Jokes Collection

It's
not true that married men live
longer than single men. It only seems
longer.

Four
married guys go golfing on Sunday.
During the 3rd hole the following
conversation ensued:

First
Guy: "Man, you have no idea what I had to do to be able to come
out
golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint

every room in the house next weekend."

Second Guy: "That's
nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will
build her a new deck for
the pool."

Third Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to
promise my wife that
I will remodel the kitchen for her."

They
continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy

has not said a word. So they ask him. "You haven't said anything about

what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's
the
deal?"

Fourth Guy: "I don't want to talk about it.
Let's just say that the
foundation for the new house is being poured
next Tuesday."

A
married couple was in a terrible
accident where the woman's face was
severely burned.

The doctor
told the husband that they couldn't graft the skin from her
body,
so the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However,
the only skin on his body that the doctor found suitable would
have
to come from his rear end.

The husband and wife agreed that
they would tell no one about where the
skin came from, and requested
that the doctor also honor their secret.
After all, this was a very
delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was
astounded at the woman's
new beauty. She looked more beautiful
than she ever had before! All her
friends and relatives just went on
and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with
her husband, and she was overcome with
emotion at his sacrifice.


She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you d
id for
me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My
darling," he replied," think nothing of it. I get all the thanks
I
need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

A guy gets home early from work and hears

strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his
wife
naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

'What's up?'
he says.

'I'm having a heart attack,' cries the
woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialling.
his
four-year-old son comes up and says,
`Daddy! Daddy! Uncle
Ted's hiding in your wardrobe and he's got no
clothes
on!'

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past

his screaming wife and rips open the wardrobe door.

Sure
enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the
wardrobe
floor.

'You jerk,' yells the husband, 'my wife's having a
heart attack and
you're running around with no clothes on scaring
the kids!'

A guy named Joe finds
himself in dire
trouble. His business
started going bust and he found himself in serious
financial
trouble. He was so desperate that he decided to pray
for
help.

"Oh Lord, please help me, I've lost my business and if
I
don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as
well,
please let me win the lotto".

Lotto night arrived and somebody else
won the prize.

Joe again looked up and prayed...

"Oh Lord,
please let me win the lotto! I've lost my
business, my house and
I'm going to lose my car as well".

Again, Lotto night came and
went and Joe still had no luck.

Once again, he prayed...


"Oh, Lord, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business,
my house
and my car. My wife and children are starving. I
don't often ask
you for help and I have always been a good
servant to you. Please just
let me win the lotto this one
time so I can get my life back
in order ... "

Suddenly there was a blinding flash of light as
the heavens
opened and Joe was confronted by the voice of the
Lord
himself:

"Joe, Meet Me Half Way On This One. Buy A
Ticket!"

One day, the wife comes home with a spectacular

diamond ring.

"Where did you get that ring?" her husband
asks.

"Well, she replies, "my boss and I played the lotto and we
won, so I
bought it with my share of the winnings.

A week
later, his wife comes home with a long shiny fur coat.

"Where did
you get that coat?" her husband asks.

She replies "My boss and
played the lotto and we won again, so I
bought it with my share of
the winnings.

Another week later, his wife comes home, driving
in a red Ferrari.

"Where did you get that car?" her husband
asks. Again she repeats the
same story about the lotto and her share
of the winnings.

That night, his wife asks him to pour her a
nice warm bath while she
gets undressed. When she enters the bathroom,
she find that there is
barely enough water in the bath to cover the
plug at the far end.

"And this?" she asks her husband. "
Well," he replies, "we don't
want to get your lotto ticket wet,
do we?!"

Have you ever seen a duchess?
Yes - it's
the same as an English "s"

Why is the letter "t" so important to a stick
insect?
Without it would be a sick insect.

Which two letters are
rotten for your teeth?

D K

Are you writing a thank you letter to Grandma

like I told you to? Yes Mom. Your handwriting seems very large. Well,

Grandma's very deaf, so I'm writing very loudly.

Crazy Aunt Maud received a letter one morning,

and upon reading it burst into floods of tears.
"What's the
matter?" asked her companion.
"Oh dear," sobbed Auntie, "It's my
favorite nephew. He's got three
feet."
"Three feet?" exclaimed her
friend.
"Surely that's not possible?"
"Well," said Auntie,
"his mother's just written to tell me he's
grown another foot !"

The bartender asks him
"What'll you have?".
The guy answers,
"A scotch, please". The bartender hands him the
drink, and
says "That'll be five dollars", to which he replies "What
are
you talking about? I don't owe you anything for
this".

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation,
then
says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In
the original
offer, which consitutes a binding contract upon
acceptance, there
was no stipulation of remuneration". The
bartender's not impressed,
but says to the guy, "Okay, you
beat me for a drink. But don't
ever let me catch you in here
again".

The next day, same guy
walks into the bar. Bartender says,
"What the hell are you doing in
here? I can't believe you've
got the audacity to come back!".


The guy says "What are you talking about? I've never been in

this place in my life", to which the bartender replies "I'm

nvery sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."

To
which the guy replies "Thank you! Make it a scotch."

If two lawyers were drowning,
and you could
only save one of
them, would you read the paper or go to lunch?

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad
in a
lawsuit filed
by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull
was missing from
the section through which the railroad passed. The
rancher only
wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.


The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the
peace
in the back room of the general store. The city-slicker
attorney
for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and
tried to get
him to settle out of court.

He did his best selling job, and
finally the rancher agreed to
take half of what he was asking.


After the rancher had signed the release and took the check,
the
young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his
success,
telling the rancher, "You are really a country hick, old
man, but I
put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the
case. The
engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the
caboose when the t
rain went through your ranch that morning. I
didn't have one
witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"

The old rancher
replied, "Well, I'll tell you young feller, I was a
little worried about
winning that case myself, because that
durned bull came home this
morning."

A defendant was
on trial for murder. There
was very strong evidence indicating guilt,
but no corpse had been
found. In the defense's closing statement the
lawyer, knowing that
his client would probably be convicted, decided to
try a trick.


"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,"

the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the

person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom!"


He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat
stunned, all
looked, eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.


Finally, the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement.

But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put it to you
that
there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone
was killed
and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."


With that, the jury retired to deliberate. But after only a few

minutes, they came back and pronounced a verdict of guilty.


"But how?" the lawyer asked. "You must have had some doubt. I saw

all of you stare at the door."

"Oh, yes," the jury foreman
replied. "We all looked - but your
client didn't!"

A lawyer with insomnia consulted her doctor.

"Which side is it best to lie on?" she asked.
"The side that pays
your fee," replied the doctor.

Knock Knock
Who's there !
Abe
!
Abe who ?
Abe C D E F G H... !

Knock Knock
Who's there !
Abbey
!
Abbey who ?
Abbey stung me on the nose !

Knock Knock
Who's there !
Abba
!
Abba who ?
Abba'out turn !
Quick march!

Knock Knock
Who's there !
Aaron
!
Aaron who !
Aaron the barber's floor !