Jokes Collection

He's a smooooth alligatorrrrrr

None, they just keep asking you to let them in

The rice cake decides to go for a swim while his friend sunbathes for a bit. The rice cake swims around and eventually joins his friend on the shore.

The soccer ball looks at the rice cake and says "Hey you're wet, you should dry off!" to which the rice cake complies. He takes off the towel after a few minutes which causes the soccer ball to again state "Hey really man you need to dry off" to which the minorly annoyed rice cake agrees to do. After a few minutes he again takes off the towel.

The soccer ball angrily looks at the rice cake and says Ok, if you take your towel off again I'm going to throw you into the ocean." The rice cake is visibly concerned at this point but ignores the soccer ball. A moment passes and the soccer ball lets out an exasperated sigh and throws the rice cake into the ocean as hard as he can.

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A high school couple near graduation after which they will be going to separate colleges. As one last date they go to the local pier and exchange rings with each other. They both vow as long as they're in college they won't contact each other but will wear the rings as long as their love stays. They agree if they each still love each other after four years upon finishing college, they'll meet back at the pier and get engaged.

Four years pass and neither the boy or girl takes off the ring or loses any love for the other. Upon the day of their planned reuinion, the boy realizes a time was never set for meeting with his girlfriend again at the pier, so he heads out at sunrise with a fishing pole to kill some time and wait for his love.

The girl heads out at sunrise too, but unfortunately mistakes which pier the arranged meeting was supposed to take place at, causing her to go to the incorrect one. She waits at the pier all day and upon her boyfriend failing to show up angrily tears the ring off of her finger and throws it into the ocean where it is swept away in the surf.

The boy waits at the pier all day passing the time by fishing and enjoying the weather while he waits for his girl. The bites had been slow up until that point and he fell into a daze when suddenly he feels a tug at the end of his line.

He excitedly reels in the line as fast as he can but is quite perplexed when on the other end of the line is not a fish but a very wet rice cake.

Well it really seems like you two are squaring off. At least to tell us the long side of the story according to the Pythagorean Theorem.

less than twelve parsecs.

Bitter.

Bob gets a new scope for his rifle and goes out to test it with his buddy Jim.

"I can see for miles with this thing," Bob says, looking around the forest for something to shoot. He stops and focuses on something.

"You see that Jim? It's your wife. She's screwing around on you."

"I had a feeling she was," says Jim. "Why don't you test out that new scope, shoot her in the head and him in the dick."

"No problem," says Bob. "I can do that with one shot."

He had the brick tied to a rope which he was using to toss at cars, then reel back in, to toss at more cars.

Police surrounded him, telling him to drop the brick. As they started moving in, he tossed the brick again, aiming right at a semi.

The brick crashed through the windshield, causing it to get stuck in the semi. The brick thrower, with the rope wrapped around his arm, couldn't let go in time. The semi pulled the rope as it was going under the overpass, ripping the guys arm off.


The trucker was arrested three miles down the road,

for armed robbery.

Except when it's me, then it's okay.

He gave it one star.

...You can't fall asleep behind the wheel.

And the first one notices the second man is only bringing one ball with him, so he says to him "Are you going to be alright with just that? Don't you want some spares?"

"No." Says the second man, "This is all I need."

"But, what if you lose it?"

"That's what makes this ball so great. It's impossible to lose."

"What? What about if it goes into the woods?"

"That's fine, It's got a code I've scanned on my phone, so I can always track it. I'll find it in no time."

"Wow!" The first man's completely taken aback by this, but still he presses on. "What about if it goes into the lake?"

"Not a problem, it floats and turns red in water. So I'll be able to spot it and just fish it out."

"That's amazing. But, what about if you're playing at night?"

"Even that's not a problem, it glows in the dark. So even then I can find it!"

By now the first man is completely sold on this idea. "That sounds great! Where did you get it from?"

"I found it."

A thug jumped from the shadows and pointed a gun at him.

"Millie up, ya Croppy shite!" Said the thug. "I'll blast yer papist skull!"

"Bite the back o' me bullocks with that Blarney." Replied the Irishman. "I'm no Catholic, ya fookin eejit."

"Ha!" Said the thug. "Good craic! I tricked ya. I knew ya was a gee-bag Orangeman. Time to die, Protty!"

"Stay a little, ya mingin' muppet!" Urged the Irishman. "Begorah, I'm no Protestant either!"

The Irishman pulled out a Star of David pendant.

"See? I'm of The Tribe. I'm a Jew. Not Catholic nor Protestant. I'm a Jew!"

The thug lowered the gun. "Oh."

The Irishman sighed in relief.

After a moment, the thug raised the gun again and smiled.

"Then I'm the luckiest Muslim in all of Ireland!"

Having been an sea for 6 months without a woman he was desperate for a woman?s touch. But this was a slow night at the bar and the only woman there was a frail old lady in her 80?s. After a few beers and some whiskey chasers he starts talking to her and they end up at her place.
He starts caressing her and cuddling. Being horny and drunk he ignores her dry leathery skin and caresses her neck and begins fondling her breasts which feel like two lava lumps. But after a 6 month dry spell decides to power through and massages them softly and to his surprise a few drops of milk come out of the stubby nibbles. He licks the sweet nectar clean and proceeds with the lovemaking.
After it all he?s ready to leave and says to the lady
"thanks this was nice, but I was quite surprised when the sweet milk came out of your tit?s I would think you where a bit to old to have kids"

"Oh yes dear I am to old to have kids, but not to old to have cancer"

...What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.

rarely and with short bursts of crying and pooping, sometimes both

He runs to his dad and yells, "Dad, it's my birthday! Guess how old I am!" Playing along, the boy's father asks,"How old are you?" The boys yells, "I'm 11!" He then runs out of the room.

Next, the boy runs to his grandma and yells,"Grandma, it's my birthday! Guess how old I am!" Grandma calmly says, "Come here." And the boy slowly approached.

The grandma takes her old, frail, white hand and sticks it in the boys underpants. After a few minutes of reaching and fondling, Grandma says, "You're 11."

The boy says, "Wow, how did you know?". Grandma responds, "I heard you tell your father."

A man has a rectal cancer, and the doctor has prescribed him with enema to relive his pain. Since the man is still hospitalized, the doctor decided to put the medicine by himself.

By the next day a nurse decided to put in the medicine because the doctor is on his break. Then she pushed the medicine roughly into the man's anus. After she was done putting in the medicine, the man is seen crying himself off. The nurse thought that she made a mistake, then the man said

"I just remebered that the doctor placed both of his hand on my waist when the medicine was being inserted"

The polar bear..

I'll see myself out...

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter,

"Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a, very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

"Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler

"Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."