Jokes Collection

What is the Easter Bunny's favourite state

capital?
Albunny, New York!

Why did the internit paint his
computer
screen in little black and white squares?
He wanted to check his
e-mail.

Why do church bells
never send
e-mails?
They'd rather give each other a ring.

Why didn't the internit get any

e-mail?
Because his e-dog kept chasing the e-postman.

Why couldn't the apple send an e-mail to

the orange?
Because the lime was engaged.

Why couldn't the alligator send e-mails on his

PC?
Because it was on old croc.

Upon
entering the little country store, the
stranger noticed a sign saying;
DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the
glass door.
Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the
floor besides
the cash register.

He asked the store
manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to
beware of?"

"Yep,
that's him," he replied.

The stranger couldn't help but be
amused. "That certainly doesn't
look like a dangerous dog to me. Why
in the world would you post that
sign?"

"Because," the
owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people
kept tripping over
him."

A man and his dog went into a pub. The barman said
"Sorry mate no
dogs allowed in here!" The dog said "Oh please
don't be like that,
I'm trained and I won't cause any trouble!" The
bar man was
astonished at the talking dog and sat and chatted with
the dog and it's owner.
After a while the owner went to the toilet
and the barman saw his
chance for a prank. He said to the dog
"Would you do me a favor as a wind
up, will you go down to my friends
bakers shop and order a loaf of
bread??" "Sure!" Replied the dog. The
bar man gave the dog a fiver and
the dog left.

When the
owner came out of the toilet he went into a panic when he saw
his dog
had gone. The barman said "It's ok he's gone down to the
bakery
for me" The owner was livid "It IS NOT OK he's never been out on
his
own, anything could happen to him he could get run over.

The
owner spent the next hour searching for his dog, walking the
str
eets frantically. As he was walking he heard strange noises coming
from an
ally way, he went down and there was his dog having it's
wicked way
with a lady poodle. "ROVER!" Shouted the owner "You've had
me worried
sick, what's the matter with you you've never
dissapeared like this
before!" The dog replied "I've never had a fiver
before!"

A man is
walking down the street when he hears
a voice, "Pssst you come over
here!" He looks round and can see no
one but an old mangy greyhound.
"yes over here!" Said the greyhound
"Look at me I'm tied up here, I
should be racing I won 14 races in
my carrer you know?" The man thought
to himself "Oh my god a
talking dog, I have to have it, it will make
me rich, tv appearances
cabaret bookings" So he goes in search of the
owner.

He found
the owner and said "I'd like to buy your dog, is he for
sale??" The
owner says "No mate you don't want that old moth eaten
thing!"
"But I do!" Insisted the man "I'lll give you 1000 pounds for
him. "Ok
said the owner but I think your making a big mistake!" Handing
over
the money the man said "Why do you think that?" The man replied

"Because that dogs a bloody liar it's never won a race in it's

life!"

A man was very proud of his guard
dog, he would
leave it to roam free in the garden to sow the world his
house was
guarded. One day a woman knocked at his door. "Is that your
big dog
outside?" Wondering how she had got past him he said "Yes
why?" She
said I'm sorry but my dog just killed him!" "What??" Roared
the
man "What kind of dog have you got??" "A Peke" Replied the
woman. "A
Peke??? how could that little thing kill my big fine guard
dog?" "I
think it got stuck in his throat!" Replied the woman.

A man took his dog to the vets and asked the vet to

completely remove the dogs tail. The vet confused said "Why do you

want me to do that? the dogs tail is perfectly healthy." The man
replied
"Well the wifes mother comes this weekend and I want to make
sure
there are no signs of any welcome!!"

Doctor, Doctor I think I need
glasses
You certainly do, Sir, this is a fish and chip shop!

Doctor Doctor I swallowed a
bone.
Are you choking?
No, I really did!

The surgeon told his patient that woke
up after
having been operated: "I'm afraid we're going to have to
operate you
again. Because, you see, I forgot my rubber gloves
inside you."

"Well, if it's just because of them, I'd rather pay
for them if you
just leave me alone."

Did you hear the new penalty for

speeding in Illinois?
The first offense they give you Bears tickets
and the second offense
they make you use them.

A doctor and his wife were having a
big
argument at breakfast.
"You aren't so good in bed either!" he
shouted and stormed off to
work.
By midmorning, he decided he'd
better make amends and phoned home.
After many rings, his wife
picked up the phone.
"What took you so long to answer?"
"I was in
bed."
"What were you doing in bed this late?"
"Getting a second
opinion."

A friend
of mine just got divorced. He and
his ex-wife split the
house. He got the outside.

Staring down from the bench to announce the

terms of the
divorce decree, the judge turned to the husband and
said:
"I'm going to award her alimony in the amount of $250 a month."


To which the woman's about-to-be ex replied: "That's
mighty
kind of you, judge. I'll try to help her all I can, too."

Regardless of what you may hear, there's still
many women
these days
who are excellent "housekeepers". Seems
each time they get a divorce,
they keep the house.

Two
men are talking. The first sez, "I got
married because I was tired
of eating out, cleaning the house, doing
the laundry and wearing
shabby clothes."

"Amazing," said the
second, "I just got divorced for the very same
reasons."