Jokes Collection

A woman goes into the local newspaper

office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is

published. After
the editor informs her that the fee for the
obituary is 50
cents a word, she pauses, reflects and then says, "Well,
then,
let it read 'Fred Brown died'."

Confounded at the
woman's thrift, the editor stammers that there
is a 7-word minimum for
all obituaries. The woman pauses again,
counts on her fingers and
replies, "In that case, 'Fred Brown
died: 1983 Pick-up for
sale'."

Andy: "Doc, I had the worst dream of my life last
night. I
dreamed I was with twelve of the most beautiful chorus
girls in the
world. Blondes, brunettes, redheads, all dancing in a
row."
Doctor: "Hold it, Andy. That doesn't sound so terrible."

Andy: Oh yeah? In the dream, I was the third girl from the end."

Q. Where do tired linedancers go for
Breakfast?
A. Ihop

Q. What do you call a one legged

linedancer?
A. Eileen (I Lean)

Q. What do you call two line dancers doing the
dance
Shoot the Rooster?
A. A Pair of Shoot (parachute)

Q. What do you have when only one line dancer

comes to your party?
A. A One Liner!

Why do they put a suicide watch on death row
prisoners? Why
would you care if a man you're planning to kill
anyway, kills himself?
Does it spoil the fun?

I also think
about the death row prisoner in Texas who, on the day
before his
execution, managed to take a drug overdose. They rushed him to a

hospital, saved his life, then brought him back to prison and killed

him.

Apparently, just to anger him.

A prisoner at
the Edmonton Max started
training a large fly to do tricks.

For years, for thousands of
hours, he worked with the insect. It
learned to walk across a miniature
high wire, ride a tiny one-wheel bike,
balance on a pair of stilts
and sing songs from PHANTOM OF THE OPERA.

"When you and I get
out of here," the jailbird said to the fly.
"we're going to tour
the nightspots and make a fortune."

Finally the day arrived. Fly
safely tucked away in his pocket, (inside
its matchbox home), the
ex-con made his way to a bar to celebrate.

At the bar, he
brought out his trick fly. On cue, it started
moonwalking. "What about
this fly, eh?" he said to the bartender.

In one swift motion, the
bartender reached for his copy of the
newspaper THE EDMONTON SUN,
rolled it up and squished the fly with a mighty
swipe.

"Glad
you saw it," muttered the bartender. "Blasted things are
eve
rywhere."

Two men,
sentenced to die in the electric
chair on the same day were led down to
the room in which they would
meet their maker. The priest had given the
last rites, the formal
speech had been given by the warden, and a final
prayer had been
said among the participants. The Warden, turning to the
first man,
solemnly asked, "Son, do you have a last request?" To
which the man
replied, "Yes sir, I do. I love dance music. Could you
please play
The Macarena for me one last time?"

"Certainly," replied the
warden. He turned to the other man and
asked, "Well, what about you,
son? What is your final request?"

"Please," said the condemned
man, "kill me first."

A murderer, sitting in the electric chair, was
about to be
executed.

"Have you any last requests? asked the
chaplain.

"Yes," replied the murderer. "Will you hold my
hand?"

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to

prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his
fellow
inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good
person and made
arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his
time. After
three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best
carpenters in the local
area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to
do odd jobs for the
citizens of the community.... and he always
reported back to prison before
Sunday night was over.

The
warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done
much
of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of

kitchen cupboards and a large counter top which he had promised his wife.

So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job
for
him.

But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, "Gosh,
I'd really like
to help you but counter fitting is what got
me into prison in the first
place".

A cowboy and a biker are on death row, and are

to be executed on the same day. The day comes, and they are brought
to
the gas chamber. The warden asks the cowboy if he has a last
request,
to which the cowboy replies, "Ah shore do, wardn. Ah'd be
mighty
grateful if'n yoo'd play 'Achy Breaky Heart' fur me
bahfore ah hafta
go."

"Sure enough, cowboy, we can do that," says
the warden. He turns to
the biker, "And you, biker, what's your
last request?"

"That you kill me first."

Teacher: When do
astronauts eat?
Pupil:
At launch time!

The cowboy
was trying to buy a health
insurance policy. The insurance agent was
going down the list of standard
questions.

"Ever have an accident?"

"Nope, nary a
one."

"None? You've never had any accidents."

"Nope. Ain't
never had one. Never."

"Well, you said on this form you were bit by
a snake once. Wouldn't
you consider that an
accident?"

"Heck, no. That dang varmint bit me on purpose."

Three cowboys
were hanging out in the
bunkhouse. "I know that smart aleck Tex,"
said the first. "He's going to
start bragging about that new foreign car
he bought as soon as he
gets back."

"Not Tex," the second cowboy replied. "He'll always
be just a good
ol' boy. When he walks in, I'm sure all he'll say
is hello."

"I know Tex better than either of you," said the
third. "He's so
smart, he'll figure out a way to do both. Here he
comes now." Tex swung
open the bunkhouse door and shouted, "Audi,
partners!"

The cowboy lay sprawled across three entire
seats
in the posh Amarillo theatre. When the usher came by and noticed
this
he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only
allowed one
seat." The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher
became more
impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm
going to have to
call the manager. The cowboy just groaned.

The
usher marched briskly back up the aisle. In a moment he returned

with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the

cowboy, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The
cop
surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy,
what's
you're name?"

"Sam," the cowboy moaned.


"Where ya from, Sam?"

With pain in his voice Sam replied.... "The
balcony."

A man climbed over a fence into a
field to pick
some flowers. He noticed a bull nearby.
Say, farmer. Is that bull
safe?
Well, he's a lot safer than you are right now!

Why do cows wear bells
around their
necks?
Because their horns don't work.

Camper: Look at that bunch of cows.
Farmer: Not
bunch, herd.
Camper: Heard what?
Farmer: Of cows.
Camper: Sure
I've heard of cows.
Farmer: No, I mean a cowherd.
Camper: So
what? I have no secrets from cows!

What did the farmer call the cow that would not

give him any milk ?
An udder failure !