Jokes Collection

A customer was asked to send a
copy of her
defective diskettes to the technician. A few days later a
letter
arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of her

diskettes.

A technician received a call from a man
complaining that the
system wouldn't read word processing files from his
old diskettes. After
trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed
to diagnose the problem,
it was found that the customer labeled the
diskettes then rolled them
into his typewriter to type the
labels.

Technical support had a
caller complaining
that her mouse was hard to control with the dust
cover on. The
cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was
packaged in.

Computers manufacturer is considering changing

the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the

flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.

The Three
Laws of Secure
Computing

1) Don't buy a computer.
2) If you do buy a computer, don't plug
it in.
3) If you do plug it in, sell it and return to step 1.

Why did
the school bully kick the
classroom computer?
Someone told him he was supposed to boot up the
system.

Webster's Dictionary definition of Windows
95

Windows95: n.

32 bit extensions and a graphical shell
for a 16 bit patch to an 8 bit
operating system originally coded for
a 4 bit microprocessor, written
by a 2 bit company, that can't
stand 1 bit of competition.

While trying to diagnose a
problem over
the phone I told the user to type out his autoexec.bat file.

He
said it said "File not found".

I told him to do a dir.

I
asked him if he saw autoexec.bat listed.

He said, "Well it says
autoexec, then there's some spaces, but no
dot, and then it says
bat."

I said type this in "type autoexec.bat".

Again he got
"File not found".

I asked him to tell me exactly what he
typed.

He said, "I typed just what you told me: `type

autoexecdotbat'.

A person turned on the computer without a

keyboard plugged in.

When she turns on the computer, the
computer finds out that there is no
keyboard attached and it gives a
"Keyboard Error" message.

She then asks "Why did it give me a
keyboard error?

There isn't even a keyboard attached?

An office technician got a call from a

user. The user told the tech that her computer was not working. She

described the problem and the tech concluded that the computer needed to
be
brought in and serviced.

He told her to "Unplug the power
cord and bring it up here and I will
fix it."

About fifteen
minutes later she shows up at his door with the power
cord in her
hand.

Q: What happens if you cross a
midget and
a computer?
A: You get a short circut.

Q: What does a proud computer call his

little son?
A: A microchip off the old block.

A pilot, Michael Jordon, Bill
Gates, the
Pope, and a pizza delivery man were all in a plane together

traveling through stormy conditions.

Suddenly, the pilot came running
back to the passengers and announced
that lightning had hit the
plane, and they were going to crash in a
matter of minutes. "There are
only enough parachutes for four of the five
of us," he announced.
"Since I'm the pilot, I get one!" After
saying this, the pilot
grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane.

"I'm the world's
greatest athlete," proclaimed Michael Jordon.
"This world needs
great athletes, so I must live." Michael Jordon then
grabbed a
parachute and leaped out of the plane.

"I'm the smarest man in the
world," bragged Bill Gates. "The world
needs smart men, so I must also
live!" Bill Gates grabbed a parachute
and jumped out of the
plane.

At this point, the Pope began to speak. "I have lived a long
life
compared to you, and you may take the last parachute. I will
go down with
the plane."

"You don't have to stay here! The
world's smartest man jumped out of
the plane with my backpack."

Bill Gates suddenly dies and finds himself

face to face with God. God stood over Bill Gates and said, "Well Bill,

I'm really confused on this one. It's a tough decision; I'm not
sure
whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped
society
enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in
America, yet you
also created that ghastly Windows '95 among other
indiscretions. I
believe I'll do something I've never done before;
I'll let you decide
where you want to go."

Bill pushed up
his glasses, looked up at God and replied, "Could you
briefly
explain the difference between the two?" Looking slightly
puzzled, God
said, "Better yet, why don't I let you visit both places
briefly,
then you can make your decision. Which do you choose to see first,

Heaven or Hell?"

Bill played with his pocket protector for a
moment, then looked back at
God and said, "I think I'll try Hell f
irst." So, with a flash of
lightning and a cloud of smoke, Bill
Gates went to Hell.

When he materialized in Hell, Bill looked
around. It was a beautiful
and clean place, a bit warm, with sandy
beaches and tall mountains, clear
skies, pristine water, and beautiful
women frolicking about. A smile
came across Bill's face as he took
in a deep breath of the clean air.
"This is great," he thought, "if
this is Hell, I can't wait to see
heaven."

Within seconds
of his thought, another flash of lightning and a cloud
of smoke
appeared, and Bill was off to Heaven. Heaven was a place high
above the
clouds, where angels were drifting about playing their harps
and
singing in a beautiful chorus. It was a very nice place, Bill

thought, but not as enticing as Hell.

Bill looked up, cupped his hands
around his mouth and yelled for God
and Bill Gates was sent to Hell
for eternity.

Time passed, and God decided to check on t
he late billionaire to see
how he was progressing in Hell. When he
got there, he found Bill Gates
shackled to a wall in a dark cave
amid bone thin men and tongues of fire,
being burned and tortured by
demons.

"So, how is everything going?" God asked.

Bill
responded with a crackling voice filled with anguish and

disappointment, "This is awful! It's nothing like the Hell I visited the first

time!! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to the other

place....with the beaches and the mountains and the beautiful
women?

"That was the demo," replied God.

A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a
Branch
Manager were on their way to a meeting. They were driving
down a steep
mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car
failed. The car careened
almost out of control down the road, bouncing
off the crash barriers,
until it miraculously ground to a halt
scraping along the mountainside.
The car's occupants, shaken but
unhurt, now had a problem: they were
stuck halfway down a mountain in a
car with no brakes. What were they to
do?

"I know," said the
Branch Manager, "Let's have a meeting, propose a
Vision, formulate
a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a
process of
Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems,
and we
can be on our way."

"No, no," said the Hardware Engineer, "That
will take far too long,
and besides, that method has never worked
before. I've got my Swiss
Army knife with me, and in no time a
t all I can strip down the car's
braking system, isolate the
fault, fix it, and we can be on our way."

"Well," said the Software
Engineer, "Before we do anything, I think
we should push the car
back up the road and see if it happens
again."

One of Microsoft's finest
technicans was
drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he
was given
some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots
at the
target. The report came from the target area that all attempts
had
completely missed the target.

The technician looked at his
rifle, and then at the target. He looked
at the rifle again, and then at
the target again. He put his finger over
the end of the rifle
barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other
hand. The end of his
finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the
target area,
"It's leaving here just fine, the trouble must be at
your end!"

What did
Bill Gate's wife say to him on
their wedding night?

No wonder you called the company
Microsoft

Q: How does Bill Gates screw in a lightbulb?


A: He doesn't. He declares darkness the industry standard.

Q: What is the difference between Windows 95

and Windows 98?

A: 3 years

I heard that
if you play the Windows NT
4.0 CD backwards, you'll get a satanic
message. But the most
frightening thing is that if you play it forward, it
installs NT 4.0!