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A married couple was in a
terrible accident where the
woman's face was severely burned.
The
doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft the skin from her
body, so the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.
However, the only skin on his body that the doctor found suitable would
have to come from his rear end.
The husband and wife agreed
that they would tell no one about where the
skin came from, and
requested that the doctor also honor their secret.
After all, this was
a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed,
everyone was astounded at the woman's
new beauty. She looked more
beautiful than she ever had before! All her
friends and relatives just
went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone
with her husband, and she was overcome with
emotion at his
sacrifice.
She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everyth
ing you did for
me. There is no way I could ever repay you."
"My darling," he replied," think nothing of it. I get all the thanks
I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
terrible accident where the
woman's face was severely burned.
The
doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft the skin from her
body, so the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.
However, the only skin on his body that the doctor found suitable would
have to come from his rear end.
The husband and wife agreed
that they would tell no one about where the
skin came from, and
requested that the doctor also honor their secret.
After all, this was
a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed,
everyone was astounded at the woman's
new beauty. She looked more
beautiful than she ever had before! All her
friends and relatives just
went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone
with her husband, and she was overcome with
emotion at his
sacrifice.
She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everyth
ing you did for
me. There is no way I could ever repay you."
"My darling," he replied," think nothing of it. I get all the thanks
I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
One day there were two boys
playing by
a stream. One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to
it and the
other boy couldn't figure out why his friend was at the
bush so long.
The other boy went over to the bush and looked. The
two boys were
looking at a woman bathing naked in the steam. All of
a sudden the second
boy took off running. The first boy couldn't
understand why he ran away
so he took off after his friend. Finally,
he caught up to him and asked
why he ran away. The boy said to his
friend, "My mom told me if I ever
saw a naked lady I would turn to
stone, and I felt something getting
hard, so I ran."
playing by
a stream. One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to
it and the
other boy couldn't figure out why his friend was at the
bush so long.
The other boy went over to the bush and looked. The
two boys were
looking at a woman bathing naked in the steam. All of
a sudden the second
boy took off running. The first boy couldn't
understand why he ran away
so he took off after his friend. Finally,
he caught up to him and asked
why he ran away. The boy said to his
friend, "My mom told me if I ever
saw a naked lady I would turn to
stone, and I felt something getting
hard, so I ran."
A Texan walks into a pub in
Ireland and
clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear
you Irish are
a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American
dollars to anybody
in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness
back-to-back."
The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's
offer. One man even
leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who
left shows back up
and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet
still good?", asks
the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and
asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of
Guinness. Immediately the
Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses
drinking them all
back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan
sits in
amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya
don't mind me
askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were
gone?".
The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub
down the street to
see if I could do it first".
Ireland and
clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear
you Irish are
a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American
dollars to anybody
in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness
back-to-back."
The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's
offer. One man even
leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who
left shows back up
and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet
still good?", asks
the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and
asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of
Guinness. Immediately the
Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses
drinking them all
back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan
sits in
amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya
don't mind me
askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were
gone?".
The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub
down the street to
see if I could do it first".
A drunk stammers out of a bar and
runs into two priests. He runs up to them and says, ''I'm Jesus
Christ.''
The first priest says, ''No, son, I'm Jesus
Christ.''
So the drunk says it to the second priest.
The second priest replies, ''No, son, I'm Jesus Christ.''
The drunk says, ''Look, I can prove it.'' and walks back into the
bar with the priests.
The bartender takes on look at the
drunk and exclaims, ''Jesus
Christ, you're here again?''
runs into two priests. He runs up to them and says, ''I'm Jesus
Christ.''
The first priest says, ''No, son, I'm Jesus
Christ.''
So the drunk says it to the second priest.
The second priest replies, ''No, son, I'm Jesus Christ.''
The drunk says, ''Look, I can prove it.'' and walks back into the
bar with the priests.
The bartender takes on look at the
drunk and exclaims, ''Jesus
Christ, you're here again?''
This guy
goes to the zoo one
day. While standing in front of the gorilla's cage,
a gust of wind
swept some dust into his eye. As he rubbed his eyelid,
the gorilla
went crazy, bent open the bars, and beat the guy senseless.
When the
guy came to his senses, he reported the incident to the
zookeeper.
Nodding, the zookeeper explained that pulling down your eyelid
means "F**k you!" in gorilla language. The explanation didn't make the
victim feel any better and he vowed revenge.
The next day he
purchased two large knives, two party hats, two party
horns, and a large
sausage. Putting the sausage in his pants, he hurried
to the zoo
and over to the gorilla's cage, where he tossed a hat, a
knife, and
a party horn.
Knowing that gorillas were natural mimics, he put on a
party hat. The
gorilla looked at him, looked at the hat, and put it
on. Next, he picked
up his horn and blew on it. The gorilla
picked up his horn and did the
same. Then the man picked up his
knife, whipped the sausage out of his
pants, and sliced it in
half.
The gorilla looked at the knife, looked at his own crotch, looked at
the man, and pulled down his eyelid.
goes to the zoo one
day. While standing in front of the gorilla's cage,
a gust of wind
swept some dust into his eye. As he rubbed his eyelid,
the gorilla
went crazy, bent open the bars, and beat the guy senseless.
When the
guy came to his senses, he reported the incident to the
zookeeper.
Nodding, the zookeeper explained that pulling down your eyelid
means "F**k you!" in gorilla language. The explanation didn't make the
victim feel any better and he vowed revenge.
The next day he
purchased two large knives, two party hats, two party
horns, and a large
sausage. Putting the sausage in his pants, he hurried
to the zoo
and over to the gorilla's cage, where he tossed a hat, a
knife, and
a party horn.
Knowing that gorillas were natural mimics, he put on a
party hat. The
gorilla looked at him, looked at the hat, and put it
on. Next, he picked
up his horn and blew on it. The gorilla
picked up his horn and did the
same. Then the man picked up his
knife, whipped the sausage out of his
pants, and sliced it in
half.
The gorilla looked at the knife, looked at his own crotch, looked at
the man, and pulled down his eyelid.
Little
Mary was not the best
student in Sunday School. Usually she slept
through the class. One
day the teacher called on her while she was napping,
"Tell me,
Mary, who created the universe?"
When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny,
an altruistic boy seated in the
chair behind her, took a pin and
jabbed her in the rear. "God
Almighty!" shouted Mary, and the teacher
said, "Very good," and Mary fell
back asleep.
A while later the
teacher asked Mary, "Who is our Lord and Savior,"
but Mary didn't
even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to
the rescue,
and stuck her again. "Jesus Christ!" shouted Mary, and
the teacher
said, "Very good," and Mary fell back asleep.
Then the teacher asked
Mary a third question. "What did Eve say to
Adam after she had her
twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her
with the pin.
This time Mary jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that
damn th
ing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"
Mary was not the best
student in Sunday School. Usually she slept
through the class. One
day the teacher called on her while she was napping,
"Tell me,
Mary, who created the universe?"
When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny,
an altruistic boy seated in the
chair behind her, took a pin and
jabbed her in the rear. "God
Almighty!" shouted Mary, and the teacher
said, "Very good," and Mary fell
back asleep.
A while later the
teacher asked Mary, "Who is our Lord and Savior,"
but Mary didn't
even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to
the rescue,
and stuck her again. "Jesus Christ!" shouted Mary, and
the teacher
said, "Very good," and Mary fell back asleep.
Then the teacher asked
Mary a third question. "What did Eve say to
Adam after she had her
twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her
with the pin.
This time Mary jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that
damn th
ing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"
Q: How do you know if a blonde
has been sending e-mail?
A: You see a bunch of envelopes stuffed
into the disk drive.
has been sending e-mail?
A: You see a bunch of envelopes stuffed
into the disk drive.
A couple decided that the only
way to have a quickie while their ten-year- old son was in the
apartment
was to send him out on the balcony and let him give a running
report on
what was going on in the neighbourhood. So the boy stood
on the balcony
and reported on everything that was happening. "A
police car has just
called at the Hamiltons' house, the Chandlers are
taking delivery of a
new wardrobe, and the Mitchell's are having
sex." Hearing this, the
boy's parents shot bolt upright. "How do
you know the Mitchells are
having sex?" "Because their kid is
standing on the balcony too."
way to have a quickie while their ten-year- old son was in the
apartment
was to send him out on the balcony and let him give a running
report on
what was going on in the neighbourhood. So the boy stood
on the balcony
and reported on everything that was happening. "A
police car has just
called at the Hamiltons' house, the Chandlers are
taking delivery of a
new wardrobe, and the Mitchell's are having
sex." Hearing this, the
boy's parents shot bolt upright. "How do
you know the Mitchells are
having sex?" "Because their kid is
standing on the balcony too."
Q. What does a woman's asshole
do when she is having an orgasm?
A. He is usually home with the
kids!
do when she is having an orgasm?
A. He is usually home with the
kids!
Three women are about to be
executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead and one's a
blonde.
The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she
has any last requests.
She says no and the executioner
shouts, ''Ready! Aim!'' Suddenly
the brunette yells,
''EARTHQUAKE!!!'' Everyone is startled and throws
themselves on the ground
while she escapes.
The guard brings the redhead forward and the
executioner asks if she
has any last requests. She say no and the
executioner shouts, ''Ready!
Aim!'' Suddenly the redhead yells,
''TORNADO!!!'' Everyone is
startled and looks around for cover
while she escapes.
By now the blonde has it all figured out. The
guard brings her forward
and the executioner asks if she has any
last requests. She says no and
the executioner shouts, Ready! Aim!''
and the blonde yells,
''FIRE!!!'''
executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead and one's a
blonde.
The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she
has any last requests.
She says no and the executioner
shouts, ''Ready! Aim!'' Suddenly
the brunette yells,
''EARTHQUAKE!!!'' Everyone is startled and throws
themselves on the ground
while she escapes.
The guard brings the redhead forward and the
executioner asks if she
has any last requests. She say no and the
executioner shouts, ''Ready!
Aim!'' Suddenly the redhead yells,
''TORNADO!!!'' Everyone is
startled and looks around for cover
while she escapes.
By now the blonde has it all figured out. The
guard brings her forward
and the executioner asks if she has any
last requests. She says no and
the executioner shouts, Ready! Aim!''
and the blonde yells,
''FIRE!!!'''
"Mommy, all the kids at school
say I'm
a werewolf! Is that true?"
"No, of course not. Now shut
up and comb your face."
say I'm
a werewolf! Is that true?"
"No, of course not. Now shut
up and comb your face."
Q: Why doesn't the dinosaur
cross the road anymore?
A: Because their eggs stink. (They're
extinct)
cross the road anymore?
A: Because their eggs stink. (They're
extinct)
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