Jokes Collection

A Software Engineer, a
Hardware Engineer and a Branch
Manager were on their way to a meeting.
They were driving down a
steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes
on their car failed. The
car careened almost out of control down the
road, bouncing off the
crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a
halt scraping
along the mountainside. The car's occupants, shaken but
unhurt, now
had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a
car with
no brakes. What were they to do?

"I know," said the Branch
Manager, "Let's have a meeting, propose a
Vision, formulate a Mission
Statement, define some Goals, and by a
process of Continuous
Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems,
and we can be on our
way."

"No, no," said the Hardware Engineer, "That will take far
too long,
and besides, that method has never worked before. I
've got my Swiss
Army knife with me, and in no time at all I can
strip down the car's
braking system, isolate the fault, fix it,
and we can be on our way."

"Well," said the Software Engineer,
"Before we do anything, I think
we should push the car back up the
road and see if it happens
again."

Tech Support: "Which format are the images you
send?"
Customer: "Rectangular, 15x11 centimeters."

Customer: "It says I've performed an

illegal operation and will be shut down. Have I done something

wrong?"

Customer: "Why didn't you tell me I have

call waiting?"
Tech Support: "Sir, we have no way of knowing if you
have call
waiting."
Customer: "Well, you should ask everybody!"

Tech Support: "Do you have call waiting?"
Customer: "What's
that?"

Customer: "Wait, that
password looks
really gray. I'm going to type it in again."

Customer: "I've been doing risk analysis by
hand for
five years, and we finally got your program so we could do
it
automatically -- but there's a bug in it. The answers come out
differently each
time."
Tech Support: "Sir, are you aware that
our program uses Monte-Carlo
analysis?"
Customer: "Of course I
am. That's why I bought it."
Tech Support: "Sir, do you know what
Monte-Carlo analysis does?"
Customer: "Don't get rude with me, of
course I do."
Tech Support: "Put briefly, sir, it runs through your
project several
times, throwing random delays in, and at the end it
averages out the
results."
Customer: "I know all that -- what I
want to know is why it keeps
giving me different answers every time
I run it."

Customer: "Hi, I'm
supposed to pack [zip]
my database and send it to you. What should I
pack it in?"

Customer: "My disk is stuck in my disk drive.
Clicking eject
doesn't work."
Tech Support: "Ok, turn the
power to your Mac off, hold down the mouse
clicker, and power the Mac
back up."
Customer: "Look, I don't have three hands!"

Me: "What is that noise?"
Customer: "Hey
Martinez!! I'm on the phone! Cut it out!"
Me: "What was that?"

Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Customer: "It's from a device."

Me: "What kind of device?"
Customer: "I don't know."
Me:
"Like a fax machine or something?"
Customer: "I don't know. Someone
is under house arrest or
something."

Tech Support: "How may I help you today, sir?"

Customer: "Hello...hey, er...I think I've got the wrong software

installed in my computer."
Tech Support: "Why is that, sir?"

Customer: "I bought this minitower system from you, and it came loaded

with software called the 'XYZ Desktop'."
Tech Support:
"Yes...?"
Customer: "Shouldn't it be called the 'XYZ Minitower'? I
OBVIOUSLY
have the wrong software installed in this computer."

Student: "Would it be possible to
install
Arabic language support on those computers?"
Computer Teacher: "In
order to use Arabic language in Windows, you
must install an Arabic
graphic card. So I don't think we could do
that."

Customer:
"How do I print my
voicemail?"

Many people in computer labs will assure

you, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that they were doing everything

correctly, and it still wasn't working, only to make you get up from your
nice
comfy seat to walk over to the other side of the room and do
it
yourself. Invariably, after it works the first time for you, the
response is,
"THAT'S WHAT I TYPED THE FIRST TIME!" Obviously
not.

Another customer called Tech Support to say

her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the
unit,
plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something
to
happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power
switch, she
asked "What power switch?"

An exasperated caller to Tech Support
couldn't get her new
computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was
plugged in, the
technician asked her what happened when she pushed
the power button. Her
response "I pushed and pushed on this foot
pedal and nothing happens."
The "foot pedal" turned out to be the
computer's mouse.

A
technician received a call from a
customer who was enraged because his computer
had told him he was "bad
and invalid". The tech explained that the
computer's "bad" and
"invalid" responses shouldn't be taken
personally.

A customer called
to complain that his
keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by
filling up his tub
with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day,
then he
removed all the keys and washed them individually.

A customer
needed help setting up a new
program, so the technician suggested he go
to the local Egghead.
"Yeah, I got me a couple of friends," the man
said. When told Egghead
was a software store, the man said, "Oh, I
thought you meant for me
to find a couple of geeks."

A customer called to say he couldn't get his

computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the

technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by

holding it in front of the screen and pressing the "send" key.

A technician advised his customer to put his
troubled floppy
back in the drive and close the door. The customer
put the disk in, asked
the tech to hold on, and was heard putting
the phone down, getting up
and closing the door to his room.