Jokes Collection

How do you get pikachu on to a boat? You

pokemon

Did you
hear about Mike Tyson's horse?
It
got angry and bit at the champ!

Did you find my horse well

behaved?
Indeed, whenever we came to a fence he let me over first!

As horses say to one another.
Any friend of
yours is a palomino!

A stallion and a mare where due to get married,
but the stallion
didn't show up at the church.
He got colt
feet

"Will I ever be able to race my horse again" the

owner asked the vet.
The vet replied, "You certainly will, and
you'll probably beat her
too!"

Three men died in a car accident and
met
Jesus himself at the Pearly Gates.

The Lord spoke unto
them saying, "I will ask you each a simple
question. If you tell the
truth I will allow you into heaven, but if you
lie....Hell is
waiting for you.

To the first man the Lord asked, "How many times
did you cheat on your
wife?" The first man replied, "Lord, I was a
good husband. I never
cheated on my wife." The Lord replied, "Very
good! Not only will I
allow you in, but for being faithful to your
wife I will give you a huge
mansion and a limo for your
transportation.

To the second man the Lord asked, "How many times did you
cheat on
your wife?" The second man replied, "Lord, I cheated on my
wife twice."
The Lord replied, "I will allow you to come in, but for
your
unfaithfulness, you will get a four- bedroom house and a BMW.


To the third man the Lord asked, "So, how many times did y
ou cheat on
your wife?" The third man replied, "Lord, I cheated on
my wife about
8 times." The Lord replied, "I will allow you to come
in, but for
your unfaithfulness, you will get a one-room apartment,
and a Yugo for
your transportation.

A couple hours later
the second and third men saw the first man crying
his eyes out. "Why
are you crying?" the two men asked. "You got the
mansion and limo!"
The first man replied, "I'm crying because I saw
my wife a little
while ago, and she was riding a skateboard!"

A forester and a lawyer were in car
accident and showed up at
the pearly gates together.

St. Peter
greets them at the pearly gates and takes them to the
homeswhere
they will spend all of eternity. They get into St. Peter's holy

vehicle and head on down a gold road, which turns into a platinum road,

which turns onto an even grander road paved with diamonds, to a huge

mansion where St. Peter turns to the lawyer and says, here is your
home
for the rest of eternity, enjoy! And if there is anything you
need, just
let me know.

Then St. Peter took the forester to
his home, back down the diamond
studded boulevard, down the
platinum highway, down the street of gold,
down an avenue of silver, along
a stone alley and down an unpaved footpath
to a shack. St Peter
says "Here you go" and goes to leave when the
forester says
"Waitaminute!, how come the lawyer gets the big mansion
and I get this s
hack?"

St. Peter says: "Well, Foresters are a dime a dozen
here, we have
never had a lawyer before."

Three men were standing in line to get
into heaven one day.
Apparently it had been a pretty busy day,
though, so Peter had to tell
the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty
close to full today, and I've
been asked to admit only people who
have had particularly horrible
deaths. So what's your story?"


So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife

has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch
her
red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could
tell
something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal
where this
other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to
the balcony, and
sure enough, there was this man hanging off the
railing, 25 floors
above ground! By now I was really mad, so I
started beating on him and
kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he
wouldn't fall off. So finally I
went back into my apartment and
got a hammer and starting hammering on
his fingers. Of course, he
couldn't stand that for long, so he let go
and fell -- but even
after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned
but okay. I
couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen,
grabbed the fridge
and threw it over the edge where it landed on him,
killing him
instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a
heart
attack and died there on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty
bad day to me," said Peter, and let the
man in.

The second
man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being
full, and
again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day. You
see, I live on the 26th floor of
my apartment building, and every
morning I do my exercises out on my
balcony. Well, this morning I
must have slipped or something, because I
fell over the edge. But I
got lucky, and caught the railing of the
balcony on the floor
below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when
suddenly
this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was

saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best

I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and

started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got
lucky
and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when
I was
thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes
falling out of
the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."


Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty

horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the
line, and again Peter explained
that heaven was full and asked for his
story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding inside
a
refrigerator..."

A new York Divorce Lawyer died
and
arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him "What have you

done to merit entrance into Heaven?" The Lawyer thought a moment, then

said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the

street." Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and

after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.

Saint
Peter said, "Well , that's fine, but it's not really quite
enough
to get you into Heaven." The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's

more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter." Saint

Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this,

too, had been verified.

Saint Peter then whispered to
Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we
do with this fellow?"


Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,


"Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."


Each man gives a story
Three men were standing in line to
get into heaven one day. Apparently
it had been a pretty busy day,
though, so Peter had to tell the first
one, "Heaven's getting
pretty close to full today, and I've been
asked to admit only people
who have had particularly horrible deaths. So
what's your story?"


So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my
wife
has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to
catch her
red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I
could tell
something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't
reveal where this
other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went
out to the balcony, and
sure enough, there was this man hanging off
the railing, 25 floors
above ground! By now I was really mad, so I
started beating on him and
kicking him, but wouldn't you know it,
he wouldn't fall off. So finally I
went back into my apartment
and got a hammer and starting hammering on
his fingers. Of
course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go
and fell -- but
even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned
but okay. I
couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen,
grabbed the
fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him,
killing
him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a

heart attack and died there on the balcony."

"That sounds like a
pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the
man in.

The
second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being

full, and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange
day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of
my apartment building, and
every morning I do my exercises out on my
balcony. Well, this
morning I must have slipped or something, because I
fell over the edge.
But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the
balcony on the f
loor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when

suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was

saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best

I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and

started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got
lucky
and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just
when I was
thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes
falling out of
the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm
here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a
pretty
horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the
line, and again Peter explained
that heaven was full and asked for
his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding
inside a
refrigerator..."

A man dies and goes to Heaven. He gets

to meet GOD and asks GOD if he can ask him a few
questions.

"Sure," GOD says, "Go right ahead".

"OK," the man says. "Why
did you make women so pretty?"

GOD says, "So you would like them."


"OK," the guy says. "But how come you made them so beautiful?"


"So you would LOVE them", GOD replies.

The man ponders
a moment and then asks, "But why did you make them
such airheads?"


GOD says, "So they would love you!"

Teacher: "What did the Indians
bring to the
first Thanksgiving?"
Student: "Baseballs."
Teacher:
"Baseballs?"
Student: "Yeah, they were Cleveland Indians!"

"You know an ancestor of mine came over on the

Mayflower." "Really? Which rat was he?"

What did General
Patton do on Thanksgiving?

He gave tanks.

"What did George Washington, Abraham Lincoln,
and Christopher Columbus all
have in common? They were all born on
holidays."

Woman: Why are you begging for a
quarter?
Beggar: I didn't think someone like you would give me a
dollar.

two mates at a pub having a beer when the bald one

starts complaining about being bald. the other guy says to have a

transplant operation.the bald guy says he cant afford it.so his mate
says to
go and have some rabbits tattooed on his head. The bald guy
says how
will that help? His mate says well from a distance they
will look like
hares.(hairs)

A little girl climbed
into her
grandfather's lap and studied his white, balding head. She
ran her
fingers along the deep wrinkles and road mapped his face and
neck.


"Did god make you?", she asked.

"yes" he answered.


"did god makeme, to?" she wondered.

"yes", he replied.


"well, she shrugged, "don't you think he's doing a better job now

than he used to?"

A man was getting a haircut prior to a
trip to Rome. He
mentioned the trip to the barber who responded,
"Rome? Why would anyone want
to go there?

It's crowded & dirty
and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to
Rome.

So, how
are you getting there?"

"We're taking TWA," was the reply. "We
got a great rate!"

"TWA?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a
terrible airline. Their
planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly,
and they're always late.

So, where are you staying in
Rome?"

"We'll be at the downtown International Marriott."

"That
dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small,
the
service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when

you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope
to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a
million other people
trying to see him. He'll look the size
of an ant. Boy, good luck on
this lousy trip of yours. You're
going to need it."

A month later, the man again came in for his
regular haircut. The
barber asked him about his trip to
Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the man, "not only were we on time in

one of TWA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped

us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a

beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and
foot.

And the hotel-it was great! They'd just finished a $25 million

remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too,
were
overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential
suite at no
extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the barber, "I
know you didn't get to see the
pope."

"Actually, we were quite
lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss
Guard tapped me on the
shoulder and explained that the pope likes to
personally me
et some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step
into
his private room and wait the pope would personally greet me. Sure

enough, five minutes later the pope walked through the door and shook

my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me."

"Really?"
asked the Barber. "What'd he say?"

He said, "Where'd you get
the lousy haircut?

A man and a little boy entered a
barbershop
together. After the man received the full treatment - shave,
shampoo,
manicure, haircut, etc. - he placed the boy in the
chair.

"I'm goin' to buy a green tie to wear for the parade," he said.

"I'll be back in a few minutes."

When the boy's haircut was
completed and the man still hadn't
returned, the barber said,
"Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about
you." "That wasn't my
daddy," said the boy. "He just walked up, took
me by the hand and
said, 'Come on, son, we're gonna get a free
haircut!'"