Jokes Collection

He asked, "Excuse me, can I bite your breasts for $1000 ?". She agreed, so they went to a secluded corner. She opens her blouse and the man puts his face in her breasts for 10 minutes. Eventually the lady asks, " Aren't you gonna bite them?". He replies, "No, it's too expensive!".

I think it's nice of her to give me permission like that.

The Amazing Race

They then proceed to be thrown into the street and shot because the bar is in Mosul.

I don't ejaculate on an apple.

After being shown around the yard the Irishman was asked if he has ever shoed a horse before, After a long pause...

He replies "I've haven't, but I once told a donkey to fuck off"

It's a bison burger.

I will never look at burgers the same way again.

Natural log

Doesn't it make sense that:

* Ball players be debased

* Politicians devoted

* Cowboys deranged

* Models Deposed

* Calvin-Klein models debriefed

* Organ donors delivered

and

* Dry-cleaners be depressed, decreased, and depleted.

One of them exclaims : "Hey don't you think it smells sperm in here ?"
- Yeah, sorry I burped.

It would be a real pain in the ass!

It's simply because when a penguin is found dead on the ice, the other members of it's social circle dig deep holes for the bird to be buried in; all while the other penguins gather around the grave and sing:


"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

I've heard this joke before but I don't remember the ending very well. Can somebody please help me out?

A guy goes to a doctor and says "Doc I got a problem, but I'm embarrassed and I don't know what to do?"

Doctor says "Jim, I've been your doctor for years, just tell me your problem, no judgement, no problem."

Jim says "Well I don't have a problem with sex. Sex is great, but I can't seem to ejaculate."

Doc says "What do you mean?"

JIm says "Well I get it up, and we pump away all normal, but then I get that feeling that I need to cum but I can't finish the job!"

Doctor thinks about this for a while and then brings out a gun. The doctor says "Don't panic. This gun's full of blanks. Take this home with you. Just do everything like normal, and when you start getting that feeling, just pull the trigger and see what happens."

Jim likes the idea, and takes the gun and runs home. Lo and behold his wife is already in bed, naked ready to go.

Jim jumps on top of her bangs her all ways to Friday, and then asks her to finish him with a blowjob.

As he feels like he's ready to cum, he takes out the gun and he shoots the blank.

At which point his wife bites off his penis, and a naked man jumps out of his closet and yells "I'm sorry! I didn't know she was married!"

...

and something else. I'd really like to find the original. Anybody know?

There are twenty of them!

The audience is going really well but Dopey keeps pulling on Doc's sleeve. Doc says, "Okay, okay I'll ask him!" He turns to the Pope and says,
"Your eminence, Dopey would like to know if there are any nuns who are dwarfs?"
Well the Pope thinks about it, and he consults with his arch bishop, and after a couple quick phone calls and whispered conversations, the Pope turns and says, "I'm sorry, but I'm afraid there are no nuns who are dwarfs anywhere in Rome."
At this Grumpy smacks Dopey upside the head and says, "See? I told you that you fucked a penguin!"
This joke is in honor of World Penguin Day and my girlfriend's dad who told me this joke and died later that week. I swear to God these were the last words he ever spoke to me. A fantastic, funny amazing human being.

But which one was the best?
The Koala's, as it was the most Koala-Tea.

Ba dum tss.

[deleted]

A control freak.

I got gas.