Jokes Collection
Enjoy our collection of over 100,000 jokes. Find humor for every occasion and share laughs with friends and family.
Featured Joke
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As
she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his
stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet
shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles,
has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed,
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied
the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she
protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or
something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned
around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later
with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on
in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his
front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from
top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and
shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the
head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he
returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also
delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat
back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and
strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the
woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most
definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and
produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she
cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it,
the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the
Cat Scan, it's now $150
she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his
stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet
shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles,
has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed,
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied
the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she
protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or
something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned
around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later
with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on
in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his
front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from
top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and
shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the
head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he
returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also
delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat
back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and
strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the
woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most
definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and
produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she
cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it,
the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the
Cat Scan, it's now $150
Latest Jokes
The inmate on death row is scheduled to be put to death by firing squad. He doesn't request a last meal or anything special for his last day.
As he stands before the firing squad he says, "Actually, music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one whole time through, with no interruptions."
The guard nods solemnly and tells him to go ahead.
The inmate starts, "One billion bottles of beer on the wall... ."
As he stands before the firing squad he says, "Actually, music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one whole time through, with no interruptions."
The guard nods solemnly and tells him to go ahead.
The inmate starts, "One billion bottles of beer on the wall... ."
There was this guy born with three testes. After news of this spread in his school, everyone started making fun of him. Everywhere he went, his schoolmates would start chanting, "Here comes Three-balls! Here comes Three-balls."
He was so humiliated that he took a sharp knife and cut his extra ball off. When his parents found him bleeding on the floor of the bathroom, they took him to the hospital. Fortunately, he recovered and eventually became well enough to come back to school. But the news of this incident had already reached the school. When he appeared, now people started shouting, "Here comes Two-balls! Here comes Two-balls."
Now this guy was so stupid that he thought this was abnormal too. So he took the knife again and cut another ball off. After a spell in hospital, he returned to school and again the chanting began, "Here comes One-ball. Here comes One-ball."
And you guessed, this guy was so stupid and embarrassed by all this that he decided to cut off his remaining ball too. After another lengthy spell in hospital, he returned to school. At first, all his schoolmates were silent. Then they began chanting, "Here comes ___________! Here comes _________!" (insert the name of the friend you are telling the joke to.)
Obviously, this joke only works if your telling it to a group of friends and your intended victim is also present.
He was so humiliated that he took a sharp knife and cut his extra ball off. When his parents found him bleeding on the floor of the bathroom, they took him to the hospital. Fortunately, he recovered and eventually became well enough to come back to school. But the news of this incident had already reached the school. When he appeared, now people started shouting, "Here comes Two-balls! Here comes Two-balls."
Now this guy was so stupid that he thought this was abnormal too. So he took the knife again and cut another ball off. After a spell in hospital, he returned to school and again the chanting began, "Here comes One-ball. Here comes One-ball."
And you guessed, this guy was so stupid and embarrassed by all this that he decided to cut off his remaining ball too. After another lengthy spell in hospital, he returned to school. At first, all his schoolmates were silent. Then they began chanting, "Here comes ___________! Here comes _________!" (insert the name of the friend you are telling the joke to.)
Obviously, this joke only works if your telling it to a group of friends and your intended victim is also present.
"You are the father of 2 children," the fortune teller says. "That's what you think! I'm the father of 3 children!," says the man. "That's what you think," says the fortune teller.
And he sees a man sitting in the middle of the room busy sawing a piece of wood with his hand.
He looks up and sees another man dangling from the ceiling upside down.
"What are you doing he asks the man on the floor?"
"Are you stupid? I'm sawing this piece of wood in half"
The man replies: "And your friend hanging from the ceiling?"
"Isn't it obvious? He's a lightbulb" Responds the man sawing the wood.
"Well tell him to get down before he hurts himself"
The man sawing the wood stops abruptly and responds:
"And work in the dark?!!"
He looks up and sees another man dangling from the ceiling upside down.
"What are you doing he asks the man on the floor?"
"Are you stupid? I'm sawing this piece of wood in half"
The man replies: "And your friend hanging from the ceiling?"
"Isn't it obvious? He's a lightbulb" Responds the man sawing the wood.
"Well tell him to get down before he hurts himself"
The man sawing the wood stops abruptly and responds:
"And work in the dark?!!"
Fact 1: You are reading this my post on reddit.
Fact 2: You can't say the letter 'm' without touching your lips.
Fact 3: You just tried it.
Fact 4: You're smiling.
Fact 6: You're smiling or laughing again.
Fact 7: You didn't notice I missed fact 5.
Fact 8: You just checked it.
Fact 9: You're smiling again.
Fact 10: You like this and you're going to rate or comment. :)
Fact 2: You can't say the letter 'm' without touching your lips.
Fact 3: You just tried it.
Fact 4: You're smiling.
Fact 6: You're smiling or laughing again.
Fact 7: You didn't notice I missed fact 5.
Fact 8: You just checked it.
Fact 9: You're smiling again.
Fact 10: You like this and you're going to rate or comment. :)
A guy is on a date with a girl, so he takes her to Lovers' Lane.
When they get up there, she says, ''I have to be honest with you -- I'm a hooker.'' The guy thinks about this for a short time and says it's okay. He agrees to pay her $25, and they start having sex.
After they finish, the guy says, ''I have to be honest with you now. I'm a cab driver, and it'll cost you $25 for me to drive you back into town.''
When they get up there, she says, ''I have to be honest with you -- I'm a hooker.'' The guy thinks about this for a short time and says it's okay. He agrees to pay her $25, and they start having sex.
After they finish, the guy says, ''I have to be honest with you now. I'm a cab driver, and it'll cost you $25 for me to drive you back into town.''
Joke Categories
Funny Joke
Teacher: "Anyone who thinks he's stupid may stand up!"
*Nobody stands up*
Teacher: "Im sure there are some stupid students over here!!"
*Little Johnny stands up*
Teacher: "Ohh, Johnny you think you're stupid?"
Little Johnny: "No... i just feel bad that you're standing alone..."
Funny Joke
Teacher: "Anyone who thinks he's stupid may stand up!"
*Nobody stands up*
Teacher: "Im sure there are some stupid students over here!!"
*Little Johnny stands up*
Teacher: "Ohh, Johnny you think you're stupid?"
Little Johnny: "No... i just feel bad that you're standing alone..."
**A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts."
The doctor asks, "What do you mean?"
The man says, "When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. If I touch my knee - OUCH! When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts."
The doctor says, "I know what's wrong with you - you've broken your finger!" **
The doctor asks, "What do you mean?"
The man says, "When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. If I touch my knee - OUCH! When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts."
The doctor says, "I know what's wrong with you - you've broken your finger!" **
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