Jokes Collection

The Fire brigade phones George Graham in
the
early hours of Sunday morning.

"Mr Graham sir, White Hart
Lane is on fire!"

"The cups man! Save the cups!" cries
George.

"Uh, the fire hasn't spread to the canteen yet, sir."

A US
Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal
alien in the bushes right by the
border fence, he pulls him out and
says "Sorry, you know the law, you've
got to go back across the
border right now."

The mexican man pleads with them, "No, noooo
Senior, I must stay in de
USA! Pleeeze!"

The Border Patrol
Agent thinks to himself, I'm going to make it hard
for him and says
"Ok, I'll let you stay if you can use 3 english words
in a
sentence".

The Mexican man of course agrees.

The Border Patrol
Agent tells him, "The 3 words are: Green, Pink and
Yellow. Now use
them in 1 sentence."

The Mexican man thinks really hard for
about 2 minutes, then says,
"Hmmm, Ok. The phone, it went Green,
Green, Green, I Pink it up and sez
Yellow?"

Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an

Irishman. So, one of the Englishmen walked over to the Irishman,
tapped
him on the shoulder, and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was
a
drunken loser."

"Oh really, hmm, didn't know
that."

Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. "I told him St.

Patrick was a loser, and he didn't care." The second Englishman

remarked, "You just don't know how to set him off...watch and learn."
So,
the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him
on the
shoulder and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was lying,
cheating,
idiotic, low-life scum!"

"Oh really, hmm, didn't
know that."

Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to
his buddies.
"You're right. He's unshakable!"

The third
Englishman remarked, "Boys, I'll really tick him off...
just watch."
So the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped
hi
m on the shoulder and said, "I hear St. Patrick was an
Englishman!"

"Yeah, that's what your buddies were trying to tell me."

There were
three Aggies; one crane operator,
one pole climber, one guide. The guide
tied the crane to the end of
a pole. The crane operator would then pick
the pole up on end. The
climber climbed to the top and dropped a tape
measure which the
guide promptly read and noted the measurement. The
crane operator then
lowered the pole to the ground and repsitioned to pick
up another
pole. This went on several times when the foreman came over
and
asked why they couldn't measure the poles while they were laying
on
the ground? The Aggies replied, "we need to know how tall the poles

are, not how long".

An Englishman, Frenchman,
Mexican, and Texan
were flying across country on a small plane when the
pilot comes on
the loud speaker and says " We're having mechanical
problems and
the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of
you to
open the door and jump, at least one of you can survive"

The four
open the door and look out below. The Englishman takes a deep

breath and hollers "God Save The Queen" and jumps.

The Frenchman gets
really inspired and hollers "Viva La France" and
he also
jumps.

This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers "Remember the Alamo"
and
he grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane.

Three men are traveling in the Amazon, a German,

an American, and a Mexican, and they get captured by some Amazons.
The
head of the tribe says to the German, "What do you want on your
back
for your whipping?"

The German responds, "I will take
oil!" So they put oil on his back,
and a large Amazon whips him ten
times. When he is finished the German
has these huge welts on his
back, and he can hardly move.

The Amazons haul the German away,
and say to the Mexican, "What do you
want on your back?"

"I
will take nothing!" says the Mexican, and he stands there straight

and takes his ten lashings without a single flinch.

"What will
you take on your back?" the Amazons ask the American.

He
responds, "I'll take the Mexican."

Fred: You've got a Roman nose.
Harry: Like
Julius Caesar?
Fred: No, it's roamin' all over your face.

Fred: You have
the face of a saint.
Jill:
Really? Which one?
Fred: A Saint Bernard.

What happened when the
witch went for a job as
a TV presenter?
The producer said she had the perfect face for
radio.

Louise was watching her big sister covering her
face
with cream.
"What's that for?" she asked.
"To make me
beautiful," came the reply.
Louise then watched in silence as she
wiped her face clean.
"Doesn't work, does it?" was her comment.

What is grey and hairy and lives on a man's face?

A mousetache.

What do you get if you cross an elephant and a
kangaroo
?
Big holes all over Australia !

What do you call an elephant
that flies
?
A jumbo jet !

Why did the elephant
paint his toenails
red ?
So he could hide in the cherry tree !

'We're going to play elephants and
circuses,' said
a little boy at kindergarten, 'Do you want to join
in?'
'I'd love to,'replied the teacher. 'What do you want me to
do?'
'You can be the lady that feeds us peanuts !'

Q: What is the pink stuff between elephant's

toes?
A: Slow clowns.

What is the Easter Bunny's
favourite sport?

Basket-ball, of course!

Did you hear about the lady whose house was
infested
with Easter eggs?
She had to call an eggs-terminator!

Where did the Easter Bunny go to college?

Johns Hopkins!

What would you get if you crossed the Easter
Bunny
with a famous French general?
Napoleon Bunnyparte!