Jokes Collection
Enjoy our collection of over 100,000 jokes. Find humor for every occasion and share laughs with friends and family.
Featured Joke
Vladimir Putin, wanting to get on the good side of voters, goes to visit a school in Moscow to have a chat with the kids. He talks to them about how Russia is a powerful nation and how he wants the best for the people.
At the end of the talk, there is a section for questions, Little Alina puts her hand up and says "I have two questions"
"Why did the Russians take Crimea? And Why are we sending troops to Ukraine?"
Putin says "Good questions" But just as he is about to answer, the bell goes, and the kids go to Lunch.
When they come back, they sit back down and there is room for some more questions, another girl, Tatiana, puts her hand up and says "I have Four questions"
"My Questions are - Why did the Russians invade Crimea? Why are we sending troops to Ukraine? Why did the bell go 20 minutes early? And Where is Alina?"
Edit: The comment are saying that Sasha and Misha are male names, and that "The Ukraine" is incorrect. Thanks for that, it's changed now.
Edit 2: Front page woop woop :D
At the end of the talk, there is a section for questions, Little Alina puts her hand up and says "I have two questions"
"Why did the Russians take Crimea? And Why are we sending troops to Ukraine?"
Putin says "Good questions" But just as he is about to answer, the bell goes, and the kids go to Lunch.
When they come back, they sit back down and there is room for some more questions, another girl, Tatiana, puts her hand up and says "I have Four questions"
"My Questions are - Why did the Russians invade Crimea? Why are we sending troops to Ukraine? Why did the bell go 20 minutes early? And Where is Alina?"
Edit: The comment are saying that Sasha and Misha are male names, and that "The Ukraine" is incorrect. Thanks for that, it's changed now.
Edit 2: Front page woop woop :D
Latest Jokes
Why are
teachers happy at
Halloween parties?
Because there's lots of school spirit!
teachers happy at
Halloween parties?
Because there's lots of school spirit!
How do you know when a
woman
is about to say something smart?
- She starts her sentence with
"A man once told me..."
woman
is about to say something smart?
- She starts her sentence with
"A man once told me..."
Why do women have
smaller
feet than men?
- It allows them to stand closer to the sink.
smaller
feet than men?
- It allows them to stand closer to the sink.
Three men: an editor, a
photographer, and a journalist are covering a political convention in Miami.
They decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour.
Halfway
up the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp. As they rub the
lamp a genie
appears and says "Normally I would grant you three
wishes, but since
there are three of you, I will grant you each one
wish."
The photographer went first. "I would like to spend the rest
of my
life living in a huge house in St. Thomas with no money
worries." The
genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to St.
Thomas.
The journalist went next. "I would like to spend the rest of
my life
living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean with no
money
worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to
the
Mediterranean.
Last, but not least, it was the editor's
turn. "And what would your
wish be?" asked the genie.
"I want them both back after lunch" replied the editor, "the
deadline for tomorrow's newspaper is in about ten hours.
photographer, and a journalist are covering a political convention in Miami.
They decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour.
Halfway
up the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp. As they rub the
lamp a genie
appears and says "Normally I would grant you three
wishes, but since
there are three of you, I will grant you each one
wish."
The photographer went first. "I would like to spend the rest
of my
life living in a huge house in St. Thomas with no money
worries." The
genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to St.
Thomas.
The journalist went next. "I would like to spend the rest of
my life
living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean with no
money
worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to
the
Mediterranean.
Last, but not least, it was the editor's
turn. "And what would your
wish be?" asked the genie.
"I want them both back after lunch" replied the editor, "the
deadline for tomorrow's newspaper is in about ten hours.
A lawyer with insomnia consulted
her doctor.
"Which side is it best to lie on?" she asked.
"The
side that pays your fee," replied the doctor.
her doctor.
"Which side is it best to lie on?" she asked.
"The
side that pays your fee," replied the doctor.
An accountant is having a hard
time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. "Doctor, I just can't get
to
sleep at night."
"Have you tried counting
sheep?"
"That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours
trying to find it."
time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. "Doctor, I just can't get
to
sleep at night."
"Have you tried counting
sheep?"
"That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours
trying to find it."
A husband and wife entered the
dentist's office. The husband said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't
want
gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull
the tooth
as quickly as possible."
"You're a brave man," said
the dentist. "Now, show me which tooth
it is."
The husband
turns to his wife and says, "Open your mouth and show the
dentist
which tooth it is, dear."
dentist's office. The husband said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't
want
gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull
the tooth
as quickly as possible."
"You're a brave man," said
the dentist. "Now, show me which tooth
it is."
The husband
turns to his wife and says, "Open your mouth and show the
dentist
which tooth it is, dear."
A little boy walked
down the
aisle at a wedding. As he made his way to the front, he would
take
two steps, then stop, and turn to the crowd, alternating between
the bride's side and the groom's side. While facing the crowd, he would
put his hands up like claws and roar. And so it went-step, step,
ROAR,
step, step, ROAR-all the way down the aisle.
As you can
imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by
the time he
reached the pulpit.
The little boy, however, was getting more and
more distressed from all
the laughing, and he was near tears by the
time he reached the pulpit.
When asked what he was doing, the child
sniffed back his tears and
said, "I was being the ring bear."
down the
aisle at a wedding. As he made his way to the front, he would
take
two steps, then stop, and turn to the crowd, alternating between
the bride's side and the groom's side. While facing the crowd, he would
put his hands up like claws and roar. And so it went-step, step,
ROAR,
step, step, ROAR-all the way down the aisle.
As you can
imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by
the time he
reached the pulpit.
The little boy, however, was getting more and
more distressed from all
the laughing, and he was near tears by the
time he reached the pulpit.
When asked what he was doing, the child
sniffed back his tears and
said, "I was being the ring bear."
Two Arabs boarded a shuttle out
of Washington for New York. One
sat in the window seat, the other in
the middle seat. Just before
takeoff a fat, little Israeli guy got
on and took the aisle seat next to the
Arabs. He kicked off his
shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in
when the Arab in the
window seat said, "I think I'll go up and get a
coke."
"No
problem," said the Israeli. "I'll get it for you." While he
was gone,
the Arab picked up the Israeli's shoe and spit in it. When the
Israeli returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good.
I think I'll have one too."
Again, the Israeli obligingly
went to fetch it, and while he is gone
the Arab other picked up the
other shoe and spit in it. The Israeli
returned with the coke, and
they all sat back and enjoyed the short flight
to New York.
As the plane was landing the Israeli slipped his feet into his shoe
s
and knew immediately what had happened.
"How long must
this go on?" he asked. "This enmity between our
peoples..... this
hatred... this animosity... this spitting in shoes and
peeing in
cokes?"
of Washington for New York. One
sat in the window seat, the other in
the middle seat. Just before
takeoff a fat, little Israeli guy got
on and took the aisle seat next to the
Arabs. He kicked off his
shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in
when the Arab in the
window seat said, "I think I'll go up and get a
coke."
"No
problem," said the Israeli. "I'll get it for you." While he
was gone,
the Arab picked up the Israeli's shoe and spit in it. When the
Israeli returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good.
I think I'll have one too."
Again, the Israeli obligingly
went to fetch it, and while he is gone
the Arab other picked up the
other shoe and spit in it. The Israeli
returned with the coke, and
they all sat back and enjoyed the short flight
to New York.
As the plane was landing the Israeli slipped his feet into his shoe
s
and knew immediately what had happened.
"How long must
this go on?" he asked. "This enmity between our
peoples..... this
hatred... this animosity... this spitting in shoes and
peeing in
cokes?"
A Brit, a
Frenchman and a
Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve
frolicking in the
Garden of Eden.
"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit.
"They must be
British."
"Nonsense," the Frenchman
disagrees. "They're naked, and so
beautiful. Clearly, they are French."
"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only
an
apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are
Russian."
Frenchman and a
Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve
frolicking in the
Garden of Eden.
"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit.
"They must be
British."
"Nonsense," the Frenchman
disagrees. "They're naked, and so
beautiful. Clearly, they are French."
"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only
an
apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are
Russian."
A Jewish guy called Jacob finds himself in
dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious
financial
trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help.
He
goes into the synagogue and begins to pray
"God, please
help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some
money, I'm
going to lose my house as well, please let me win the
lotto".
Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.
Jacob goes back
to the synagogue.
"God, please let me win the lotto, I've lost
my business, my house
and I'm going to lose my car as
well".
Lotto night comes and Jacob still has no luck!!
Back to the
synagogue.
"My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my
business, my house,
my car and my wife and children are starving. I
don't often ask you
for help and I have always been a good servant
to you. Why won't you
just let me win the lotto this one time so
I can get my life back in
order???".
Suddenly there is a
blinding flash of light as the heavens open and
Jacob is confronted by
the voice of GOD himself:
"JACOB, MEET ME HALF WAY ON THIS ONE, BUY
A DAMN TICKET"
dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious
financial
trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help.
He
goes into the synagogue and begins to pray
"God, please
help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some
money, I'm
going to lose my house as well, please let me win the
lotto".
Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.
Jacob goes back
to the synagogue.
"God, please let me win the lotto, I've lost
my business, my house
and I'm going to lose my car as
well".
Lotto night comes and Jacob still has no luck!!
Back to the
synagogue.
"My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my
business, my house,
my car and my wife and children are starving. I
don't often ask you
for help and I have always been a good servant
to you. Why won't you
just let me win the lotto this one time so
I can get my life back in
order???".
Suddenly there is a
blinding flash of light as the heavens open and
Jacob is confronted by
the voice of GOD himself:
"JACOB, MEET ME HALF WAY ON THIS ONE, BUY
A DAMN TICKET"
A minister gave a talk to the
Lions Club on sex. When he got home, he couldn't
tell his wife
that he had spoken about sex, so he said he had discussed
horseback
riding with the members.
A few days later, she ran into some men at
the shopping center and they
complimented her on the speech her
husband had made.
She said, "Yes, I heard. I was surprised about the
subject matter, as
he's only
tried it twice. The first time he
got so sore he could hardly walk, and
the
second time he fell
off."
Lions Club on sex. When he got home, he couldn't
tell his wife
that he had spoken about sex, so he said he had discussed
horseback
riding with the members.
A few days later, she ran into some men at
the shopping center and they
complimented her on the speech her
husband had made.
She said, "Yes, I heard. I was surprised about the
subject matter, as
he's only
tried it twice. The first time he
got so sore he could hardly walk, and
the
second time he fell
off."
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