Jokes Collection
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Latest Jokes
A police man caugh a man (Oru) having
sex with a female dead body at the mortuary
.
Police: Hey young man! what are you doing there?....Whaaatt! Why are you making love with this woman dead body? Are you mad?
.
Oru: Am not mad sir, we both had an
agreement
.
Police: What agreement?
.
Oru : Two years ago i asked this woman to have sex with me and she said: "OVER MY DEAD BODY" so, thats why am having sex "Over Her Dead Body"
DESCRIBE ORU IN ONE WORD!
a. Stupid
b. Wise
c. Smart
d. Foo
sex with a female dead body at the mortuary
.
Police: Hey young man! what are you doing there?....Whaaatt! Why are you making love with this woman dead body? Are you mad?
.
Oru: Am not mad sir, we both had an
agreement
.
Police: What agreement?
.
Oru : Two years ago i asked this woman to have sex with me and she said: "OVER MY DEAD BODY" so, thats why am having sex "Over Her Dead Body"
DESCRIBE ORU IN ONE WORD!
a. Stupid
b. Wise
c. Smart
d. Foo
There was once a priest who went to see the world after taking his oath. After many years of wandering, he finally arrived in a small village in the middle of nowhere. The people there believed in the same religion as he did, but they had no church; they had to go to the nearest one which was in a small town 25 km's from there. The priest took the initiative, asked the Church for support, and with the help of the local men they built their own temple. From there on, he was celebrating the Sunday masses, joining together men and women in Holy Matrimony, and saying prayers at the funerals.
Many years passed by like that.
At the end of an ordinary mass, in early spring, on a chilly Sunday morning he was just guiding the people out of the church, was about to close the gates when an unknown man stepped into the churchyard.
With his dirty and torn clothes, he stood before the priest and said:
\- Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! - the priest was a good man, and even though he thought the request was a bit strange, he went back to the rectory, took out a lemon, cut it in half, took it back to the man and gave it to him, who looked back to the priest with gratitude. However, the priest was curious. He asked:
\- Son, why do you need this half of a lemon? - with a fright on his face, and before the priest could have said a thing, he rushed out of the churchyard gate and took off.
A week later, around the same time, when the priest was leaving the church, he found himself in front of the same man in the churchyard. The man said:
\- Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! - the priest was surprised by the appearance of the man and his strange request. Of course he was good, went back to the rectory, and brought the half lemon. Placed it in the stranger's hand and immediately he asked:
\- Here it is, my dear son, but please tell me why do you need this half a lemon? - the man was obviously frightened and immediately ran away but the priest was not sluggish either and ran after him. He wasn't in a very good condition, he has never run so much and so fast before so he was out of breath by the end of the village, almost fainted. He thought the strange man might appear again next week, and it would be nice if he could keep up with him, so he spent his week working on his cardio. It turned out to be a good idea, because as he thought, the stranger entered the churchyard on Sunday. The priest didn't even wait for the request, he was good, and brought the half lemon. He received these words from the man:
\- Thank you priest for being so good and giving me half a lemon.
\- Don't mention it son, -said the priest- but please tell me, what do you need it for?! - by the time he finished his sentence the man was already running, but the priest was close behind. They were running for a while and the priest was starting to feel exhausted when they arrived at a wide and swift river. The stranger without thinking threw himself into the river and swam across the river and disappeared on the other side. The priest didn't follow because he couldn't swim. He was annoyed when he got home. He spent the next week learning to swim at the swimming pool in the small town 25 km's away. He was anxiously waiting for the next Sunday; now he was sure that the weird fellow would visit again. On Sunday, as he was closing the church, the gate creaked, and entered the man:
\- Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! - the priest was good, went back, put on his swimming trunks, his running shoes, grabbed half of the lemon and took it to the stranger:
\- Here it is, my son, but please tell me already, why do you need it? - the guy was terrified, rushed out the gate with the priest following. Reached the river, swam across, the priest right behind him. He kept running on the other side of the river and the priest was still on his tail. They kept running until they got to a tall tree on the verge of a deep ravine. The man climbed the tree with the agility of a cat, the priest not knowing how to climb a tree, stood on the ground. He was cursing everything as he walked back home. The following week the villagers watched as the priest in the garden of the church climbs trees, jumping back and forth, and generally behaving very strangely. The priest didn't care, he was exercising obsessively, preparing himself for the meeting. On Sunday before the mass, he put on his trunks and running shoes under his cassock. In fact, he was good and put half a lemon in his pocket in advance. The mass finished much earlier than usually, and he emptied the church as soon as possible so he could warm up. In the same exact time the mass should have ended, the strange man entered the churchyard.
\- Priest, please be good... - the priest was already handing him half of a lemon, and asked:
\- Son, why do you need it for God's sake? - the man ran away terrified, the priest followed him. They ran to the river, swam across, ran to the tree, climbed up. The priest almost catched the stranger when he grabbed a vine and swung to the other side of the ravine. The priest was about to have a stroke, but then he saw another vine. Whoop, he grabbed it and swung across. There, however, he encountered an unexpected obstacle: it was a plane graveyard and the man closed himself in one of the wreckages. The priest was raging as he walked around the wreckage several times, but he found no entrance except for the sealed door on the side of the plane; he had to open it somehow. He was furious but he went home. He spent every day at the village's locksmith and learned every possible way of opening a lock. On Sunday he held the mass in his swimming trunks, running shoes, on his back in a waterproof backpack was a crowbar, a cutting torch, a wrench and a drill, then he stood in front of the church and waited for the man. He was there on time.
\- Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon!
\- There you go, son - handing him the lemon, because he was good, but in the same time he grabbed the stranger's arm, pulled him close, and with obsession in his eyes, asked:
\- But what do you need it for?! - panic came over the man as he made his escape from the priest's hands and ran away, but the priest was very close behind. Racing to the river they quickly got across, running up the tree almost breaking their necks, one after the other swung across the ravine, the man barely managed to close the door of the wreckege in the priest's face. Little did he know that the priest would not stop there, because he grabbed his backpack and started working on the lock with his tools. In less than an hour the heavy door creaked open. Inside, the stranger was shivering in horror, he was afraid of the priest's fierce and triumphant look. The priest slowly strode up to the man, crouched down, and very quietly, with a friendly smile on his face, gently asked:
\- Son. You have been asking for half a lemon for the last few weeks. I'm very happy to give it to you, even in the future, I am only asking in return that you tell me: why do you need it?
\- All right, priest ... - came the answer in a trembling tone - I will answer your question, but please, be good, and do not tell anyone.
The priest was good, and never told anyone.
Many years passed by like that.
At the end of an ordinary mass, in early spring, on a chilly Sunday morning he was just guiding the people out of the church, was about to close the gates when an unknown man stepped into the churchyard.
With his dirty and torn clothes, he stood before the priest and said:
\- Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! - the priest was a good man, and even though he thought the request was a bit strange, he went back to the rectory, took out a lemon, cut it in half, took it back to the man and gave it to him, who looked back to the priest with gratitude. However, the priest was curious. He asked:
\- Son, why do you need this half of a lemon? - with a fright on his face, and before the priest could have said a thing, he rushed out of the churchyard gate and took off.
A week later, around the same time, when the priest was leaving the church, he found himself in front of the same man in the churchyard. The man said:
\- Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! - the priest was surprised by the appearance of the man and his strange request. Of course he was good, went back to the rectory, and brought the half lemon. Placed it in the stranger's hand and immediately he asked:
\- Here it is, my dear son, but please tell me why do you need this half a lemon? - the man was obviously frightened and immediately ran away but the priest was not sluggish either and ran after him. He wasn't in a very good condition, he has never run so much and so fast before so he was out of breath by the end of the village, almost fainted. He thought the strange man might appear again next week, and it would be nice if he could keep up with him, so he spent his week working on his cardio. It turned out to be a good idea, because as he thought, the stranger entered the churchyard on Sunday. The priest didn't even wait for the request, he was good, and brought the half lemon. He received these words from the man:
\- Thank you priest for being so good and giving me half a lemon.
\- Don't mention it son, -said the priest- but please tell me, what do you need it for?! - by the time he finished his sentence the man was already running, but the priest was close behind. They were running for a while and the priest was starting to feel exhausted when they arrived at a wide and swift river. The stranger without thinking threw himself into the river and swam across the river and disappeared on the other side. The priest didn't follow because he couldn't swim. He was annoyed when he got home. He spent the next week learning to swim at the swimming pool in the small town 25 km's away. He was anxiously waiting for the next Sunday; now he was sure that the weird fellow would visit again. On Sunday, as he was closing the church, the gate creaked, and entered the man:
\- Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! - the priest was good, went back, put on his swimming trunks, his running shoes, grabbed half of the lemon and took it to the stranger:
\- Here it is, my son, but please tell me already, why do you need it? - the guy was terrified, rushed out the gate with the priest following. Reached the river, swam across, the priest right behind him. He kept running on the other side of the river and the priest was still on his tail. They kept running until they got to a tall tree on the verge of a deep ravine. The man climbed the tree with the agility of a cat, the priest not knowing how to climb a tree, stood on the ground. He was cursing everything as he walked back home. The following week the villagers watched as the priest in the garden of the church climbs trees, jumping back and forth, and generally behaving very strangely. The priest didn't care, he was exercising obsessively, preparing himself for the meeting. On Sunday before the mass, he put on his trunks and running shoes under his cassock. In fact, he was good and put half a lemon in his pocket in advance. The mass finished much earlier than usually, and he emptied the church as soon as possible so he could warm up. In the same exact time the mass should have ended, the strange man entered the churchyard.
\- Priest, please be good... - the priest was already handing him half of a lemon, and asked:
\- Son, why do you need it for God's sake? - the man ran away terrified, the priest followed him. They ran to the river, swam across, ran to the tree, climbed up. The priest almost catched the stranger when he grabbed a vine and swung to the other side of the ravine. The priest was about to have a stroke, but then he saw another vine. Whoop, he grabbed it and swung across. There, however, he encountered an unexpected obstacle: it was a plane graveyard and the man closed himself in one of the wreckages. The priest was raging as he walked around the wreckage several times, but he found no entrance except for the sealed door on the side of the plane; he had to open it somehow. He was furious but he went home. He spent every day at the village's locksmith and learned every possible way of opening a lock. On Sunday he held the mass in his swimming trunks, running shoes, on his back in a waterproof backpack was a crowbar, a cutting torch, a wrench and a drill, then he stood in front of the church and waited for the man. He was there on time.
\- Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon!
\- There you go, son - handing him the lemon, because he was good, but in the same time he grabbed the stranger's arm, pulled him close, and with obsession in his eyes, asked:
\- But what do you need it for?! - panic came over the man as he made his escape from the priest's hands and ran away, but the priest was very close behind. Racing to the river they quickly got across, running up the tree almost breaking their necks, one after the other swung across the ravine, the man barely managed to close the door of the wreckege in the priest's face. Little did he know that the priest would not stop there, because he grabbed his backpack and started working on the lock with his tools. In less than an hour the heavy door creaked open. Inside, the stranger was shivering in horror, he was afraid of the priest's fierce and triumphant look. The priest slowly strode up to the man, crouched down, and very quietly, with a friendly smile on his face, gently asked:
\- Son. You have been asking for half a lemon for the last few weeks. I'm very happy to give it to you, even in the future, I am only asking in return that you tell me: why do you need it?
\- All right, priest ... - came the answer in a trembling tone - I will answer your question, but please, be good, and do not tell anyone.
The priest was good, and never told anyone.
1. You Can't Count Your Hair
2. You Can't wash your eyes With Soap
3. You Can't breathe when your tongue is out
Now Please Take your tongue back inside
2. You Can't wash your eyes With Soap
3. You Can't breathe when your tongue is out
Now Please Take your tongue back inside
She was considered highly qualified due to her decades of experience dusting for Prince.
The psychiatrist just diagnosed my cat for having dissociative identity disorder.
She now have 45 lives.
She now have 45 lives.
It's Christmas Eve in a home for disabled children. At midnight the door swings open and a completely wasted smelling with booze Santa stumbles in. He throws his bag in the middle of the room and leaves. All kids jump off their beds and start fighting for the gifts.
One boy, no arms no legs, is still laying in his bed.
-May I please get a gift too?
Nobody cares, everyone's trying to get a gift for themselves.
-May I please get something too?
No success. They're too busy fighting each other.
Desperately he rolls off his bed and using his chin starts making his way to the pile. He gets through, bites left and right, snatches one gift with his teeth and makes his way back to the bed.
Finally he tears through the box and..
-Fuck. A jumping rope...
One boy, no arms no legs, is still laying in his bed.
-May I please get a gift too?
Nobody cares, everyone's trying to get a gift for themselves.
-May I please get something too?
No success. They're too busy fighting each other.
Desperately he rolls off his bed and using his chin starts making his way to the pile. He gets through, bites left and right, snatches one gift with his teeth and makes his way back to the bed.
Finally he tears through the box and..
-Fuck. A jumping rope...
do you need help? **thats what everyone tells me**
can I help you? **do you have a degree in psychology?**
how would you like your eggs cooked? **that would be great**
are you all right? **I have tried to be all right but I kept falling over so I settled for being half left**
would you like that for here or to go? **yes**
can you call me back? **sure, but thats an odd name**
how do you spell that? **T. H. A. T.**
any questions? **yeah, who played lumpy on leave it to beaver?**
can I help you? **do you have a degree in psychology?**
how would you like your eggs cooked? **that would be great**
are you all right? **I have tried to be all right but I kept falling over so I settled for being half left**
would you like that for here or to go? **yes**
can you call me back? **sure, but thats an odd name**
how do you spell that? **T. H. A. T.**
any questions? **yeah, who played lumpy on leave it to beaver?**
A squirrel was making love with a nut.
another one passing by is shocked: are you fucking crazy?
the first one: no stupid, I'm fucking nuts.
another one passing by is shocked: are you fucking crazy?
the first one: no stupid, I'm fucking nuts.
A large Canadian lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good Lumberjack. The very next day, a skinny Irishman showed up at the camp with his axe, and knocked on the Foreman's door.
The Foreman took one look at the small Irishman and told him to leave. "Just give me a chance to show you what I can do," said the Irishman.
"Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" said the Foreman. "Take your axe and go cut it down."
The Irishman headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the Foreman's door.
"I cut the tree down," said the Irishman.
"*Holy smokes!*" Said the Formean. "Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?"
"In the Sahara Forest," replied the Irishman.
Confused, the Forman asked "...don't you mean the Sahara Desert?"
"Is that what they call it now?"
The Foreman took one look at the small Irishman and told him to leave. "Just give me a chance to show you what I can do," said the Irishman.
"Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" said the Foreman. "Take your axe and go cut it down."
The Irishman headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the Foreman's door.
"I cut the tree down," said the Irishman.
"*Holy smokes!*" Said the Formean. "Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?"
"In the Sahara Forest," replied the Irishman.
Confused, the Forman asked "...don't you mean the Sahara Desert?"
"Is that what they call it now?"
Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to ?100...
If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this...
The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
The fifth would pay ?1.
The sixth would pay ?3.
The seventh would pay ?7.
The eighth would pay ?12.
The ninth would pay ?18.
The tenth man (the richest) would pay ?59.
So, that's what they decided to do.
The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve ball.
"Since you are all such good customers," he said, "I'm going to reduce the cost of your daily beer by ?20". Drinks for the ten men would now cost just ?80.
The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes.
So the first four men were unaffected.
They would still drink for free. But what about the other six men?
The paying customers?
How could they divide the ?20 windfall so that everyone would get his fair share?
They realised that ?20 divided by six is ?3.33. But if they
subtracted that from everybody's share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer.
So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man's bill by a higher percentage the poorer he was, to follow the principle of the tax system they had been using, and he proceeded to work out the amounts he suggested that each should now pay.
And so the fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% saving).
The sixth now paid ?2 instead of ?3 (33% saving).
The seventh now paid ?5 instead of ?7 (28% saving).
The eighth now paid ?9 instead of ?12 (25% saving).
The ninth now paid ?14 instead of ?18 (22% saving).
The tenth now paid ?49 instead of ?59 (16% saving).
Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued to drink for free. But, once outside the bar, the men began to compare their savings.
"I only got a pound out of the ?20 saving," declared the sixth man.
He pointed to the tenth man,"but he got ?10!"
"Yeah, that's right," exclaimed the fifth man. "I only saved a pound too. It's unfair that he got ten times more benefit than me!"
"That's true!" shouted the seventh man. "Why should he get ?10 back, when I got only ?2? The wealthy get all the breaks!"
"Wait a minute," yelled the first four men in unison, "we didn't get anything at all. This new tax system exploits the poor!"
The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.
The next night the tenth man didn't show up for drinks, so the nine sat down and had their beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important. They didn't have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill!
And that, boys and girls, journalists and government ministers, is how our tax system works.
The people who already pay the highest taxes will naturally get the most benefit from a tax reduction.
Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore.
In fact, they might start drinking overseas, where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.
If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this...
The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
The fifth would pay ?1.
The sixth would pay ?3.
The seventh would pay ?7.
The eighth would pay ?12.
The ninth would pay ?18.
The tenth man (the richest) would pay ?59.
So, that's what they decided to do.
The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve ball.
"Since you are all such good customers," he said, "I'm going to reduce the cost of your daily beer by ?20". Drinks for the ten men would now cost just ?80.
The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes.
So the first four men were unaffected.
They would still drink for free. But what about the other six men?
The paying customers?
How could they divide the ?20 windfall so that everyone would get his fair share?
They realised that ?20 divided by six is ?3.33. But if they
subtracted that from everybody's share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer.
So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man's bill by a higher percentage the poorer he was, to follow the principle of the tax system they had been using, and he proceeded to work out the amounts he suggested that each should now pay.
And so the fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% saving).
The sixth now paid ?2 instead of ?3 (33% saving).
The seventh now paid ?5 instead of ?7 (28% saving).
The eighth now paid ?9 instead of ?12 (25% saving).
The ninth now paid ?14 instead of ?18 (22% saving).
The tenth now paid ?49 instead of ?59 (16% saving).
Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued to drink for free. But, once outside the bar, the men began to compare their savings.
"I only got a pound out of the ?20 saving," declared the sixth man.
He pointed to the tenth man,"but he got ?10!"
"Yeah, that's right," exclaimed the fifth man. "I only saved a pound too. It's unfair that he got ten times more benefit than me!"
"That's true!" shouted the seventh man. "Why should he get ?10 back, when I got only ?2? The wealthy get all the breaks!"
"Wait a minute," yelled the first four men in unison, "we didn't get anything at all. This new tax system exploits the poor!"
The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.
The next night the tenth man didn't show up for drinks, so the nine sat down and had their beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important. They didn't have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill!
And that, boys and girls, journalists and government ministers, is how our tax system works.
The people who already pay the highest taxes will naturally get the most benefit from a tax reduction.
Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore.
In fact, they might start drinking overseas, where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.
Who took a lesbian up to his room,
They sat on the bed,
Then each of them said:
"Now who does what and with which and to whom?"
They sat on the bed,
Then each of them said:
"Now who does what and with which and to whom?"
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