Jokes Collection

Once upon a time there was a beautiful oil
company.
All day long she loved to run up and down the share price
list, laughing
and skipping. But one day she was very sad, because
she couldn't find
an interim dividend anywhere and she knew people
would be very angry if
she couldn't produce it.

"What's
wrong, little oil company?" said a gruff voice nearby.

She looked
around and there was a funny little creature with
spectacles, a
bald patch and shaving cuts.

"I can't find a dividend," she said
and started crying again.

"Don't worry," said the creature. "I
can find you one."

"How?" said the oil company, "And who are
you?"

"I'm an accountant," he said. "As for how I do it, never you
mind
about that. But there's one condition. If I do find it for
you, you
must agree to let me stay with you."

"Yes, yes!" she
said, anxious only to get the dividend.

The accountant disap
peared into some books nearby and stayed there for
a while. She
could hear him muttering and tut-tutting and transferring
accounts.
Then he emerged and put his long sloping hand into hers.

"I've
found you a dividend," he said.

Her usual cheerfulness returned
in an instant and she rushed off to
tell her father, the Chairman.
She forgot all about the accountant until
he followed her in and
reminded her of her promise; despite all her
tears, her father
insisted that she keep her word and that night the little
accountant slept
on the floor beside her bed.

The next morning she opened her
eyes and to her amazement she saw the
accountant was exactly the same
as he had been before.

"I know what you're thinking," smiled
the accountant. "You're
quite right. Before I was changed into an
accountant I was a handsome young
man with a devil-may-care attitude
and considerable joie de vivre."

"Then change back!" said t
he oil company, clapping her hands.

"Are you crazy?" said the
accountant. "Handsome young men are two a
penny but clever, ugly
little accountants are worth their weight in
gold."

A business man was interviewing

applicants for the position of divisional manager. He devised a simple test to

select the most suitable person for the job. He asked each
applicant the
question, "What is two and two?"

The first interviewee
was a journalist. His answer was "Twenty-two."

The second was a
social worker. She said, "I don't know the answer
but I'm glad we
had time to discuss this important question."

The third
applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a slide rule and
showed the answer
to be between 3.999 and 4.001.

The next person was a lawyer. He
stated that in the case of Jenkins v
Commr of Stamp Duties (Qld),
two and two was proven to be four.

The last applicant was an
accountant. The business man asked him, "How
much is two and
two?"

The accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door and
closed
it then came back and sat down. He leaned across the desk
and said in a
low voice, "How much do you want it to
be?"

He got the job.

Mr Evans was the Chief Accountant of a large
manufacturing concern.
Every day, on arriving at work, he would
unlock the top drawer of his
desk, peer at something inside, then
close and lock the drawer. He had
done this for 25 years. The entire
staff was intrigued but no-one was
game to ask him what was in the
drawer. Finally the time came for Mr
Evans to retire. There was a
farewell party with speeches and a
presentation. As soon as Mr Evans
had left the building some of the staff rushed
into his office,
unlocked the top drawer and peered in. Taped to the
bottom of the
drawer was a sheet of paper. It read, "The debit side is
the one nearest
the window."

An auditor was examining the balance sheet

of a mining company that had just bought a sheep station in the
Pilbara
area of Western Australia. The reason for the purchase was
partly for
the thousands of acres that the station covered and partly
for the
thousands of sheep that ranged over those thousands of
acres. The auditor,
being very diligent, noted that the value of the
sheep formed a
significant asset and, like all good auditors, knew
that he would have to
verify that asset. He chartered an aircraft and
flew up to the station. The
manager was at the airstrip to meet
him.

"Hello," he said. "I'm the auditor. I've come to count the

sheep."

An auditor is checking the books of
an
airline. He is puzzled by the excess use of fuel on a Melbourne to

Canberra flight. He rings up the pilot and asks for an
explanation.

"It was late at night'" says the pilot, "Canberra was covered in

fog and I lost my bearings."

"I'm sorry," says the auditor,
"but you'll have to bear the cost
yourself."

"The cost of
what?" asks the pilot.

"Of the bearings you lost."

The managing partner in an accounting firm

is very annoyed with one of his junior partners and has called him
in
to chastise him.

"How could you possibly advise the client
in the way you did? That was
completely unethical. We are always
conscious of Ethics in this firm.
You do know what Ethics is don't
you?"

The young partner is offended. "Of course I know what
Ethics is. It's
a county in southern England."

The doctor comes to see his heart

transplant patient.

"This is good news. It is very unusual, but we
have two donors to
choose from for your new heart."

The patient
is pleased. He asks, "What were their jobs?"

"One was a teacher
and the other was an accountant."

"I'll take the accountant's
heart," says the patient. "I want one
that hasn't been used."

"The auditors have just left,

sir."

"Did they check the books?"

"Very thoroughly."

"What
did they say?"

"They want 15% to keep quiet."

Wife to husband as they watch their young

son playing:

"He's such a sensitive child. Let's wait until
he's older before we
tell him you're an accountant."

Accountant after reading nursery rhymes to
his young child:

"No, son. When Little Bo Peep lost her sheep
that wouldn't be tax
deductible, but I like your thinking".

The accountant had just read the story of
Cinderella to his
four-year-old daughter for the first time. The
little girl was fascinated
by the story, especially the part where the
pumpkin turns into a golden
coach. Suddenly she piped up, "Daddy,
when the pumpkin turned into a
golden coach, would that be classed
as income or a long-term capital
gain?"

A Martian lands to plunder,
pillage and
burn. He goes up to the owner of the first house he sees and
says,
"I'm a Martian just arrived from the other side of the galaxy.

We're here to destroy your civilisation, pillage and burn. What do you

think about that?"

The owner replies, "I don't have an
opinion. I'm a chartered
accountant."

A businessman hires a private detective to
find a missing
accountant.
The detective tells him that he needs
a description and asks a few
questions.
"Was he tall or was he
short?"
The businessman replies, "Both!"

A businessman tells his friend that his

company is looking for a new accountant.
His friend asks, "Didn't
your company hire a new accountant a few
weeks ago?"
The
businessman replies, "That's the accountant we're looking
for."

What's a shy and retiring

accountant?
An accountant who is half a million shy and that's why he's

retiring.

Who was the first accountant?
Adam. He
got interested in figures, turned the first leaf, made the
first
entry, lost interest after withdrawal, buggered up the monthly
accounts
and raised the first liability.

Laws of
Accounting
1. Trial balances
don't
2. Bank reconciliations never do
3. Working Capital does
not
4. Return on Investments never will

How many cost accountants does it
take
to change a light bulb?
Hmmm........I'll just do a few numbers and
get back to you

How many auditors does it take to change a

light bulb?
How many did it take last year?

Why did he cross back?
So he could charge
the client for travel expenses.