Jokes Collection

The first asks for a pint of beer. The second, half a pint, the third an quarter and so on. The barman pours 2 pints of beer and says "know your limits".

EDIT: Changed a few words to stop people bitching in comments

He worked the problem out with a pencil.


On a sheet of paper.

So she comes in the shop and tells the tattoo guy her husband is a huge fan of Brigitte Bardot(The French model). She wants to tattoo something of Brigitte Bardot on her body. The tattoo guy suggest he will tattoo two big B's, her initials, on her butt cheeks.
She agrees and puts two big B's on her buttcheeks.
When her husband comes home, she takes him to the bedroom and whispers: "I've got a little suprise, close your eyes and open them when I tell so".
So she takes off all her clothes, gets on the bed and positions herself in doggy-style position, pointing her ass at him.
Then she says: "You can open your eyes, honey".
He opens them and says: "Who the fuck is BoB and why did you tattoo his name?"

Ouch

Every time they had sex the husband said he wanted the lights off.

The wife; however, was getting bored of the same routine every time, so that night when they were bumpkin' uglies, the wife turned on the light and was shocked when she saw her husband with a dildo in his hand.

The wife, very confused at this point, shouted at her husband asking him why he was using a dildo, to which he replied,

"I'll explain the dildo; you explain our three kids."

A man goes to the clinic for an examination. After a thorough check up, the doctor tells him, "I have some good news and some bad news." Curious, the man asks what the good news is, and the doctor replies, "the good news is: we're naming a new disease after you..."

I dunno what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day!

dah- dum -- crash!

A dia-beetle

Because they always end up arguing over how to split the check.

I'd killed a dozen people by the time they wrestled the gun off me.

Fruit Punch

A man enters a pun competition in his local newspaper. They will accept more than one entry if sent in separately, so the man writes out 10 puns and mails them off. A week later he opens the newspaper to see if any of his puns won. Unfortunately *no pun in ten did*.

a xbox.

Because 7 had a six-shooter

Exactly five hundred.1 to change the light bulb and to post to /r/pics that the light bulb has been changed.7 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently or to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.17 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.21 to flame the spell checkers.49 to write to the list administrator complaining about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this subreddit. 20 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames. 32 to post that this discussion is not about light bulbs and to please take it to the spelling and grammar subreddits. 69 to demand that cross posting to grammar, spelling and punctuation subreddits about changing light bulbs be stopped. 41 to defend the posting to this sub saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this subreddit. 106 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty. 12 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs. 8 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post corrected URLs. 2 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this list which makes light bulbs relevant to this list. 15 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and footers, and then add pointedly, "Me Too. "6 to post to the subreddit that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy. 9 to quote the "Me Too's " and happily add, "Me Three! "3 to suggest that posters visit the light bulb FAQ. 1 to propose new alt. changing lightbulb subreddit. 24 to say this is just what /r/findareddit was meant for, so take it there. And 57 to say that they agree with the alternate subreddit propositions.

Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting home-bound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a gasoline station was just a block away. She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said,
'If it starts, I'm turning Catholic!!'

"Paw"m Bay

"Breaking News!" Mr. Cage have been photographed going in a circle, naked, in his garden. We all think this is very odd ofcourse so Mr. Cage will speak out about it. "Mr. Cage?" Well you see... I was circle jerking.
Ba-dum-tss

Last week a passenger in a taxi heading for the Boston airport, leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was quiet in the cab.

Then, the shaking driver said, "Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me."

The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, " I didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly"

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault."

"Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for 25 years."