Jokes Collection

What do you get if you
cross a sorceress with
a millionaire?
A very witch person.

A couple was having a discussion about what

to see and do now that they were safely in Florida on their honeymoon.

Trying to assert himself rite off the bat, he exploded, "If it

weren't for my money, we wouldn't be here at all!" The wife replied,
"My
dear, if it weren't for your money, not only would we not be in

Florida, we wouldn't on a honeymoon, nor would
there be any
"we" in the first place."

A little boy
wanted $100 badly and prayed for
two weeks but nothing happened. Then he
decided to write a letter
to the Lord requesting the $100.

When the postal authorities
received the letter addressed to the Lord,
USA, they decided to send it
to President Clinton. The President was so
impressed, touched, and
amused that he instructed his secretary to send
the little boy a
$5.00 bill, as this would appear to be a lot of money
to a little
boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00, and sat down to
write a
thank-you note to the Lord. It said:


Dear
Lord,
Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that

for some reason you had to send it through Washington, DC and as
usual,
those jerks deducted $95.

A man being mugged by two thugs put up a

tremendous fight! Finally, the thugs subdued him and took his wallet. Upon

finding only two dollars in the wallet, the surprised thug said
"Why did
you put up such a fight?" To which the man promptly replied
"I was
afraid that you would find the $200 hidden in my shoe!"

There was this General-in-training,
and his superioirs
were asking him questions "What happened on June 6,
1944?" "We
stormed the beach at Normandy, which later became known as
D-Day, sir!"
"What was the turining point of wordl war 2?" "Battle
of the bulge,
sir!" "What's is the importance of May 12" The Man
thought and
thought "I don't know, sir!" The superior then said
"Well, I'll tell
your wife that you forgot her birhtday"

During an army basic training, the lieutenant
took the
batch on a match and asked each of them where home was.
After everyone had
answered, he sneered and said "you are all wrong,
the army is now your
home".
Back at the barracks, he read the
evening duties, then asked the first
sergeant if he had anything to
say "you bet I do" the sergeant
replied, "men, while you were gone
today, I found beds improperly made,
clothes not hanging correctly,
shoes not shined and footlockers a mess.
Where do you think you
are? Home?

A retired sergeant was asked: "Well, how do
you like
civilian life?"
"Terrible," he said gruffly, "all those
people around and nobody in
charge!"

General Heath, a famous lover of
parade
music and marching drill ceremonies, once listened to a
symphonic
orchestra playing.
When asked about his impressions, he
commented:
"No military precision in drill..."
"Why?"
"Did you see those
violin players? They were moving their bows not in
cadence."

Coach Bobby Ross had put together the perfect

Lions team. The only thing he was missing was a good quarterback.
He had
scouted all the colleges, and even the high schools, but he
couldn't
find a ringer quarterback who could ensure a Super Bowl
win.

Then one night, while watching CNN, he saw a war-zone scene
in Bosnia.
In one corner of the background, he spotted a young
Bosnian soldier
with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade
straight into a
15th-story window 200 yards away -- ka- boom! He
threw another hand
grenade into a group of 10 soldiers 100 yards away
-- ka-blooey! Then a
car passed, going 90 mph -- bulls-eye!


"I've got to get this guy!" Ross said to himself. "He has the

perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the
great game of
football, and the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl
for the first time in
history.

The young Bosnian is lioni
zed as the Great Hero of football, and when
Ross asks him what he
wants, all the young man wants to do is to call
his mother.


"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl."

"I
don't want to talk to you," the old woman says. "You deserted
us.
You are not my son."

"I don't think you understand, Mother!"
the young man pleads. "I
just won the greatest sporting event in the
world. I'm here among
thousands of my adoring fans."

"No,
let me tell you," the mother retorts. "At this very moment,
there
are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble.

Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week,

and this week your sister was raped in broad daylight."

The
old lady pauses, and then tearfully says "...I'll never forgive
you
for making us move to Detroit."

What is the difference between a
psychiatrist and a psychologist?
If you say to a psychiatrist "I hate my
mother," he will ask "Why do
you say that?" while a psychologist will
say "Thank you for sharing
that with us."

A psychologist is at
a party talking
with a small group of people, when a man comes up
behind him and
taps him on the shoulder. The psychologist turns around and
the man
hauls off and decks him. The psychologist gets up, brushes
himself
off, turns to the group and declares: "That's his
problem."

A young woman
took her troubles to a
psychiatrist. "Doctor, you must help me," she
pleaded. "It's
gotten so that every time I date a nice guy, I end up in
bed with him.
And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a

week."

"I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to

strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter."

"For
God's sake, NO!" exclaimed the woman. "I want you to fix it so
I won't
feel guilty and depressed afterward."

A
psychiatrist was conducting a group
therapy session with four young
mothers and their small children.
"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother he
said, "You are obsessed with eating. You even
named your daughter
Candy."

He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money.
Again, it
manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He
turned to the third mom. "Your obsession is alcohol and your
child's
name is Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother got up, took
her little boy by the
hand and whispered, "Come on sweety, let's go
home."

Psychiatrist to Internal Revenue agent on

couch: "Nonsense! No way does everyone in the world hate you --

everyone in the US perhaps, but certainly not everyone in the
world."

Men are like government bonds.

They take so
long to mature.

Men are like bike
helmets.

They are
handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look
silly.

Men are like
mascara.

They usually run
at the first sign of emotion.

Men are
like placemats.

They only show
up when there's food on the table.

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is

a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking
her
out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.


Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its
socket
towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of
the air,
and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the
woman says as she pops her eye back in
place. "Let me buy you dessert
to make it up to you."

They enjoy a wonderful dessert together,
and afterwards, the woman
invites him to the theater followed by
drinks. After paying for everything,
she asks him if he would like to
come to her place and stay for
breakfast the next morning.


The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The

guy is amazed! Everything has been incredible! "You know," he said,

"you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy
you meet?"

"No," she replies, "you just happened to catch my
eye."

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her
first name was
Always.