Jokes Collection
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Latest Jokes
What's an extroverted accountant?
One
who looks at your shoes while he's talking to you instead of his
own.
One
who looks at your shoes while he's talking to you instead of his
own.
Q: How many Accountants
does it take to
change a light bulb?
A: What sort of answer did you have in mind
?
A: None-just assume it's changed.
does it take to
change a light bulb?
A: What sort of answer did you have in mind
?
A: None-just assume it's changed.
A tourist, visiting a small town in
Israel, came upon a statue dedicated
to "The Unknown Soldier". At the
base of the statue, a sign was
displayed:
"Here lies Seymour
Ruthenberg".
The tourist inquired of one of the locals how was it
possible an
unknown
had a name.
The resident replied, "As a
soldier, that Seymour was pretty much
unknown,
but as an
accountant-Oy! He was something."
Israel, came upon a statue dedicated
to "The Unknown Soldier". At the
base of the statue, a sign was
displayed:
"Here lies Seymour
Ruthenberg".
The tourist inquired of one of the locals how was it
possible an
unknown
had a name.
The resident replied, "As a
soldier, that Seymour was pretty much
unknown,
but as an
accountant-Oy! He was something."
The young accounting graduate, fresh out of
uni and knowing everything, applied for his first job. The
prospective
employer asked him what starting salary he was looking
for.
"Oh, around $100,000 a year, depending on the benefits
package."
"Well, how does this sound? Five weeks annual leave, 22.5%
superannuation, paid expenses to overseas conferences every year, home
telephone
reimbursed and a company car replaced every 20,000
kilometres, say a
Mercedes convertible."
The graduate sat up straight
and tried not to look excited. "Wow. Are
you
kidding?"
"Yeah. But you started it."
uni and knowing everything, applied for his first job. The
prospective
employer asked him what starting salary he was looking
for.
"Oh, around $100,000 a year, depending on the benefits
package."
"Well, how does this sound? Five weeks annual leave, 22.5%
superannuation, paid expenses to overseas conferences every year, home
telephone
reimbursed and a company car replaced every 20,000
kilometres, say a
Mercedes convertible."
The graduate sat up straight
and tried not to look excited. "Wow. Are
you
kidding?"
"Yeah. But you started it."
A young accountant, straight out
of uni,
applies for a job advertised in the Sydney Morning Herald. He is
interviewed by the owner of a small business who has built it up from
scratch.
"I need someone with an accounting degree," says the
man, "but
mainly I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for
me."
"How do you mean?" says the accountant.
"I have lots of
things to worry about, but I want someone else to
worry about money
matters."
"OK," says the accountant. "How much are you
offering?"
"You can start on seventy-five thousand," says the
owner.
"Seventy-five thousand dollars. How can a business like this afford
to
pay so much?"
"That," says the man, "is your first
worry."
of uni,
applies for a job advertised in the Sydney Morning Herald. He is
interviewed by the owner of a small business who has built it up from
scratch.
"I need someone with an accounting degree," says the
man, "but
mainly I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for
me."
"How do you mean?" says the accountant.
"I have lots of
things to worry about, but I want someone else to
worry about money
matters."
"OK," says the accountant. "How much are you
offering?"
"You can start on seventy-five thousand," says the
owner.
"Seventy-five thousand dollars. How can a business like this afford
to
pay so much?"
"That," says the man, "is your first
worry."
An
internal auditor for a manufacturing
group was concerned about anomalies in
stock levels. He thought
someone might be pinching stock but he
couldn't prove it. He had his
eye on one shifty-looking individual who every
day drove his old
truck out of the factory with the load covered by a
tarpaulin. Time
after time the auditor stopped the bloke, made him
remove the
tarpaulin and then inspected the load. On every occasion there
was only
scrap metal in the truck which the driver said he was taking to
the
tip. On three occasions the auditor made the bloke remove the
tarpaulin and then unload the scrap in front of him, suspecting that there
might be stolen stock hidden underneath. Nothing. He could never
find
anything amiss.
After a few months of this the auditor was
offered a better job
elsewhere and resigned. A few weeks later he
was drinking in a pub when the
shifty character walked in. On a
n impulse the auditor went up to him and
said, "Look, I've left
the company, I'm not interested in taking it
any further and I
won't shop you, but I just have to know. What were
you
taking?"
And the bloke said "Tarpaulins."
internal auditor for a manufacturing
group was concerned about anomalies in
stock levels. He thought
someone might be pinching stock but he
couldn't prove it. He had his
eye on one shifty-looking individual who every
day drove his old
truck out of the factory with the load covered by a
tarpaulin. Time
after time the auditor stopped the bloke, made him
remove the
tarpaulin and then inspected the load. On every occasion there
was only
scrap metal in the truck which the driver said he was taking to
the
tip. On three occasions the auditor made the bloke remove the
tarpaulin and then unload the scrap in front of him, suspecting that there
might be stolen stock hidden underneath. Nothing. He could never
find
anything amiss.
After a few months of this the auditor was
offered a better job
elsewhere and resigned. A few weeks later he
was drinking in a pub when the
shifty character walked in. On a
n impulse the auditor went up to him and
said, "Look, I've left
the company, I'm not interested in taking it
any further and I
won't shop you, but I just have to know. What were
you
taking?"
And the bloke said "Tarpaulins."
Three partners
in an accounting firm go
out to lunch. They are the audit partner, the
tax partner and the
senior partner. One of them sees a brass lamp lying
in the gutter.
Curious, they pick it up and give it a rub. Instantly, a
genie
appears.
"You know the deal," says the genie. "Three wishes. But
seeing there
are three of you, you can have one wish
each."
"Great," says the audit partner. "Take me to the Whitsunday Islands,
give me a blonde and an endless supply of XXXX and leave me there for
ever."
Pouf! There is a flash of light, a puff of smoke and he
is gone.
"Now me," says the tax partner. "Take me to the Cook
Islands, give
me two blondes and an endless supply of offshore tax
schemes and leave
me there for ever."
Pouf! There is a flash
of light, a puff of smoke and he is gone.
The genie turns to the
senior partner. "And what do you want?"
"I want those two ba
ck in the office straight after lunch."
in an accounting firm go
out to lunch. They are the audit partner, the
tax partner and the
senior partner. One of them sees a brass lamp lying
in the gutter.
Curious, they pick it up and give it a rub. Instantly, a
genie
appears.
"You know the deal," says the genie. "Three wishes. But
seeing there
are three of you, you can have one wish
each."
"Great," says the audit partner. "Take me to the Whitsunday Islands,
give me a blonde and an endless supply of XXXX and leave me there for
ever."
Pouf! There is a flash of light, a puff of smoke and he
is gone.
"Now me," says the tax partner. "Take me to the Cook
Islands, give
me two blondes and an endless supply of offshore tax
schemes and leave
me there for ever."
Pouf! There is a flash
of light, a puff of smoke and he is gone.
The genie turns to the
senior partner. "And what do you want?"
"I want those two ba
ck in the office straight after lunch."
An
accountant goes into a pet shop to
buy a parrot. The shop owner shows
him three identical parrots on a
perch and says, "The parrot on the
left costs $500."
"Why
does that parrot cost so much?" asks the accountant.
"Well,"
replies the owner, "it knows how to do complex audits."
"How much does
the middle parrot cost?" asks the accountant.
"That one costs
$1,000 because it can do everything the first one can
do plus it
knows how to prepare financial forecasts".
The startled accountant
asks about the third parrot, to be told it
costs $4,000. Needless to
say, this begs the question, "What can it do?"
To which the
owner replies "To be honest, I've never seen him do a
darn thing, but
the other two call him Senior Partner."
accountant goes into a pet shop to
buy a parrot. The shop owner shows
him three identical parrots on a
perch and says, "The parrot on the
left costs $500."
"Why
does that parrot cost so much?" asks the accountant.
"Well,"
replies the owner, "it knows how to do complex audits."
"How much does
the middle parrot cost?" asks the accountant.
"That one costs
$1,000 because it can do everything the first one can
do plus it
knows how to prepare financial forecasts".
The startled accountant
asks about the third parrot, to be told it
costs $4,000. Needless to
say, this begs the question, "What can it do?"
To which the
owner replies "To be honest, I've never seen him do a
darn thing, but
the other two call him Senior Partner."
A man walking along a country road comes
across a farmer droving a huge mob of sheep. He stops and chats for a
while and then says, "Tell you what, I'll bet you $100 against one
of
your sheep that I can tell you the exact number in that
flock."
The farmer thinks for a moment, it is a big mob and he can't
see how
anyone could guess correctly so he says, "OK. You're
on."
"Nine hundred and thirty two," says the man.
The farmer
takes off his hat and scratches his head. "I don't know
how you did
it but that's exactly right. A bet's a bet. Take any
sheep."
The man picks up an animal and is about to walk off when the farmer
says, "Hang on. Bet you double or nothing that I can guess your
occupation."
The man thinks, "How would he know, he's never met
me before" and
says "Righto. You're on".
The farmer says,
"You're an auditor with a Big Four firm."
The man whistles
. "How the heck did you know that?"
"Well," says the farmer,
"put my dog down and I'll tell you."
across a farmer droving a huge mob of sheep. He stops and chats for a
while and then says, "Tell you what, I'll bet you $100 against one
of
your sheep that I can tell you the exact number in that
flock."
The farmer thinks for a moment, it is a big mob and he can't
see how
anyone could guess correctly so he says, "OK. You're
on."
"Nine hundred and thirty two," says the man.
The farmer
takes off his hat and scratches his head. "I don't know
how you did
it but that's exactly right. A bet's a bet. Take any
sheep."
The man picks up an animal and is about to walk off when the farmer
says, "Hang on. Bet you double or nothing that I can guess your
occupation."
The man thinks, "How would he know, he's never met
me before" and
says "Righto. You're on".
The farmer says,
"You're an auditor with a Big Four firm."
The man whistles
. "How the heck did you know that?"
"Well," says the farmer,
"put my dog down and I'll tell you."
There once was an accountant who lived her whole life
without
ever taking advantage of any of the people she worked for. In
fact, she
made sure that every job she did resulted in a win-win
situation.
One day while walking down the street she was
tragically hit by a bus
and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where
she was met at the
Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.
"Welcome
to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in
though it
seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never
once
had an accountant make it this far and we're not really sure what
to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in." said the
accountant. "Well, I'd like
to, but I have higher orders. What we're
going to do is let you have a
day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then
you can choose whichever one
you want to spend an eternity in
."
"Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay
in
Heaven"
"Sorry, we have rules..."
And with that
St. Peter put the accountant in an elevator and it went
down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and the accountant found
herself
stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In
the
distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her
friends - fellow accountants that she had worked with and they were
all
dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her.
They ran
up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old
times.
They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the
country
club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner.
She met
the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute)
and she had a
great time telling jokes and dancing. The accountant
was having such a
good time that before she knew it, it was ti
me to leave. Everybody
shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got
on the elevator.
The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up
at the Pearly Gates and
found St. Peter waiting for her. "Now it's
time to spend a day in
heaven."
So the accountant spent the
next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and
playing the harp and
singing. She had a great time and before she knew
it her 24 hours
were up and St. Peter came and got her.
"So, you've spent a day in
hell and you've spent a day in heaven.
Now you must choose your
eternity."
The accountant paused for a second and then replied,
"Well, I never
thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really
great and all, but
I think I had a better time in Hell."
So
St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again the accountant went
down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened
she
found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in
garbage and
filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and
were picking up the
garbage and putting it in sacks.
The
Devil came up to her and put his arm around her. "I don't
understand,"
stammered the accountant, "Yesterday I was here and there was a
golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had
a great time. Now all there is is a wasteland of garbage and all my
friends look miserable."
The Devil looked at her and smiled.
"That's because yesterday you
were a recruit, but today you're
staff."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An
accountant applies for the position of Chief Financial Officer.
There are a number of candidates and he is called in for an interview.
They
ask him a number of questions and one of the panel suddenly says
"What
is nine multiplied by four?"
He thinks quickly and
says "Thirty five." When the in
terview is over
he goes outside, takes out his calculator and
finds the correct answer
is not thirty five. He thinks "Well, I blew
that" and goes home very
disappointed.
Next day he is rung up
and told he has got the job. "Wonderful," he
says, "but what about
nine multiplied by four? My answer wasn't
right"
"We know,
but of all the candidates you came the closest."
without
ever taking advantage of any of the people she worked for. In
fact, she
made sure that every job she did resulted in a win-win
situation.
One day while walking down the street she was
tragically hit by a bus
and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where
she was met at the
Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.
"Welcome
to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in
though it
seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never
once
had an accountant make it this far and we're not really sure what
to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in." said the
accountant. "Well, I'd like
to, but I have higher orders. What we're
going to do is let you have a
day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then
you can choose whichever one
you want to spend an eternity in
."
"Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay
in
Heaven"
"Sorry, we have rules..."
And with that
St. Peter put the accountant in an elevator and it went
down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and the accountant found
herself
stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In
the
distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her
friends - fellow accountants that she had worked with and they were
all
dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her.
They ran
up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old
times.
They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the
country
club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner.
She met
the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute)
and she had a
great time telling jokes and dancing. The accountant
was having such a
good time that before she knew it, it was ti
me to leave. Everybody
shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got
on the elevator.
The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up
at the Pearly Gates and
found St. Peter waiting for her. "Now it's
time to spend a day in
heaven."
So the accountant spent the
next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and
playing the harp and
singing. She had a great time and before she knew
it her 24 hours
were up and St. Peter came and got her.
"So, you've spent a day in
hell and you've spent a day in heaven.
Now you must choose your
eternity."
The accountant paused for a second and then replied,
"Well, I never
thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really
great and all, but
I think I had a better time in Hell."
So
St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again the accountant went
down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened
she
found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in
garbage and
filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and
were picking up the
garbage and putting it in sacks.
The
Devil came up to her and put his arm around her. "I don't
understand,"
stammered the accountant, "Yesterday I was here and there was a
golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had
a great time. Now all there is is a wasteland of garbage and all my
friends look miserable."
The Devil looked at her and smiled.
"That's because yesterday you
were a recruit, but today you're
staff."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An
accountant applies for the position of Chief Financial Officer.
There are a number of candidates and he is called in for an interview.
They
ask him a number of questions and one of the panel suddenly says
"What
is nine multiplied by four?"
He thinks quickly and
says "Thirty five." When the in
terview is over
he goes outside, takes out his calculator and
finds the correct answer
is not thirty five. He thinks "Well, I blew
that" and goes home very
disappointed.
Next day he is rung up
and told he has got the job. "Wonderful," he
says, "but what about
nine multiplied by four? My answer wasn't
right"
"We know,
but of all the candidates you came the closest."
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