Jokes Collection
Enjoy our collection of over 100,000 jokes. Find humor for every occasion and share laughs with friends and family.
Featured Joke
... and legend says that one who says something whilst jumping over the river will turn into it .
The first runs and jumps and yells, "Eagle". He turns into an Eagle and flies away.
The second man runs and says, "Fish". He turns into a fish, falls into the water, and swims away.
The third runs, but trips and screams, "Oh, shit!"
The first runs and jumps and yells, "Eagle". He turns into an Eagle and flies away.
The second man runs and says, "Fish". He turns into a fish, falls into the water, and swims away.
The third runs, but trips and screams, "Oh, shit!"
Latest Jokes
Democrats let
their kids open all the
gifts on Christmas Eve.
Republicans make their kids wait until
Christmas morning.
their kids open all the
gifts on Christmas Eve.
Republicans make their kids wait until
Christmas morning.
Democrats get back at the Republicans on
their Christmas list by
giving them fruitcakes.
Republicans re-wrap
them and send them to in-laws.
their Christmas list by
giving them fruitcakes.
Republicans re-wrap
them and send them to in-laws.
Republicans help the poor during
the
holidays by sending 50, one buck at a time, to panhandlers on the
street.
the
holidays by sending 50, one buck at a time, to panhandlers on the
street.
All our pigs are learning karate.
Oh, I don't
believe that
No? Well, just watch out for their chops.
Oh, I don't
believe that
No? Well, just watch out for their chops.
A city child came running into the farmhouse. "No
wonder
that mama pig is so big," she yelled.
"There's a bunch
of little pigs out there blowing her up!"
wonder
that mama pig is so big," she yelled.
"There's a bunch
of little pigs out there blowing her up!"
The man passed out in a dead faint as he came
out of
his front door onto the porch.
Someone dialed 911.
When the paramedics arrived, they helped him regain consciousness
and
asked if he knew what caused him to faint.
"It was
enough to make anybody faint," he said. "My son asked me for
the keys
to the garage, and instead of driving the car out, he came out
with
the lawn mower."
out of
his front door onto the porch.
Someone dialed 911.
When the paramedics arrived, they helped him regain consciousness
and
asked if he knew what caused him to faint.
"It was
enough to make anybody faint," he said. "My son asked me for
the keys
to the garage, and instead of driving the car out, he came out
with
the lawn mower."
A man
and his wife were making their first
doctor visit, the wife being
pregnant with their first
child.
After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and
stamped
the wife's stomach with indelible ink.
The couple was
curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got
home, the
husband got out his magnifying glass to try to see what it
was.
In very tiny letters, the stamp said, "When you can read this, come
back and see me."
and his wife were making their first
doctor visit, the wife being
pregnant with their first
child.
After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and
stamped
the wife's stomach with indelible ink.
The couple was
curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got
home, the
husband got out his magnifying glass to try to see what it
was.
In very tiny letters, the stamp said, "When you can read this, come
back and see me."
A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My
wife is pregnant, and
her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you
idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her *husband*!"
wife is pregnant, and
her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you
idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her *husband*!"
With four
daughters and one son always
dashing to school activities and part-time
jobs, our schedule was
hectic.
To add to this, we kept running out of household
supplies.
I instructed them all to let me know when they used the last of any
item by writing it down on a note pad on the
refrigerator.
As a reminder, I wrote at the top: "IF WE ARE OUT OF IT, WRITE IT
DOWN."
When I checked the pad a few days later, to my delight I
found the
following message:
"MOM, YOU MAY BE A BIT
OLD-FASHIONED, BUT YOU ARE NOT 'OUT OF
IT."'
daughters and one son always
dashing to school activities and part-time
jobs, our schedule was
hectic.
To add to this, we kept running out of household
supplies.
I instructed them all to let me know when they used the last of any
item by writing it down on a note pad on the
refrigerator.
As a reminder, I wrote at the top: "IF WE ARE OUT OF IT, WRITE IT
DOWN."
When I checked the pad a few days later, to my delight I
found the
following message:
"MOM, YOU MAY BE A BIT
OLD-FASHIONED, BUT YOU ARE NOT 'OUT OF
IT."'
Murphy said to his daughter, "I want you home by
eleven o'clock."
She said, "But Father, I'm no longer a
child!"
He said, "I know, that's why I want you home by
eleven."
eleven o'clock."
She said, "But Father, I'm no longer a
child!"
He said, "I know, that's why I want you home by
eleven."
For the first time in many
years, a an old
man traveled from his rural town to the city to attend a
movie.
After buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession stand to
purchase some popcorn.
Handing the attendant $1.50, he couldn't help
but comment, "The last
time I came to the movies, popcorn was only
15 cents."
"Well, sir," the attendant replied with a grin,
"You're really
going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now.."
years, a an old
man traveled from his rural town to the city to attend a
movie.
After buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession stand to
purchase some popcorn.
Handing the attendant $1.50, he couldn't help
but comment, "The last
time I came to the movies, popcorn was only
15 cents."
"Well, sir," the attendant replied with a grin,
"You're really
going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now.."
An old
man visits his doctor and after
thorough examination the doctor tells
him: "I have good news and bad
news, what would you like to hear
first?"
Patient: "Well, give
me the bad news first."
Doctor: "You have cancer, I estimate
that you have about two years
left."
Patient: "OH NO! That's
awefull! In two years my life will be over!
What kind of good news
could you probably tell me, after this???"
Doctor: "You also have
Alzheimer's. In about three months you are
going to forget
everything I told you."
man visits his doctor and after
thorough examination the doctor tells
him: "I have good news and bad
news, what would you like to hear
first?"
Patient: "Well, give
me the bad news first."
Doctor: "You have cancer, I estimate
that you have about two years
left."
Patient: "OH NO! That's
awefull! In two years my life will be over!
What kind of good news
could you probably tell me, after this???"
Doctor: "You also have
Alzheimer's. In about three months you are
going to forget
everything I told you."
Three old ladies met on the street on a very
stormy
day. The wind was so strong and loud that they had difficulty
in
hearing each other.
"It's windy," said one.
"No, it's Thursday," said the next.
"So am I," said the third.
"Let's go and have a drink!"
stormy
day. The wind was so strong and loud that they had difficulty
in
hearing each other.
"It's windy," said one.
"No, it's Thursday," said the next.
"So am I," said the third.
"Let's go and have a drink!"
An elderly lady did her shopping and,
upon
returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with
her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding
to scream at them at the top of her voice, "I have a gun and I know
how to use it! Get out of the car, scumbags !"
The four men
didn't wait for a second invitation but got out and ran
like mad,
whereupon the lady, somewhat shaken, proceeded to load her
shopping
bags into the back of the car and get into the driver's
seat.
She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She
tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why. A few minutes later
she
found her own car parked four or five spaces farther
down.
She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police
station.
The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two
with
laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter,
where four pale
white males were reporting a car jacking by a mad
elderly woman
described as white, less than 5' tall, glasses, and
curly white hair carrying
a large handgun.
upon
returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with
her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding
to scream at them at the top of her voice, "I have a gun and I know
how to use it! Get out of the car, scumbags !"
The four men
didn't wait for a second invitation but got out and ran
like mad,
whereupon the lady, somewhat shaken, proceeded to load her
shopping
bags into the back of the car and get into the driver's
seat.
She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She
tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why. A few minutes later
she
found her own car parked four or five spaces farther
down.
She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police
station.
The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two
with
laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter,
where four pale
white males were reporting a car jacking by a mad
elderly woman
described as white, less than 5' tall, glasses, and
curly white hair carrying
a large handgun.
Q: Why did the old lady put wheels on her
rocking chair?
A: She wanted to rock and roll
rocking chair?
A: She wanted to rock and roll
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