Jokes Collection

"What flavors of ice cream
do you have?"
inquired the customer.
"Vanilla, strawberry, and chocolate,"
answered the new waitress in a
hoarse whisper.
Trying to be
sympathetic, the customer asked, "Do you have
laryngitis?"
"No...."
replied the new waitress with some effort, "just...erm....
vanilla,
strawberry, and chocolate."

Two men were in a restaurant and ordered
fish. The waiter
brought a dish with two fish, one larger than the
other. One of the men said
to the other, "Please help yourself." The
other one said "Okay",
and helped himself to the larger fish. After
a tense silence, the first
one said, "really, now, if you had
offered me the first choice, I would
have taken the smaller fish!" The
other one replied, "What are you
complaining for; you have it,
don't you?"

Three
couples are dining
together.
The American husband says to his wife: "Pass me the honey, Honey".
The
English husband says to his wife: "Pass me the sugar, Sugar".
The
[you name it] husband says to his wife: "Pass me the steak, Dumb

cow".

A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down

and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and
shoots
the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager
shouts,
"Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you
didn't pay for
your sandwich!"

The panda yells back at the
manager, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it
up!"

The manager opens
his dictionary and sees the following definition for
panda: "A tree
dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by
distinct black
and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

A Jewish guy called Jacob finds himself in
dire
trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious
financial
trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help.
He goes
into the synagogue and begins to pray

"God, please
help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some
money, I'm
going to lose my house as well, please let me win the

lotto".

Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.

Jacob goes back
to the synagogue.

"God, please let me win the lotto, I've lost
my business, my house
and I'm going to lose my car as
well".

Lotto night comes and Jacob still has no luck!!

Back to the
synagogue.

"My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my
business, my house,
my car and my wife and children are starving. I
don't often ask you
for help and I have always been a good servant to
you. Why won't you
just let me win the lotto this one time so
I can get my life back in
order???".

Suddenly there is a
blinding flash of light as the heavens open and
Jacob is confronted
by the voice of GOD himself:
"JACOB, MEET ME HALF WAY ON THIS ONE,
BUY A DAMN TICKET"

A
priest was called away for an
emergency. Not wanting to leave the
confessional unattended, he called his
rabbi friend from across the street
and asked him to cover for
him.

The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest
told
him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit
and show
him what to do.

The rabbi comes, and he and the
priest are in the confessional. In a
few minutes, a woman comes in and
says, 'Father, forgive me for I have
sinned.'

The priest
asks, 'What did you do?'

The woman says, 'I committed
adultery.'

The priest says, 'How many times?'

And the woman
replies, 'Three.'

Priest: 'Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the
box, and go and sin no
more.'

A few minutes later a man
enters the confessional. He says, 'Father
forgive me for I have
sinned.'

'What did you do?'

I committed adultery.'
r

'How many times?'

'Three times.'

The priest
says, 'Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and
sin no
more.'

The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it, so
the priest
leaves.

A few minutes later another woman enters
and says, 'Father, forgive me
for I have sinned.'

The
rabbi says, 'What did you do?'

The woman replies, 'I committed
adultery.'

The rabbi, getting it off pat, says, 'How many
times?'

The woman replies, 'Once.'

The rabbi said, 'Go and
do it two more times, We have a special this
week, three for
$5.'

Old Mrs.
Watkins awoke one spring morning
to find that the river had flooded the
entire first floor of her
house. Looking out of her window, she saw
that the water was still
rising.

Two men passing by on a rowboat shouted up an invitation
to row to
safety with them. "No, thank you," Mrs. Watkins replied.
"The Lord will
provide." The men shrugged and rowed on.

By
evening, the water level forced Mrs. Watkins to climb on top of the

roof for safety. She was spotted by a man in a motorboat, who offered

to pick her up. "Don't trouble yourself," she told him. "The Lord

will provide."

Pretty soon, Mrs. Watkins had to seek refuge
atop the chimney. When a
Red Cross cutter came by on patrol, she
waved it on, shouting, "The
Lord will provide."

So the boat
left, the water rose and the old woman drowned.

Dripping wet and
thoroughly annoyed, she came through the pearly gates
and demande
d to speak to God. "What happened?" she cried.

"For cryin' out
loud, lady," God said, "I sent three boats!"

A little girl spoke to her teacher about
whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale
to swallow a
human because even though it is a very large mammal,
its throat is very
small.

The little girl said, "But how can
that be? Jonah was swallowed by a
whale."

Irritated, the
teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a
human. "It is
physically impossible!" she said.

Undaunted, the little girl said,
"Well, when I get to heaven I will
ask Jonah."

To this, the
teacher said, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

A local priest and pastor stood by the side
of
the road holding up a sign that said, "The End is Near! Turn
yourself
around now before it's too late!"

They planned to
hold up the sign to each passing car.

"Leave us alone you
religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he
sped by.

From around
the curve they heard a big splash. "Do you think," said
one clergy
to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says
'bridge
out' instead?"

Did you hear about the pub owner who raised

a baby rabbit?
It was an inn-grown hare!

Did you hear about the egg
laden rabbit who
jumps off bridges?
He's the Easter Bungee!

Did you hear about the rabbit who got a job in a
watch factory?
Alike did was stand around making faces.

Baby Rabbit: Mommy, where did I come
from?

Mother Rabbit: I'll tell you when you're older.
Baby Rabbit:
Oh, Mommy, please, tell me now.
Mother Rabbit: If you must know, you
were pulled from a magician's
hat.

A bumble bee was chasing a rabbit. Finally the

bee turned around and flew away. Why?
The rabbit had two b's
already.

A new man
is brought into Prison Cell 102.


Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old.


The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly.

The
old-timer says, "Look at me. I'm old and worn out.

You'd never
believe that I used to live the life of Riley.

I wintered on the
Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most
beautiful women, and
I ate in all the best restaurants of France."

The new man
asked, "What happened?"

"One day Riley reported his credit cards
missing!"

A
local policeman had just finished his
shift one cold November evening and
was at home with his wife.


"You just won't believe what happened this evening , in all my years

on the force I've never seen anything like it."

"Oh yes
dear, what happened ?"

"I came across two guys down by the canal,
one of them was drinking
battery acid and the other was eating
fireworks."

"Drinking battery acid and eating fireworks!! What did
you do with
them ?"

"Oh that was easy, I charged one and
let the other off."

A policeman pulls a man over
for speeding
and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man
over he
says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are
bloodshot. Have
you been drinking?"

The man gets really indignant and says,
"Officer, I couldn't help but
notice your eyes are glazed. Have you
been eating doughnuts?"

Driving to work, a gentlman had to swerve to
avoid a box that fell
out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a
policeman pulled him
over for reckless driving. Fortunately,
another officer had seen the
carton in the road. The policmen stopped
traffic and recovered the box. It
was found to contain large
upholstery tacks.

"I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver,
"but I am still
going to have to write you a ticket."


Amazed, the driver asked for what.

The trooper replied, "Tacks
evasion."

The Boston taxi driver backed into the
stationary
fruit stall and within seconds he had a cop beside him.


"Name?"

"Brendan O'Connor."

"Same as mine. Where are
you from?"

"County Cork."

"Same as me......"

The
policeman paused with his pen in the air.

"Hold on a moment and
I'll come back and talk about the old county. I
want to say
something to this fella that ran into the back of your
cab."

When
toasting the holidays, Republicans
ask for eggnog or mulled wine.
Democrats ask for a "Bud."