Jokes Collection
Enjoy our collection of over 100,000 jokes. Find humor for every occasion and share laughs with friends and family.
Latest Jokes
What happened to the witch with an upside down
nose?
Every time she sneezed her hat blew off.
nose?
Every time she sneezed her hat blew off.
Did you hear about the witch who was ashamed of
her long black
hair?
She always wore long gloves to cover it
up.
her long black
hair?
She always wore long gloves to cover it
up.
What did Santa
Claus's wife say during a
thunderstorm?
'Come and look at the rain, dear.'
Claus's wife say during a
thunderstorm?
'Come and look at the rain, dear.'
'You
never get anything right,'
complained the teacher. 'What kind of job
do you think you'll get when you
leave school ?'
'Well, I want to be the weather girl on TV.'
never get anything right,'
complained the teacher. 'What kind of job
do you think you'll get when you
leave school ?'
'Well, I want to be the weather girl on TV.'
Why did your sister cut a hole in her
new
umbrella ?
Because she wanted to be able to tell when it stopped
raining.
new
umbrella ?
Because she wanted to be able to tell when it stopped
raining.
You're hiking around on Hampsted Heath (a park
near London) at the end of a long sunny day. You run across
(separately) the ghosts of Sir Winston Churchill, Sir Baden Powell, and
Sir Edmund
Hillary, who all give you directions to the nearest tube
stop. Whom
don't you believe? Your story teller, for there is no
such thing as a
completely sunny day in England.
near London) at the end of a long sunny day. You run across
(separately) the ghosts of Sir Winston Churchill, Sir Baden Powell, and
Sir Edmund
Hillary, who all give you directions to the nearest tube
stop. Whom
don't you believe? Your story teller, for there is no
such thing as a
completely sunny day in England.
Two attorneys went into a
diner and ordered
two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their
briefcases and
started to eat. The waiter became quite concerned and
marched over
and told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in
here!" The
attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then
exchanged sandwiches.
diner and ordered
two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their
briefcases and
started to eat. The waiter became quite concerned and
marched over
and told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in
here!" The
attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then
exchanged sandwiches.
Waiter,
waiter, do you have frog's
legs?
Certainly, Sir!
Well hop over here and get me a sandwich!
waiter, do you have frog's
legs?
Certainly, Sir!
Well hop over here and get me a sandwich!
Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?"
1st
customer: "I'll have tea."
2nd customer: "Me, too - and be sure the
glass is clean!"
(Waiter exits, returns)
Waiter: "Two teas. Which one
asked for the clean glass?"
1st
customer: "I'll have tea."
2nd customer: "Me, too - and be sure the
glass is clean!"
(Waiter exits, returns)
Waiter: "Two teas. Which one
asked for the clean glass?"
A waiter brings the
customer the steak he
ordered with his thumb over the meat.
"Are you crazy?" yelled the
customer, "with your hand on my steak?"
"What" answers the waiter, "You
want it to fall on the floor
again?"
customer the steak he
ordered with his thumb over the meat.
"Are you crazy?" yelled the
customer, "with your hand on my steak?"
"What" answers the waiter, "You
want it to fall on the floor
again?"
Diner: Watch out! Your thumbs in my
soup!
Waiter: Don't worry, Sir, it's not that hot!
soup!
Waiter: Don't worry, Sir, it's not that hot!
A vampire bat came flapping in from a
night of foraging, covered in
fresh blood. He parked himself on the
cave's roof to get some sleep.
Soon all the other bats smelled the
blood and began hassling him about
where he got it. He told them to
shut up and let him get some sleep, but
they persisted until he
finally gave in. "OK, follow me." He flew out
of the cave with
hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley
they went, across a
river and into a forest of trees. Finally he slowed
down and all the
other bats excitedly milled around him. "Do you see
that tree over
there?" "YES, YES, YES!!" the bats all screamed in a
frenzy. "Well I
didn't!"
night of foraging, covered in
fresh blood. He parked himself on the
cave's roof to get some sleep.
Soon all the other bats smelled the
blood and began hassling him about
where he got it. He told them to
shut up and let him get some sleep, but
they persisted until he
finally gave in. "OK, follow me." He flew out
of the cave with
hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley
they went, across a
river and into a forest of trees. Finally he slowed
down and all the
other bats excitedly milled around him. "Do you see
that tree over
there?" "YES, YES, YES!!" the bats all screamed in a
frenzy. "Well I
didn't!"
There are bats hanging of a branch
upside down, all except one. Two bats comment: "What's happened to this
one?
- I don't know, two minutes ago he seemed normal and then
he
fainted.
upside down, all except one. Two bats comment: "What's happened to this
one?
- I don't know, two minutes ago he seemed normal and then
he
fainted.
A lady was walking down the street to
work and she
saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The
parrot said to her,
"Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is
furious! She
stormed past the store to her work. On the way home
she saw the same parrot
and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really
ugly."
She was incredibly ticked now. The next day the same
parrot again said
to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
The
lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she
would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied,
"That's not good," and promised he wouldn't say it again.
When
the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot
called to her, "Hey lady."
She paused and said, "Yes?"
The
bird said, "You know."
work and she
saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The
parrot said to her,
"Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is
furious! She
stormed past the store to her work. On the way home
she saw the same parrot
and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really
ugly."
She was incredibly ticked now. The next day the same
parrot again said
to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
The
lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she
would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied,
"That's not good," and promised he wouldn't say it again.
When
the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot
called to her, "Hey lady."
She paused and said, "Yes?"
The
bird said, "You know."
During my stay at an expensive hotel
in New York
City, I woke up in the middle of the night with an
upset stomach. I
called room service and ordered some soda crackers.
When I looked at the
charge slip, I was furious. I called room
service and raged, "I know
I'm in a luxury hotel, but $11.50 for six
crackers is ridiculous!"
"The crackers are complimentary," the voice
to the other end cooly
explained. "I believe you are complaining
about your room number."
in New York
City, I woke up in the middle of the night with an
upset stomach. I
called room service and ordered some soda crackers.
When I looked at the
charge slip, I was furious. I called room
service and raged, "I know
I'm in a luxury hotel, but $11.50 for six
crackers is ridiculous!"
"The crackers are complimentary," the voice
to the other end cooly
explained. "I believe you are complaining
about your room number."
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