Jokes Collection

Knock Knock
Who's there !
Aardvark
!
Aardvark who ?
Aardvark a million miles for one of your smiles
!

What do you get if you cross King Kong with

a giant frog?
A monster that climbs up the Empire State Building
and catches
aeroplanes with its tongue.

What happened when King Kong swallowed Big

Ben?
He found time-consuming.

What do you do if King Kong sits in
front
of you at the cinema?
Miss most of the film!

Why did King Kong join the army?
To learn
about gorilla warfare.

After being away on business, Tim thought it

would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.

"How about
some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk.

She showed him a
bottle costing $50.00.

"That's a bit much," said Tim, so she
returned with a smaller bottle
for $30.00.

"That's still quite a
bit," Tim complained.

Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a
tiny $15.00 bottle.

"What I mean," said Tim, "is I'd like to see
something really
cheap."

The clerk handed him a mirror.

The Judge admonished the witness, "Do you

understand that you have sworn to tell the truth?"
"I do."
"Do you
understand what will happen if you are not truthful?"
"Sure," said
the witness. "My side will win."

A red-faced judge convened court
after a long
lunch. The first case involved a man charged with drunk
driving who
claimed it simply wasn't true.

"I'm as sober as you are, your
honor," the man claimed.

The judge replied, "Clerk, please
enter a guilty plea. The defendant
is sentenced to 30 days."

Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced
the opposing lawyers.
"So," he said, "I have been presented, by
both of you, with a
bribe." Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably. "You,
attorney Leon, gave me
$15,000. And you, attorney Campos, gave me
$10,000."

The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a
check. He handed it
to Leon ... "Now then, I'm returning $5,000, and
we're going to
decide this case solely on its merits."

The defendant
stood up in the dock and said
to the judge, "I dont recognize this
court!"
"Why?" asked the
Judge.
"Because you've had it decorated since the last time I was

here."

The cross eyed judge looked at the three

defendants in the dock and said to the first one, "So how do you
plead?"
"Not guilty" said the second defendant.
"I wasn't talking to you"
the judge replied.
"I never said a word" the third defendant
replied.

When a visitor to a small town in Georgia
came upon a wild dog
attacking a young boy, he quickly grabbed the
animal and throttled it with
his two hands.

A reporter saw the
incident, congratulated the man and told him the
headline the
following day would read, "Valiant Local Man Saves Child by
Killing
Vicious Animal."

The hero told the journalist that he wasn't from
that town.

"Well, then," the reporter said, "the headline will
probably say,
'Georgia Man Saves Child by Killing
Dog'."

"Actually," the man said, "I'm from Connecticut."

"In that case,"
the reporter said in a huff, "the headline should
read, 'Yankee
Kills Family Pet'."

A cub reporter for
a small town
newspaper was sent out on his first assignment. He
submitted the following
report to his editor. "Mrs. Smith was injured in a
car accident
today. She is recovering in County Hospital with lacerations
on her
breasts."

The Editor scolded the new reporter, "This is a family
paper. We
don't use words like breasts around here. Now go back and
write something
more appropiate!"

The young reporter thought
long and hard. Finally he handed the Editor
the following report.
"Mrs. Smith was injured in a car accident today.
She is recovering
in County Hospital with lacerations on her ( . )( . )
"

Three men: an editor, a photographer, and a
journalist are
covering a political convention in Miami. They
decide to walk up and down
the beach during their lunch hour. Halfway up
the beach, they stumbled
upon a lamp. As they rub the lamp a genie
appears and says "Normally I
would grant you three wishes, but
since there are three of you, I will
grant you each one
wish."

The photographer went first. "I would like to spend the rest of my

life living in a huge house in St. Thomas with no money worries." The

genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to St.
Thomas.

The journalist went next. "I would like to spend the rest of my life

living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean with no money

worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to the

Mediterranean.

Last, but not least, it was the editor's turn. "And
what would your
wish be?" asked the genie.

"I want the
m both back after lunch" replied the editor, "the
deadline for
tomorrow's newspaper is in about ten hours.

A photographer for a national
magazine
was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at
the
scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called
his
home office to hire a plane.
"It will be waiting for you at the
airport!" he was assured by his
editor. As soon as he got to the small,
rural airport, sure enough, a
plane was warming up near the runway.
He jumped in with his equipment and
yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!"
The pilot swung the plane into the
wind and soon they were in the
air.

"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the
photographer, "and
make three or four low level passes."
"Why?" asked the
pilot.
"Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and

photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great
exasperation.
After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not
the
instructor?"

A car was involved in an accident in a

street. As expected a large crowd gathered. A newspaper reporter,
anxious to
get his story could not get near the car.

Being a
clever sort, he started shouting loudly, "Let me through! Let
me
through! I am the son of the victim."

The crowd made way for
him.

Lying in front of the car was a donkey.

Do you want some help using the Internet,
son?
No thanks, Dad, I can muck it up all by myself.

Can you show me how to
use the
Internet?
I'd better - otherwise you'll just go round and round in

circles.

What's O. J. Simpson's Internet
address?


Slash, slash, backslash, slash, slash, escape.

Q: How many internet mail list subscribers
does it take
to change a light bulb?
A: Exactly five
hundred.

1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail list that the
light
bulb has been changed.

7 to share similar experiences of
changing light bulbs and how the
light bulb could have been changed
differently or to caution about the
dangers of changing light
bulbs.

17 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about
changing light
bulbs.

21 to flame the spell checkers.

49 to
write to the list administrator complaining about the light bulb

discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list.

20 to
correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames.

32 to post that
this list is not about light bulbs and to please take
this email
exchange to alt.lite.bulb.

69 to demand that cross posting to
alt.grammar, alt.spelling and
alt.punctuation about changing light bul
bs be stopped.

41 to defend the posting to this list saying
that we all use light
bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to
this mail list.

106 to debate which method of changing light bulbs
is superior, where
to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light
bulbs work best for
this technique, and what brands are
faulty.

12 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light
bulbs.

8 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post
corrected
URLs.

2 to post about links they found from the
URLs that are relevant to
this list which makes light bulbs relevant
to this list.

15 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote
them including all
headers and footers, and then add pointedly, "Me
Too."

6 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because
they cannot
handle the light bulb controversy.

9 to quote the
"Me Too's" and happily add, "Me Three!"

3 to suggest that
posters request the light bulb FAQ.

1 to propose new
alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup.

24 to say this is just what
alt.physic.cold_fusion was meant for, leave
it here.

53 votes for
alt.lite.bulb.