Jokes Collection

Walking through Chinatown, a tourist

is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and

banners. He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, "Hans

Olaffsen's Laundry."

"Hans Olaffsen?", he muses. "How in
hell does that fit in here?" So
he walks into the shop and sees an
old Chinese gentleman behind the
counter.

The tourist asks,
"How did this place get a name like 'Hans
Olaffsen's Laundry?'"
The old man answers, "Is name of owner."

The tourist asks,
"Well, who and where is the owner?" "Me...is right
here," replies the
old man.

"You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?"


"Is simple," says the old man. "Many, many year ago when come to

this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in
front was
big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go, 'What your
name?' He
say,'Hans Olaffsen.' Then she look at me and go, 'Wh
at your name?'"

"I say Sem Ting."

A
fellow stopped at a rural gas
station and, after filling his tank, he
paid the bill and bought a
soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his
cola and he watched a
couple of men working along the roadside. One man
would dig a hole
two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man
came along
behind and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new
hole, the
other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old. The men
worked
right past the fellow with the soft drink and went on down the
road.
"I can't stand this," said the man tossing the can in a trash

container and heading down the road toward the men.

"Hold it, hold
it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's
going on here
with this digging?"

"Well, we work for the county government, "
one of the men said.

"But one of you is digging a hole and the
other is filling it up.
You're not accomplishing anything. Are
n't you wasting the county's
money?"

"You don't
understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his
shovel and wiping
his brow. "Normally there's three of us--me, Rodney
and Mike. I
dig the hole, Rodney sticks in the tree and Mike here puts
the dirt
back."

"Yea," piped up Mike. "Now just because Rodney's sick,
that don't
mean we can't work, does it?"

A man was driving along
the
highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He

swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit

jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man
as
well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and
got
out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay,
the rabbit
was dead. The driver felt so awful he began to
cry.

A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of
the
road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the
man what
was wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explained. "I
accidently hit this rabbit and
killed it."

The woman told the man
not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to
her car trunk and
pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp,
dead rabbit, and
sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit.
Miraculously,
the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two

humans and hopped down the road. 50 feet away the rabbit stopped, turned

around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 feet,

turned, waved, and hopped another 50 feet. The man was astonished.
He
couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's
spray can!
He ran over to the woman and demanded, " What was in your
spray can?
What did you spray onto that rabbit?" The woman turned
the can around so
that the man could read the label. It
said:

"'Hare Spray' Restores Life to Dead Hare. Adds Permanent Wave."

A man wrote a letter to a small

hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation.
He
wrote:"I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is

well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep

him in my room with me at night?"

An immediate reply came
from the hotel owner, who said, "I've been
operating this hotel for
many years. In all that time, I've never had a
dog steal towels,
bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls.
I've never had to
evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk
and
disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes,
indeed,
your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch
for
you, you're welcome to stay here, too."

What is a vampire's
favourite soup
?
Scream of mushroom !

When the picture of the vampire's grandmother
crashed
to the floor in the middle of the night what did it mean?

That the nail had come out of the wall.

What is Dracula's favorite
fruit?

Neck-tarines.

Did you hear about the
vampire who had an
eye for the ladies?
He used to keep it in his back pocket.

Why did the vampire attack the clown?
He
wanted the circus to be in his blood.

What time is it when you sit on a pin?
Spring
time.

What did the Loch Ness Monster say to
his
friend?
Long time no sea.

How can you tell when witches are carrying
a
time bomb?
You can hear their brooms tick!

A man had been
driving all night and by
morning was still far from his destination. He
decided to stop at the
next city he came to, and park somewhere quiet so
he could get an hour
or two of sleep. As luck would have it, the quiet
place he chose
happened to be on one of the city's major jogging
routes. No sooner
had he settled back to snooze when there came a knocking
on his
window. He looked out and saw a jogger running in place.

"Yes?"


"Excuse me, sir," the jogger said, "do you have the time?" The
man
looked at the car clock and answered, "8:15". The jogger said
thanks
and left. The man settled back again, and was just dozing off
when
there was another knock on the window and another jogger.


"Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?"

"8:25!"

The
jogger said thanks and left. Now the man could see other joggers

passing by and he knew it was only a matter of time before another o
ne
disturbed him. To avoid the problem, he got out a pen and paper
and put a
sign in his window saying, "I do not know the time!" Once
again he
settled back to sleep. He was just dozing off when there
was another
knock on the window.

"Sir, sir? It's 8:45!."

A blonde asked someone what time it was, and they

told her it was 4:45. The blonde, with a puzzled look on her face

replied,


"You know, it's the weirdest thing, I have been
asking that question
all day, and each time I get a different
answer."

At three o'clock one morning a

veterinary surgeon was woken from a deep sleep by the ringing of his

telephone. He staggered downstairs and answered the phone. "I'm sorry if

I woke you," said a voice at the other end of the line. "That's all

right," said the vet, "I had to get up to answer the telephone

anyway."

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a
telephone.
Doctor: Why's that?
I keep getting calls in the night.

What do ghosts use to phone home?
A
terror-phone.

What do you call
an elephant in a phone
box?
Stuck.

After my wife and her former best buddy,

another Air Force wife, were separated by a move that posted
one
husband on the opposite coast, the telephone became their chief means

of communication. When our phone
bills showed astronomical
increases, the other spouse and I sought
relief. Since we both owned
computers, we
encourage our wives to use electronic mail.

Now they
call on the phone to let each other know that e-mail was sent,
then
call back to confirm that it
arrived and have a conversation about
the contents!

A man coughed violently, and his false
teeth
shot across the room and smashed against the wall. "Oh, dear," he

said, "whatever shall I do? I can't afford a new set."
"Don't
worry," said his friend. "I'll get a pair from my brother
for you."
The next day the friend came back with the teeth, which
fitted
perfectly.
"This is wonderful," said the man. "Your brother must be a
very good
dentist."
"Oh, he's not a dentist," replied the friend,
"he's an
undertaker."