Jokes Collection

A librarian was quietly working when three
chickens
walked in and jumped on to the counter eyed her and said "BUK BUK

BUK" Not sure she was sane she gave the chikens three books and
they left.

An hour later in walked the chickens again jumped onto
the counter,
returned the books they had taken earlier and said "BUK
BUK BUK" Now
convinced she was out of her mind she gave them three
books, they took one
each and left. This time she decided to follow
them. She followed them
down to the local pond and stood horrified
as they threw the books into
the water.

All of a sudden they
flew back out of the pond and a frog stuck it's
head up saying
"RREDIT RREDIT RREDIT!"

A family of three tomatoes
were walking
downtown one day when the little baby tomato started
lagging behind. The
big father tomato walks back to the baby tomato, stomps
on her,
squashing her into a red paste, and says, "Ketchup!"

A customer was bothering the
waiter in a
restaurant. First, he asked that the air conditioning be
turned up
because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause
he was too
cold, and so on for about half an hour.

Surprisingly, the waiter
was very patient, he walked back and forth and
never once got
angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he
didn't throw out
the pest.

"Oh, I really don't care or mind," said the waiter
with a smile.
"We don't even have an air conditioner."

A customer was bothering the waiter in a
restaurant.
First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because
he was
too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too
cold, and so on
for about half an hour.

Surprisingly, the
waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and
never once got
angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he
didn't throw
out the pest.

"Oh, I really don't care or mind," said the waiter
with a smile.
"We don't even have an air conditioner."

One day, Bill and Tom went to a
restaurant for
dinner. As soon as the waiter took out two steaks, Bill quickly

picked out the bigger steak for himself.

Tom wasn't happy about
that: "When are you going to learn to be
polite?"

Bill: "If
you had the chance to pick first, which one would you

pick?"

Tom: "The smaller piece, of course."

Bill: "What are you whining
about then? The smaller piece is what you
want, right?"

Q. What did the salt say to the pepper?
A. Hey
Baby, what's SHAKING!

It was well known that a certain lake was very
poor for
fishing up north, but a game warden happened to notice
that one guy kept
coming home with his limit of fish on several
occations. He asked the guy:
"How is it that you are catching fish out of
that lake when no one
else can?" The guy replied: "Well I am going
back up there tommorow, why
don't you come along?" And, so the
warden did. They were in the boat
when the fisherman reached over and
lit a stick of dynamite and then
tossed it overboard. BOOM!!! There
were fish floating to the surface all
over! The game warden freaked
out, and said: "You can't do that!
That's illeagal!" The
fisherman reached over and lit another stick and
said: "Are you going to
fish, or talk?"

Q:what did the fish say when he hit the
concrete wall?


A:Damn

Q:what do you catch when you go ice fishing



A:a cold

If you're fishing on ice, you should
never
tell a joke on ice. WHY???

The ice will crack up!

Bob is sitting on the ice all day fishing with

no luck, not even a nibble. Cold and tired he is about to leave,
when a
guy walks up cuts a hole in the ice beside him, and starts
pulling out
fish as fast a he can drop his hook in the water.
Bob
can't believe it, he yells over " whats your secret?"


"woogatkakeptewrwm" he answers back.

"what did you say?" replies Bob.


The man spits a large ball of worms on the ice and says to Bob,
" you
have to keep your worms warm".

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad
in a lawsuit filed by
an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was
missing from the section
through which the railroad passed. The
rancher only wanted to be paid
the fair value of the bull.

The
case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in

the back room of the general store.

The attorney for the
railroad immediately cornered the rancher and
tried to get him to settle
out of court. The lawyer did his best selling
job, and finally the
rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.

After the
rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young
lawyer
couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the

rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one

over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was

asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went thr
ough your
ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on
the stand. I
bluffed you!"

The old rancher replied, "Well,
I'll tell you, young feller, I was a
little worried about winning
that case myself, because that durned bull
came home this
morning."

On a rural road a state trooper pulled this
farmer over and said:
"Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the
car several miles
back?"

To which the farmer replied: "Thank
God, I thought I had gone
deaf!"

A jogger running down a country road
is
startled as a horse yells at him "Hey-come over hear buddy". The
jogger
is stunned but runs over to the fence where the horse is standing

and asks"Were you talking to me"? The horse replies"Sure was, man

I've got a problem. I won the Kentucky Derby a few years ago and this

farmer bought me and now all I do is pull a plow and I'm sick of it.
Why
don't you run up to the house and offer him $5,000 to buy me.
I'll
make you some money cause I can still run." The jogger
thought to
himself,"boy a talking horse" Dollar signs started appearing
in his head.
So he runs to the house and the old farmer is sitting
on the porch. The
jogger tells the farmer"Hey man I'll give you
$5,000 for that old
broken down nag you've got in the field". The
farmer replies"Son you
can't believe anything that horse says-He's
never even been to
Kentucky.

There was a farmer who
had a lot of live
stock. He had cows, horses, chickens, pigs, and bulls.
One day a
terrible twister came and the man and his family were only
saved by
throwing themselves in the nearest ditch. After it was all over,
he
looked up to see that the house was gone. Saddened by the loss, he

went out to see if any of the animals had survived. The horses,

chickens, pigs, and cows were laid out flat but the bulls were standing! The

farmer was amazed and asked them, "How is it that all the other
animals
are down and you are still standing?" The bulls replied, "We
bulls
wobble but we don't fall down!"

This farmer has 500 hens but no rooster so he

goes to his neighbor and asks him if he could buy a rooster for $100.

The neighbor says, "You can have this rooster. His name's Roy.
He'll
get all your hens pregnant. He's a real stud."

So the
farmer takes him home and says, "It's your first day so take
it
slow, okay?"

The farmer puts Roy in the hen house and then hears
all the hens crying
and yelling. Roy nailed every one of those hens
and then nailed a duck
and a goose at a pond.

The next
morning the farmer finds Roy lying dead with his legs sticking
in the
air and buzzards circling overhead.

The farmer says, "Roy, did
you have to die?"

Roy says, "Quiet! They're about to land!"

How many firemen does it take
to change
a light bulb?
Four - three to cut a hole in the roof and one to
change the bulb.

A man calls the fire
department and
says, "Yes, I have just had my front yard landscaped, I
have a nice
new flower bed, a new fish pond with a fountain and a new
rose
garden."

"Very nice," the firefighter says, "but what does that have
to do
with the fire service?"

"Well," the man answers, "the
house next door is on fire and I
don't want you to trample my front
yard."

A man who worked at a fire hydrant factory
was always late for work.
When confronted by his boss the man
explained:
"You can't park anywhere near this place!"

After the
fire-truck arrived at a
burning building in a small Spanish town, the
firemen observed a man
dressed in a matador's costume prancing around on
the roof. Four of
the firemen held a safety-net and urged him to escape
from the
burning building by jumping into the net. He refused and
loudly
proclaimed, "I'm Fearless Jose the bullfighter who fears nothing,
not even
fire."

The firemen begged and pleaded but to no avail. Jose kept
prancing
around while repeating the same phrase over and over until
the firemen got
really sick and tired of hearing it. Finally, when
the flames began to
scorch his butt, Jose announced he had changed
his mind, was ready to
jump and then leaped off the rooftop. As his
body hurtled toward the
safety-net, the four firemen shouted,
"Ole!" and quickly moved it
aside.