Jokes Collection

..... Ya see, we
at Microsoft believe in
making computing easier! What could be easier
for consumers than
having only ONE choice of software?!?

- Why do you think I spend too much
time
at my computer?

- Well, dear... Every time I ask you to close
the windows you answer
with "Please wait while your computer shuts
down"...

Customer: "I'm running Windows '95."

Tech: "Yes."
Customer: "My computer isn't working now."
Tech:
"Yes, you said that."

Got this email from a friend:

CanYouFixTheSpaceBarOnMyKeyboard?

One guy was on duty in the main lab
on a
quiet afternoon. He noticed a young woman sitting in front of one
of
the workstations with her arms crossed across her chest and staring

at the screen.

After about 15 minutes he noticed that she was
still in the same
position only now she was impatiently tapping her
foot.

He asked if she needed help and she replied, It's about
time! I pushed
the F1 button over twenty minutes ago!

Comments made
by Programmers when their
programs don't work:
Strange...
I've never heard about that.

It did work yesterday.
Well, the program needs some fixing.

How is this possible?
The machine seems to be broken.
Has the
operating system been updated?
The user has made an error again.

There is something wrong in your test data.
I have not touched that
module!
Yes yes, it will be ready in time.
You must have the
wrong executable.
Oh, it's just a feature.
I'm almost ready.

Of course, I just have to do these small fixes.
It will be done
in no time at all.
It's just some unlucky coincidence.
I can't
test everything!
THIS can't do THAT.
Didn't I fix it already?

It's already there, but it has not been tested.
It works, but
it's not been tested.
Somebody must have changed my code.

There must be a virus in the application software.
Even though i
t does not work, how does it feel?
How come you didn't find it
during the system testing?
It's a setup problem.
And the
Ultimate:

A smart user would never do that!

A doctor, a civil engineer, and a computer
scientist
were arguing about what was the oldest profession in the
world. The doctor
remarked "Well, in the Bible it says that God
created Eve from a rib
taken from Adam. This clearly required surgery so
I can rightly claim
that mine is the oldest profession in the
world."

The civil engineer interrupted and said "But even earlier in
the book
of Genesis, it states that God created the order of the
heavens and the
earth from out of the chaos. This was the first and
certainly the most
spectacular application of civil engineering.
Therefore, fair doctor,
you are wrong; mine is the oldest profession
in the world."

The computer scientist leaned back in his chair,
smiled, and said
confidently, "Ah, but who do you think created the
chaos?

Q: What's the
best way to accelerate a
Mac?
A: 9.81 m/s2

A Engineer and an Programmer are sitting next

to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The Engineer leans
over
to the Programmer and asks if he would like to play a fun game.
The
Programmer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines
and rolls over
to the window to catch a few winks.

The
Engineer persists and explains that the game is real easy and a lot
of
fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the

answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know

the answer, I'll pay you $5."

Again, the Programmer politely
declines and tries to get to sleep.The
Engineer, now somewhat
agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know the
answer you pay me $5, and if
I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $50!"

This catches the
Programmer's attention, and he sees no end to this
torment unless
he plays, so he agrees to the game. The Engineer asks the
firs
t question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"


The Programmer doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls

out a five dollar bill and hands it to the Engineer.

Now,
it's the Programmer's turn. He asks the Engineer "What goes up
a
hill with three legs, and comes down on four?"

The Engineer
looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his
laptop computer
and searches all of his references. He taps into the
Airphone with
his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress.

Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers -- all to no avail.

After
about an hour, he wakes the Programmer and hands him $50. The

Programmer politely takes the $50 and turns away to try to get back to

sleep.

The Engineer, more than a little miffed, shakes the
Programmer and asks
"Well, so what's the answer?"

Without a
word, the Programmer reaches into his wallet, hands the
Engineer
a $5 bill, and turns away to get back to sleep.

As most technophiles are aware, there are

special programs to run scanners. These programs use a TWAIN driver to

perform the scanning. TWAIN, the acronym, stands for "Technology
Without
An Interesting Name."

Q: What's the
difference between a car
salesman and a computer salesman? A: The car
salesman can probably
drive!

Jesus and Satan got into an
argument over
which of them was the better computer programmer. Finally
God got
tired of the bickering and told them that he would judge a
contest
between them. They each had four hours to write the best program

they could, and then God would decide the winner.

Well, they both
got right down to business, and wrote lines and lines
and lines of
code. But just before the four hours were up there was a
flash of
lightning and a tremendous clap of thunder. The lights
flickered, the
power faltered, and both computer screens went dead.

When power
was restored, God declared that time was up and asked to see
the
results of their work. Jesus flipped on his computer and displayed

the most elegant program you could imagine, with beautiful architecture

and wonderful syllogisms, triumphs of multimedia sound and pictures
--
all kinds of bells and whistles.

God asked Satan wha
t he had created, but Satan said, "I've got
nothing, absolutely
nothing. My program was twice as good as that, but I lost
it all
when the power went out. Jesus must have cheated. How could he
still
have such a great program?"

God replied, "Everybody knows --
Jesus Saves."

Q.
What creature has the best aptitude for
engineering ?

A. The spider -- It has its own website.

My computer made a funny sound the other
day.
Of course, I've never heard it get thrown out a window before.

After buying a PC from a dealer of shady shady
repute, the luckless
customer unpacked his new toy and plugged it
in to find it Dead On
Arrival.

Naturally, after checking the
usual things, he called the dealer and
explained his problem. First
question from Deviously Evasive Dealer:
"Did you check to see
whether the power was on?"

"Of course."

DED: "Did you open
the cover and check whether any of the boards had
shaken loose in
shipping?"

"Of course."

DED: Then why are you calling
me?"

"Well, you sold it to me and there has to be some kind of
warranty,"
pleaded the frustrated purchaser.

"Of course there
is," replied the DED, "But you voided the warranty
when you opened
the cover."
There are two major products to come out of Berkeley:
LSD and UNIX.

We don't believe this to be a coincidence.

Dear God: Yesterday was an awful day for
me...

My husband ran off with his secretary,

My son pierced
his eyebrow,

My daughter tattooed the bald spot on her
head,

My dog mated with the neighbors cat,

My neighbor sold her
house to a mental institution,

My Mom told me I was
adopted,

My Dad told me he's gay,

My boss told me I was laid
off,

My sister was arrested for prostitution,

My house has
termites,

My car was stolen,

All that came in the mail was
bills,

A plane, crash landed on my garage,

OJ Simpson came to my
door selling rug cleaner,

And my TV blew.

Lord, please be
with me today.

I was able to live through all that misery
yesterday.

And I will be able to make it through anything today! But
please....

DON'T LET ANYTHING HAPPEN TO MY
COMPUTER!!!!!

AMENA programmer enters an elevator, wanting to go to the 12th
floor.
So, he pushes 1, then he pushes 2, and starts looking for
the
Enter....

Young Judy, the editor of a trivia

publication, was having trouble with her computer. So she called Prem, the

computer guy, over to her desk. Prem clicked a couple buttons and
solved
the problem.

As he was walking away, Judy called after
him, "So, what was wrong?"

And he replied, "It was an ID ten T
error."

A puzzled expression ran riot over Judy's face. "An ID ten
T error?
What's that ... in case I need to fix it
again??"

He gave her a grin... ;-)

"Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten
T error before?"

"No," replied Judy.

"Write it down," he
said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

(She
wrote...)

I D 1 0 T

I overheard a woman in a
computer store
say to the sales assistant "I want a game capable of holding
the
interest of my six-year-old, but it's got to be simple enough for
his
father to play, too."

Yeltsin, Clinton and Bill Gates were invited

to have dinner with God. During dinner he told them: I need three

important people to send my message out to all the people: "Tomorrow
I will
destroy the earth."

Yeltsin immediately called
together his cabinet and told them: "I have
two really bad news items for
you:
1) God really exists and
2) Tomorrow He will destroy the
earth."

Clinton called an emergency meeting of the Senate and
Congress and told
them: "I have good news and bad news:
1) The GOOD
news is that God really does exist
2) The BAD news is, tomorrow He is
going to destroy the earth."

Bill Gates went back to Microsoft
and very happily announced: "I have
two fantastic
announcements:
1) I am one of the three most important people on earth
2) The Year
2000 problem is solved."

Q: How many programmers does it take to

screw in a light bulb?

A: None, that's a hardware problem.