Jokes Collection
Enjoy our collection of over 100,000 jokes. Find humor for every occasion and share laughs with friends and family.
Latest Jokes
I thought it was mine, so I called my wife making sure ours wasn't missing. Luckily, he was still at home picking cotton.
There are two potatoes on a street corner. How can you tell which one is the prostitute? It's the one with the little sticker on it that says I-da-ho!
There's a small family living in a rural farm; a farmer, his wife, and their three sons. They don't have very much money, but they have a scrawny little dairy cow that gets them through the hard times.
One day the farmer goes out to milk the cow, but when he gets to the barn, he finds the cow facedown and dead. He knows right then that it's all over, and he grabs the shotgun off the wall and shoots himself in the head.
His wife hears the gunshot and runs out to see what's happened. She finds the cow and her husband dead and she gives up on life. She grabs the shotgun and shoots herself in the head as well.
The eldest son comes home from work and finds his parents dead. He goes to use the shotgun, but it's out of ammo. Instead, he runs to the ocean to drown himself. But before he can do that, a mermaid comes out of the water.
"Wait!" The mermaid shouts. "I know what happened to you and your family, and it's terrible! But I can make it all better! I have magic, but it's based on sex! If you can make love to me fifteen times in a row without stopping, I can bring back your mother, your father, and the cow. But if you fail, it will kill you."
He isn't sure he can do it, but he decides to try. He makes it five times before he gives out and he just can't do it. He can't go on anymore, and he dies.
The next oldest brother gets home and finds the corpses. He too tries to use the shotgun, finds its out of ammo, and runs to the ocean. The mermaid pops up and makes him the same deal-- but this time, it's 20 times, to save his brother too. He does his best, but he only makes it three times before he can't go on anymore. He, too dies from the magic.
The third brother gets home, and he finds his parents and the cow in the barn and his brothers by the ocean. The mermaid pops up and says, "wait, wait, wait! I know it's a long shot, but I can grant you your wish if you can just make love to me 25 times in a row without stopping!"
The third brother says, "I dunno if that's a good idea. I mean, look at what I did to the cow!"
One day the farmer goes out to milk the cow, but when he gets to the barn, he finds the cow facedown and dead. He knows right then that it's all over, and he grabs the shotgun off the wall and shoots himself in the head.
His wife hears the gunshot and runs out to see what's happened. She finds the cow and her husband dead and she gives up on life. She grabs the shotgun and shoots herself in the head as well.
The eldest son comes home from work and finds his parents dead. He goes to use the shotgun, but it's out of ammo. Instead, he runs to the ocean to drown himself. But before he can do that, a mermaid comes out of the water.
"Wait!" The mermaid shouts. "I know what happened to you and your family, and it's terrible! But I can make it all better! I have magic, but it's based on sex! If you can make love to me fifteen times in a row without stopping, I can bring back your mother, your father, and the cow. But if you fail, it will kill you."
He isn't sure he can do it, but he decides to try. He makes it five times before he gives out and he just can't do it. He can't go on anymore, and he dies.
The next oldest brother gets home and finds the corpses. He too tries to use the shotgun, finds its out of ammo, and runs to the ocean. The mermaid pops up and makes him the same deal-- but this time, it's 20 times, to save his brother too. He does his best, but he only makes it three times before he can't go on anymore. He, too dies from the magic.
The third brother gets home, and he finds his parents and the cow in the barn and his brothers by the ocean. The mermaid pops up and says, "wait, wait, wait! I know it's a long shot, but I can grant you your wish if you can just make love to me 25 times in a row without stopping!"
The third brother says, "I dunno if that's a good idea. I mean, look at what I did to the cow!"
If your ears are ringing and you have an itch does it mean that someone is talking about giving you crabs?
A: I have the perfect son.
B: Does he smoke?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he drink whiskey?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he ever come home late?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.
Girl: You would be a good dancer except for two things.
Boy: What are the two things?
Girl: Your feet.
Boy: What are the two things?
Girl: Your feet.
A husband and wife are having a friendly debate one night, centered on the topic of who has better friends. They each offer a wide variety of anecdotes and stories, but in the end, they decide to put it to the test.
"Here's what we'll do," the wife suggests. "I'll call your friends, and you call mine. We'll both pretend that the other person hasn't come home yet, and that we're worried. Whoever's friends give the best advice about where to find us clearly know us better, and therefore *are* better."
The husband agrees to the game, and they both head off into separate rooms. When they reconvene a half an hour later, the husband looks defeated.
"Okay, honey," he says, "I think it's pretty clear that you have better friends. Every one of them listed each of your favorite restaurants, salons, shops, and art galleries, and they had phone numbers for each of them. They knew your work hours by heart, your office extension, your boss's name, and even the route that you take home."
The wife shakes her head. "No, dear," she replies, "*you* have better friends."
"Why do you say that?" asks the husband.
"Well," the wife replies, "most of them said that you'd been at their place, and three of them said that you were still there."
"Here's what we'll do," the wife suggests. "I'll call your friends, and you call mine. We'll both pretend that the other person hasn't come home yet, and that we're worried. Whoever's friends give the best advice about where to find us clearly know us better, and therefore *are* better."
The husband agrees to the game, and they both head off into separate rooms. When they reconvene a half an hour later, the husband looks defeated.
"Okay, honey," he says, "I think it's pretty clear that you have better friends. Every one of them listed each of your favorite restaurants, salons, shops, and art galleries, and they had phone numbers for each of them. They knew your work hours by heart, your office extension, your boss's name, and even the route that you take home."
The wife shakes her head. "No, dear," she replies, "*you* have better friends."
"Why do you say that?" asks the husband.
"Well," the wife replies, "most of them said that you'd been at their place, and three of them said that you were still there."
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