Jokes Collection

Why was there a bug in the computer?
It was
looking for a byte to eat.

What happened when the computer fell on the
floor?
It slipped a disk.

What is an
astronaut's favorite key on a
computer keyboard?
The space bar.

Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help

you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with
WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all
of a sudden the words went
away."

"Went away?"

"They
disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like
now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank; it won't accept
anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you
get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C: prompt on
the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind. Can you
move the cursor around on the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor,
I told you, it won't accept anything I
type."

"Does your
monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a
monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it

have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't
know."

"Well then, look on the back of the monitor and find
where the power
cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

"Yes, I
think so."

"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if
it's plugged into
the wall."

"... ...Yes, it
is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two

cables plugged into the back of it, not just
one?"

"No."


"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the

other cable."

"... ...Okay, here it is."

"Follow it
for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back
of your
computer."

"I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see
if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on
something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have
the right angle - it's because
it's
dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming i
n
from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light
then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a
power outage."

"A power... A power outage? Ah, Okay, we've got it
licked now. Do you
still have the boxes and manuals and packing
stuff your computer came
in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the
closet."

"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up
just like it
was when you got it. Then take it back to the store
you bought it
from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes,
I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I
tell them?"

"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

If Microsoft built cars you would need to
restart your car,
then it would perform illegal operations and
crash.

A
tech support employee once received a
call from a disgruntled lady who
had purchase one of their PCs.


"The cup holder on my computer broke! I just got some coffee and put

it in the cup holder and then it broke, and the coffee spilled all
over
me! I want a replacement!"

The employee was a little
confused and didn't know what to say. He
finally asked her to
describe the cup holder to him...he'd never heard of
his company
selling in-computer cup holders.

So the lady went on to describe the
cup holder to him. "Well, it pops
out of the little box when I push
a button, and it has 40x written on
it..."

This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer
load of
computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees
a big sign on the
door saying:

"Nerds Not Allowed -- Enter
At Your Own Risk!"

He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes
over to him.
"You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a
living?"

"I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I'm

hauling."

"Okay, truck drivers are not nerds," he says and
serves him a beer.
As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in
with tape around his
glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds
of pens and pencils, and a
belt at least a foot too long. The
bartender, without saying a word,
pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy
away. The truck driver is totally
shocked.

"Why did you do
that?"

"Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley
and are in
season now. You don't even need a license."

r
The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and
heads
back onto the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident,
and the
load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill
out all over
the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already
forming, grabbing up
the computers.They are all engineers,
accountants, and programmers
wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever
seen!

He can't let them steal his whole load. So, remembering what
happened
in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away,
felling
several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes
zooming up and
jumps out of the car screaming at him to
stop.

"What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season," says the truck

driver.
"Well, sure," says the patrolman. "But you can't bait 'em!"

What do you get if you cross a constable with
a computer?
PC Plod.

Q: Why didn't Intel call the Pentium the
586?
A: Because they added 486 and 100 on the first Pentium and got

585.999983605.

Q: What algorithm did Intel use in the
Pentium's
floating point divider?
A: "Life is like a box of
chocolates..." (Source: F. Gump of
Intel)

Q: Complete the following word analogy:

Add is to Subtract as Multiply is to: 1) Divide 2) ROUND 3) RANDOM 4)

On a Pentium, all of the above
A: Number 4.

Q: What do you call a series of FDIV

instructions on a Pentium?
A: Successive approximations.

Q: What's another name for the "Intel Inside"

sticker they put on Pentiums?
A: The warning label.

Q: What do you get when you cross a Pentium PC

with a research grant?
A: A mad scientist.

Q: How many Pentium designers does it take to

screw in a light bulb?
A: 1.99904274017, but that's close
enough for non-technical people.

Five cannibals get appointed as programmers in
an IT company.

During the welcoming ceremony the boss says:
"You're all part of our
team now. You can earn good money here, and
you can go to the company
canteen for something to eat. So don't
trouble the other employees."

The cannibals promise not to trouble
the other employees.

Four weeks later the boss returns and says:
"You're all working very
hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of
you. One of our cleaners has
disappeared however. Do any of you
know what happened to her?"

The cannibals disavow all knowledge of
the missing cleaner. After the
boss has left, the leader of the
cannibals says to the others: "Which
of you idiots ate the
cleaner?"

A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals
says:
"You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Team Leaders,
Managers, and
Project Managers so no-one would notice anything,
and you have to go
and eat the cleaner!"

"This
little computer," said the sales
clerk, "will do half of your job for
you."

Studying the
machine, the senior VP said, "Fine, I'll take
two."

There are three engineers in a car; an
electrical
engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer.
Suddenly the car
just stops by the side of the road, and the three
engineers look at
each other wondering what could be wrong.

The
electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the
car
and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred. The chemical

engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is

becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.

Then, the
Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up
with
a suggestion, 'Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get

back in, open the windows again, and maybe it'll work !?'

After a caller gave a technician her PC's

serial number, he scanned a database of registered users and
responded,
"I see you have an Aptiva" desktop unit. Before he could say
another
word, the caller shrieked and said she'd be right back. When
the
customer returned, the technician asked if she was all right.
The caller
responded: "Had I realized you could see me, I never would
have telephoned
in my bathrobe."

A caller, perplexed that his new desktop
computer--the one that was
supposed to do everything short of bringing
on world peace - was doing
nothing, cried out for help. No problem,
the IBM technician said. First,
open a "window" to launch a
specific program. The conversation
continued, and the caller asked a few
moments later if it might be all right
to close the window. Why, the
IBM technician asked. Because, the caller
responded, it was getting
very chilly.