boss says. "He's already defeeted."

I don't have the words to describe what a bad person you are.

... So he goes to the golf course to blow off some steam and meets a fellow golfer. After a couple rounds he starts to vent to him about his situation.

When the man finishes his story, the new found friend reveals that he is a hit man and charges $1000 bucks per kill. The man contemplates this and decides to play a couple more holes before making his decision.

As they approach the 18th hole (close to where the husband and wife live), the man sees his wifes lover's car in the driveway and he instantly decides to have them killed. He tells the hit man he will write him a check for $2000 on the spot, but he has to shoot his wife in head and the man in the dick.

The hit man goes and grabs his rifle and aims it through the bedroom window, after a few seconds he turns to the husband and says "Todays your lucky day... I'm only going to charge you $1000"

The husband replies, "Oh man, thanks but I make plenty of money, I'll gladly pay you the full $2000"

The hit man replies, "Don't worry about it buddy, Looks like this is only going to take one shot"

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye... It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought.

Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks,

'What may we do for you! my son?'

He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business....'

'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door. This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE. YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS. SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER

Is the opposite of constitution, prostitution?

They fall down when you hit them multiple times with an axe.

You never know what you are going to get, but you can be sure that 99% of it will be crap.

Tequila Mockingbird!

... because they're a practiced, cunning linguist.

It doesn't matter, they're never coming back.

But I'm not gonna sweat it.

So a chicken and an egg are laying in bed. The chicken is smiling, smoking and cigarette, and looking mighty pleased. The egg is sitting there looking a bit disappointed and says, "Whelp, I guess that answers that question."

Now he's got 99 problems but the switch ain't one.