Jokes Collection

What kind of doctor fixes broken
websites?

A URLologist.

What do bees do if they want to use public

transport ?
Wait at a buzz stop !

Where would you put an injured insect ?
In an
antbulance !

What does a queen bee do when she burps
?
Issues a royal pardon !

What is a bee's favourite classical music

composer ?
Bee-thoven !

What goes hum-choo, hum choo?
A bee with a
cold !

She's so stupid she thinks a shoplifter
is a very strong person who goes
round picking up shops.

Did you hear
about the hillbilly who
went into the hardware store to
buy a chain saw ?
He said I want
one that will cut down at least 10 trees a day.
He was back at the
hardware store with the saw a couple days later
complaining that it
only
cut one tree and that took all day.
The clerk at the hardware
store started the saw to see what the
problem was.
The hillbilly
jumped back and said what the hell is that
noise?

I saw a pen in a
store the other
day. I picked it up and took a look at it
cause it was prettier than
most.
The clerk said, "It's made in Germany".
I said, "That's too
bad, I can't use it then".
The clerk said, "What's the matter? You
don't like German pens?"
I said, "No. I just never learned to write
German."

Two men were digging a ditch on a very
hot
day. One said to the other, "Why are we down in this hole
digging a
ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a
tree?" "I
don't know," responded the other. "I'll ask him."

So
he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. "Why are we

digging in the hot sun and you're standing in the shade?" "Intelligence,"

the boss said. "What do you mean, intelligence'?"

The boss
said, "Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree
and I
want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can." The ditch

digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss' hand. The boss

removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree. The boss said,

"That's intelligence!"

The ditch digger went back to his hole.
His friend asked, "What did he
say?" "He said we are down here
because of intelligence." "What's
intelligence?" said the friend. T
he ditch digger put his hand on his
face and said, "Take your
shovel and hit my hand."

Two Canadian guys, Mike and Rob were on

the roof, laying tile, when a sudden gust of wind came and knocked
down
their ladder.
"I have an idea," said Mike. "We'll throw
you down, and then you
can pick up the ladder."

"What, do
you think I'm stupid? I have an idea. I'll shine my
flashlight, and
you can climb down on the beam of light."

"What, do you think
I'm stupid? You'll just turn off the flashlight
when I'm halfway
there."

Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in
the
cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a
huge bear,
shot at it but only wounded it.

The enraged bear
charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started
running for the
cabin as fast as he could. He ran pretty fast but the
bear was just
a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as
he
reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat.

Too close
behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling
into the
cabin.

The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his
friend
inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another!"

A hunter visited another hunter
and was
given a tour of his home. Ibn the den was a stuffed lion. The
visiting
hunter asked, "when did you bag him?"

The host said, "that was
three years ago, when I went hunting with my
wife."


"What's he stuffed with," asked the visiting hunter.

"My wife."

Two hunters
got a pilot to fly them into
the far north for elk hunting. They were
quite successful in their
venture and bagged six big bucks. The pilot
came back, as arranged,
to pick them up. They started loading their gear
into the plane,
including the six elk. But the pilot objected and he
said, "The plane
can only take four of your elk; you will have to leave
two behind."
They argued with him; the year before they had shot six
and the
pilot had allowed them to put all aboard. The plane was the same
model
and capacity. Reluctantly, the pilot finally permitted them to
put
all six aboard. But when the attempted to take off and leave the

valley, the little plane could not make it and they crashed into the

wilderness.

Climbing out of the wreckage, one hunter said to
the other, "Do you
know where we are?"

"I think so," replied
the other hunter. I think this is about the
same place where
we landed last year!"

Two guys
are out hunting deer. The first
guy says, "Did you see that?"

"No," the second guy
says.

"Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead," the first guy says.

"Oh,"
says the second guy.

A couple of minutes later, The first guy
says, "Did you see that?"

"See what?" the second guy
asks.

"Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill, over

there."

"Oh."

A few minutes later the first guy says:
"Did you see that?"

By now, the second guy is getting
aggravated, so he says, "Yes, I
did!"

And the first guy says: "Then
why did you step in it?"

An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new

bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually
walk
on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure
none of
his friends would ever believe him.

He decided to
try to break the news to a friend of his, the eternal
pessimist who
refused to be impressed with anything. This, surely, would
impress
him. He invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.

As they
waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and
a duck
fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog,

however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the

bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day
long;
each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the
water
to retrieve it.

The pessimist watched carefully, saw
everything, but did not say a
single word.

On the drive
home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice
anything unusual
about my new dog?"

"I sure did," responded the pessimist. "He
can't swim."

Big Louie the
Torpedo was becoming
increasingly curious about one of the newer members of
his mob, Benny the
Rod. Benny had been in the business for many years in
another part of
the country. During that time he had garnered quite a
reputation
for being the most conscientious and honorable hit man
available. He
was also considered quite eccentric, perhaps odd, in that for
the
last ten years or so he always kept one hand in his pocket -

clutching his cold steel weapon in readiness (hence the nickname, Benny the

Rod).

When Benny arrived at Louie's office, the question was
put to him.

"So what's the story with you and this here gun of
yours, eh? Like,
are you scared or somethin' or you just want to
always be ready or
what?"

"Not scared ..." Benny growled,
"been doin' it dis way ever since
me sister-in-law's weddin' 'bout
ten ten years ago now".

"Oh yeah? ... so ...?"

"Wel
l, I used ta know her fiance at da time - a no good chisler. He

never even loved the goil so much ... but he made her happy and so I kept

me mouth shut about it", Benny explained.

Louie leaned in,
expecting the point of the matter.

"And since dat time I gotta do
it dis way".

"But WHY?!", Louie finally demanded?

"Well,
I was at da wedding", grumbled Benny, and I wasn't about to
say
nuttin' about it then, so now I gotta do like da preacher said
...

"Speak Now or Forever Hold Your Piece!"

Sherlock Holmes
and Matthew Watson were on a
camping and hiking trip. They had gone to
bed and were lying there
looking up at the sky. Holmes said, "Watson,
look up. What do you
see?

"Well, I see thousands of stars."

"And what does
that mean to you?"

"Well, I guess it means we will have another
nice day tomorrow. What
does it mean to you, Holmes?"

"To
me, it means someone has stolen our tent."

There
was a guy walking down the street in
San Francisco, and he tripped over
an old looking oil lamp.


He picked it up and hid it under his jacket, because he thought it was

priceless.

While he was running to the antique shop to cash
this puppy in, it
rubbed against his shirt.

POOF! A genie
popped out of his pocket!

The very angry looking Genie said, "All
right, I have had enough with
this three wish stuff, and 'cuz you
stole me away from my HBO Special,
I will only give you one wish!"


The surprised man said, "OK, I want to live in Hawaii in a huge
condo
on the beach with three million dollars in the master
bedroom, but I am
afraid of boats and planes so I want you to build a
bridge from here to
Hawaii."

The genie replied with a smirk,
"Are you crazy? Do you know how long
that will take, with the pillars
going down to the bottom of the ocean,
all the cement it wou
ld take for the highway? No I'm sorry, it just
can't happen."


The man said, "Fine then, I want to understand women."


The genie said, " Would you like two lanes or four?

Well, a man was driving down a country road, and
he decided to get out
and get some fresh air.

He got out,
and started walking in a meadow. As he walked, he came upon
a hole.
Wanting to see how deep it was, he threw a pebble down. No
sound.
So he threw a medium-sized rock down. No sound.

The man started
to get frustrated, so he threw a boulder down. No
sound. As he
searched about, he spotted a railroad beam. He hauled it over
to the
hole, and shoved it in. No sound.

He sat down on the ground,
exhausted. Suddenly, he saw a goat running
at him, full speed. He
leaped up, and it brushed past him, and fell in
the hole. He listened,
but there was no sound.

He sat down again. A few minutes later,
a farmer came walking up. The
man asked him, "How deep is this
hole?" The farmer said, "Oh. Thats
the bottomless pit. It never ends.
Say, have you seen my prize goat?"

The man, not wanting to g
et the blame, said, "No." The farmer said,
"Oh well. He can't get
far. He was tied to a railroad beam."