Jokes Collection
Enjoy our collection of over 100,000 jokes. Find humor for every occasion and share laughs with friends and family.
Featured Joke
I walked up to the hotel front desk at one of the casinos in Atlantic City last week. I asked them how much their rooms were, and the lady told me they were $10 per night.
I asked why they were so cheap, and she said they weren't like other hotels, there's a few things that the customers need to do themselves that would normally be done by the hotel staff. For instance, she said I would need to make my own bed. I figured no problem, I do that every day at home.
So I gave her my credit card and paid for the room. She gave me the room key, a hammer, some nails, and a box from Ikea. Then I went up to the room and started putting the bed together.
I asked why they were so cheap, and she said they weren't like other hotels, there's a few things that the customers need to do themselves that would normally be done by the hotel staff. For instance, she said I would need to make my own bed. I figured no problem, I do that every day at home.
So I gave her my credit card and paid for the room. She gave me the room key, a hammer, some nails, and a box from Ikea. Then I went up to the room and started putting the bed together.
Latest Jokes
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her
pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your
divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the
middle of
the property with a stream running by."
"No," he
said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made
of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he
continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and
uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's
parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We
have a two-car carport and have never really
needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your
marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't
necessarily
like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes,"
she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I
do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you
want a
divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied.
"I've never wanted a
divorce. My husband does. He said he can't
communicate with me!"
pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your
divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the
middle of
the property with a stream running by."
"No," he
said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made
of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he
continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and
uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's
parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We
have a two-car carport and have never really
needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your
marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't
necessarily
like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes,"
she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I
do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you
want a
divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied.
"I've never wanted a
divorce. My husband does. He said he can't
communicate with me!"
What's the ultimate rejection?
When you're
masturbating and your hand falls asleep.
When you're
masturbating and your hand falls asleep.
The officer shouted orders to a nearby soldier.
With considerable
bravery, the GI ran directly onto the field of
battle, in the line of
fire, to retrieve a dispatch case from a dead
soldier. In a hail of
bullets, he dove back to
safety.
"Private," the officer said, "I'm recommending you for a medal. You
risked your life to save the locations of our secret
warehouses."
"Warehouses?" the private shouted. "I thought you said
whorehouses!"
With considerable
bravery, the GI ran directly onto the field of
battle, in the line of
fire, to retrieve a dispatch case from a dead
soldier. In a hail of
bullets, he dove back to
safety.
"Private," the officer said, "I'm recommending you for a medal. You
risked your life to save the locations of our secret
warehouses."
"Warehouses?" the private shouted. "I thought you said
whorehouses!"
Two Marines were sitting around talking one day.
The
first Marine asked the second Marine, "If they were to drop a
bomb right
now, what would be the first thing you would
do?"
The second Marine said, "I would screw the first thing that moved.
What would you do?"
The first Marine replied, "I would stand
very still for half an
hour."
The
first Marine asked the second Marine, "If they were to drop a
bomb right
now, what would be the first thing you would
do?"
The second Marine said, "I would screw the first thing that moved.
What would you do?"
The first Marine replied, "I would stand
very still for half an
hour."
An old man approaches the window of a cinema with
a chicken on his shoulder, and asks for 2 tickets. The girl at the
counter wants to know who is going in with him. He replies, "Well,
my pet
chicken, of course!" "I'm sorry," The girl tells him. "We
can't
allow animals in the cinema." The man goes around the corner
and stuffs
the chicken into his trousers. He returns to the window,
buys his
ticket and goes in. Inside the cinema, the chicken starts
to get hot and
begins to squirm, so the man unzips his trousers so
the chicken can stick
it's head out and watch the film. Seated
next to him is a woman. She
looks over at his lap and is horrified.
She elbows her friend Agnes and
whispers, "Agnes, this man over here
has just unzipped his trousers!"
Agnes whispers back, "Oh, don't
worry about it...you've seen one,
you've seen them all." Madge
says, "I KNOW...but this one's eating my
POPCORN!!"
a chicken on his shoulder, and asks for 2 tickets. The girl at the
counter wants to know who is going in with him. He replies, "Well,
my pet
chicken, of course!" "I'm sorry," The girl tells him. "We
can't
allow animals in the cinema." The man goes around the corner
and stuffs
the chicken into his trousers. He returns to the window,
buys his
ticket and goes in. Inside the cinema, the chicken starts
to get hot and
begins to squirm, so the man unzips his trousers so
the chicken can stick
it's head out and watch the film. Seated
next to him is a woman. She
looks over at his lap and is horrified.
She elbows her friend Agnes and
whispers, "Agnes, this man over here
has just unzipped his trousers!"
Agnes whispers back, "Oh, don't
worry about it...you've seen one,
you've seen them all." Madge
says, "I KNOW...but this one's eating my
POPCORN!!"
Q: What did the dinosaur say when he saw
the volcano explode?
A: What a lavaly day!
the volcano explode?
A: What a lavaly day!
Q: Why doesn't the dinosaur cross the road
anymore?
A: Because their eggs stink. (They're extinct)
anymore?
A: Because their eggs stink. (They're extinct)
A husband and wife entered the
dentist's
office. The husband said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't want
gas
or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as
quickly as possible."
"You're a brave man," said the dentist.
"Now, show me which tooth
it is."
The husband turns to his
wife and says, "Open your mouth and show the
dentist which tooth it
is, dear."
dentist's
office. The husband said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't want
gas
or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as
quickly as possible."
"You're a brave man," said the dentist.
"Now, show me which tooth
it is."
The husband turns to his
wife and says, "Open your mouth and show the
dentist which tooth it
is, dear."
"I came in to
make an appointment with the
dentist." said the man to the receptionist.
"I'm sorry sir."
she replied. "He's out right now, but..."
"Thank you,"
interrupted the obviously nervous prospective patient.
"When will he be out
again ?"
make an appointment with the
dentist." said the man to the receptionist.
"I'm sorry sir."
she replied. "He's out right now, but..."
"Thank you,"
interrupted the obviously nervous prospective patient.
"When will he be out
again ?"
Dentist: I have to pull the aching tooth,
but don't worry it will take just five minutes.
Patient: And how
much will it cost?
Dentist: It's $90.00.
Patient: $90.00 for just
a few minutes work???
Dentist: I can extract it very slowly if you
like.
but don't worry it will take just five minutes.
Patient: And how
much will it cost?
Dentist: It's $90.00.
Patient: $90.00 for just
a few minutes work???
Dentist: I can extract it very slowly if you
like.
A patient came to
his dentist with problems
with his teeth.
Patient: Doctor, I have yellow teeth, what do I
do?
Dentist: Wear a brown tie!
his dentist with problems
with his teeth.
Patient: Doctor, I have yellow teeth, what do I
do?
Dentist: Wear a brown tie!
A dentist, after completing work on a patient,
came to him begging.
Dentist: Could you help me? Could you
give out a few of your loudest,
most painful
screams?
Patient: Why? Docor, it wasn't all that bad this time.
Dentist: There
are so many people in the waiting room right now, and I
don't want
to miss the four o'clock ball game.
came to him begging.
Dentist: Could you help me? Could you
give out a few of your loudest,
most painful
screams?
Patient: Why? Docor, it wasn't all that bad this time.
Dentist: There
are so many people in the waiting room right now, and I
don't want
to miss the four o'clock ball game.
What's the difference between a very
old, shaggy Yeti and a dead
bee?
One's a seedy beast and the
other's a deceased bee.
old, shaggy Yeti and a dead
bee?
One's a seedy beast and the
other's a deceased bee.
Sam was on his death bed, and his wife
and children were
gathered
around him. Suddenly the aroma of
chopped liver filled the room.
Sam perked up a bit and said to his
wife, "That's it, one last time
before I die I must have some of
your delicious chopped liver."
Sam's wife looked at him sadly and
said, "Sorry Sam, it's for
after."
and children were
gathered
around him. Suddenly the aroma of
chopped liver filled the room.
Sam perked up a bit and said to his
wife, "That's it, one last time
before I die I must have some of
your delicious chopped liver."
Sam's wife looked at him sadly and
said, "Sorry Sam, it's for
after."
A woman goes into a funeral home to make
arrangements
for her
husband's funeral. She tells the director
that she wants her husband
to be buried in a dark blue
suit.
He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black
suit
that he's wearing?"
But she insists that it must be a blue suit
and gives him a blank
check to buy one.
When she comes back
for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin
and he is wearing a
beautiful blue suit. She tells the director how
much she loves the
suit and asks how much it cost.
He says, "Actually, it didn't
cost anything. The funniest thing
happened. As soon as you left,
another corpse was brought in, this one
wearing a blue suit. I noticed
that they were about the same size, and
asked the other widow if she
would mind if her husband were buried in
a black suit. She said that
was fine with her. So... I switched the
heads."
arrangements
for her
husband's funeral. She tells the director
that she wants her husband
to be buried in a dark blue
suit.
He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black
suit
that he's wearing?"
But she insists that it must be a blue suit
and gives him a blank
check to buy one.
When she comes back
for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin
and he is wearing a
beautiful blue suit. She tells the director how
much she loves the
suit and asks how much it cost.
He says, "Actually, it didn't
cost anything. The funniest thing
happened. As soon as you left,
another corpse was brought in, this one
wearing a blue suit. I noticed
that they were about the same size, and
asked the other widow if she
would mind if her husband were buried in
a black suit. She said that
was fine with her. So... I switched the
heads."
A Packer fan was enjoying himself at
the game in a packed Lambeau Field,
until he noticed an empty seat
down in front. He went down and asked
the
guy next to it if he
knew whose seat it was. The guy said, "Yes,
that's
my wife's
seat. We have never missed a game since the Lombardi days,
but
now
my wife is dead." The fan offered his sympathy and said it was
really
too bad he couldn't find some relative to give the ticket to so
they
could
enjoy the game together... "Oh no," the guy said,
"they're all at
the funeral."
the game in a packed Lambeau Field,
until he noticed an empty seat
down in front. He went down and asked
the
guy next to it if he
knew whose seat it was. The guy said, "Yes,
that's
my wife's
seat. We have never missed a game since the Lombardi days,
but
now
my wife is dead." The fan offered his sympathy and said it was
really
too bad he couldn't find some relative to give the ticket to so
they
could
enjoy the game together... "Oh no," the guy said,
"they're all at
the funeral."
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