Jokes Collection

But I already took a poo

Alcohole.

"... I like yours." -SO this morning

During a funeral, the pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall and hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find out that the woman is actually alive.
She lives for 10 more years and then dies. There is another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.
As they are walking out, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"

They're not making it any longer.

to her home from an evening worship service and was startled to find an intruder in her house.

Catching the man in the act of burglarizing her home, she yelled:

"STOP! Acts 2:38!" ("Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.")

As the burglar stopped dead in his tracks, the woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

Shortly, several officers arrived and took the man into custody.

As he was placing the handcuffs on the burglar, one of the officers asked:

"Why did you just stand there? All the lady did was mention a scripture verse."

"Scripture?" replied the burglar. "She said she had an axe and two 38's!"

It obviously didn't work for 6 million jews

1990's Hilary v 2000 Hilary v 2004 Hilary v 2008 Hilary v now Hilary

A double cheese bourger.

Orders a beer and a mop.

I only have 15 more to go.

Because it's always jammin'

But they all ended with chapter 11

"40 is the new 30". Lovely woman. Banned from driving though.

Now he's credited as "The Artist Formerly Known as Dead."

..and runs into the kitchen where his dad is making breakfast. The boy asks his dad to guess how old he is, and his dad plays along.

"Umm, 30 years old?"

"No," laughs the boy, "I'm 9!"

"Awesome!" His dad says, "You're a young man now! Go in the living room and see if your uncle can guess how old you are while I finish breakfast."

So the boy goes in the living room where his uncle is sitting in a recliner drinking a beer.

"Uncle, uncle!" giggles the boy, "Guess how old I am!"

His uncle slowly gets up, walks over to the boy and shoves his hand down the back of the boy's pajamas. The boy's eyes go wide in surprise as his uncle squeezes his buttcheeks and fondles around. Then the uncle pulls his hand back out, brings it to his nose, and takes a long sniff.

He looks down at his shocked nephew and says "You're 9."

The boy asks "You can guess my age just from feeling around on and smelling my butt?"

"No," his uncle says, "I heard you tell your dad in the kitchen.."

A smokesalottapotamus

Edit: [Found one in the wild.. ](http://i.imgur.com/c2Vt1sd.jpg)

A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender how much for a cup of coffee. The bartender replies: "Two cents."

The guy thinks it's a joke and asks: "Ok, how much for a beer?"

Bartender replies: "Two cents."

The guy gets angry: "And the steak dinner? How much?"

Bartender replies again: "Two cents."

The guy has had enough of the joke and says: "Can I speak to the manager?"

Bartender replies: "No, he's upstairs with my wife."

Guy: "What is he doing with your wife?"

Bartender: "The same thing I'm doing to his business."

It will leave you in pieces.

Well she's in for a shock.