Jokes Collection

Ok, so there's this guy, who's about forty years old, and he's a ginger. You know, red hair, pale skin, freckles, no soul, the whole works, he's a ginger. and he lives by New York City. he doesn't live in it, he only lives by it, but he works in the city, and in his free time he enjoys going into the city. so one night he was out having a good time in the city and he has work the next morning. so he's taking the subway to work because that's how people in New York get to work, they take the subway. so remember, he had a late night last night, so he falls asleep on the subway. he is fast asleep and when the subway gets to his stop, he's still asleep! everyone who is getting out at his stop gets out, but he's still asleep! the doors finally close and the subway continues while this man is still asleep! so the subway is going about the course of its run and he's still asleep! finally the train get to its last stop and everyone is off except for this man, who is still asleep! the conductor comes around to check if all the cars are empty and he finds this man asleep. he says "sir! wake up"! and the guy goes, "whoa! what happened" and the conductor says "you fell asleep and missed your stop!". so the guy says " wow, I have no idea where I am!" and the conductor says, well I can't help you, you have to get off, the subway is done running for today" so the guy figures he has to get off. now h's walkin' around and he has no idea where he is! remember he doesn't live in New York, he only works there and spends his free time there. so he's walkin' around and he is feeling hungry. he had a late night last night and didn't get any breakfast in the morning. so he figures, well if I'm lost I might as well have a full stomach, so he sees a Wawa and he's thinkin, "I like Wawa, I'll go get some". so he walks into the Wawa and says, "HEY, WHERE'S THE CREAM FILLING?!"

I called the ISPCA today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs."
"That's terrible," the woman on the phone replied. "Are they moving?"
"I'm not sure, to be honest," I said, "But that would explain the suitcase."

Nobody's limbs.

...Reddit's servers!

What's the difference between a lamborghini and a pile of dead babies?


I don't have a lamborghini in my garage.

So am like...you want to be a ditto?

They push two twins together to make a king.

Not screaming like everyone else in the car.

A sandwitch.

A farmer walks into a bar with a horse. He says, "I will give any of you $1,000 if you can make my horse laugh."

A man yells, "I'll take that bet," and leads the horse into the men's room.

After a couple seconds, a loud braying laugh is heard from behind the door. The farmer screams to the man, "OK, I'll give you $2,000 if you can make my horse cry."

The man shouts, "You're on!"

After a few more seconds, the man exits with the horse trudging behind him with tears streaming down his long-snout. Flabbergasted, the farmer asks, "How did you do it?"

The man replies, "I said that my d**k was bigger than his and he laughed. Then I showed it to him."

Boo-bees

Chronic depression makes the meat a little tangy.

I laughed so hard I cried

1. we did not come out of the same vagina
2. odds are i'm trying to get into yours

Needless to say, I was greatly disappointed.

Israelites contain about 20% less fat.

Because you're not supposed to see the bride before the wedding

Nothing stupid, dogs don't talk.

One of them should've noticed.

(credit to my brother)

By thinking outside the box