Jokes Collection

Fred and his wife Edna went to the state

fair every year. Every year Fred would say, "Edna, I'd like to ride in

that there airplane." And
every year Edna would say, "I know
Fred, but that airplane ride costs
ten dollars, and ten dollars is
ten dollars."

One year Fred and Edna went to the fair and Fred
said, "Edna, I'm 71
years old. If I don't ride that airplane this
year I may never get
another chance." Edna replied, "Fred that there
airplane ride costs ten
dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."


The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a
deal.
I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the
entire
ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you
say one word
it's ten
dollars."

Fred and Edna agreed
and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists
and turns, rolls
and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his
tricks over
again, but still not a word.

They land and the pilot turns to
Fred, "By golly, I did everything
could think of to get you to yell
out, but you didn't."

Fred replied, "Well, I was gonna say
something when Edna fell out, but
ten dollars is ten dollars."

A man named Mr. Smith was
flying from San
Francisco to LA.
Unexpectedly the plane stopped in Sacramento along
the way. The flight
attendant explained that there would be a
delay, and if the passengers
wanted to get off the aircraft, the plane
would re-board in 30 minutes.
Everybody got off the plane except one
gentleman who was blind. Mr.
Smith had noticed him as he walked by
and could tell the blind man had
flown before because his Seeing
Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats
in front of him throughout
the entire flight.

Mr. Smith could also tell he had flown this
very flight before because
the pilot approached him, and calling him
by name, said Keith, we're
in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would
you like to get off and stretch
your legs?"

Keith replied,
"No thanks, but maybe the dog would like to stretch his
legs".


Now, picture this: All the people in the gate area came to
a complete
quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot
walk off the
plane with the Seeing Eye dog!

The pilot was
even wearing sunglasses.

People scattered. They not only tried
to change planes, but they were
trying to change airlines!

An award should go to the United Airlines gate
agent in
Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point,
when confronted
with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as
cargo. During the final
days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a
crowded United flight was
canceled.

A single agent was rebooking
a long line of inconvenienced travelers.
Suddenly, an angry
passenger pushed his way to the desk.

He slapped his ticket down on the
counter and said, "I HAVE to be on
this flight and it has to be
FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to
try to help you,
but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm
sure we'll be able
to work something out."

The passenger
was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers
behind him
could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"

Without hesitating,
the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public
address microp
hone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her
voice
bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the

gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his

identity, please come to gate 17."

With the folks behind him in
line laughing hysterically, the man glared
at the United agent,
gritted his teeth and swore "F--- you."

Without flinching, she smiled
and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll
have to stand in line for
that, too."

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport.

After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made
an
announcement over the intercom,

"Ladies and gentlemen,
this is your captain speaking. Welcome to
Flight Number 293, nonstop
from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead
is good and
therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now
sit back and
relax - OH MY GOD!"

Silence.

Then, the captain came back
on the intercom and said,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I
scared you earlier, but
while I was talking, the flight-attendant
brought me a cup of coffee and
spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You
should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Coach said,
"That's nothing. You should see the back
of mine!"

One day at a busy
airport, the passengers
on a commercial
airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to
show
up so they can get underway.

The pilot and copilot
finally appear in the rear of the plane,
and begin walking up to the
cockpit through the center aisle.

Both appear to be blind.


The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right
and
left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the copilot is using
a guide
dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge
sunglasses.

At
first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be
some sort
of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the
engines start
revving and the airplane starts moving down the
runway.

The
passengers look at each other with some uneasiness,
whispering among
themselves and looking desperately to the
stewardesses for
reassurance.

Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people
begin
panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane
gets
closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are
becoming
more and more hysterical.

Finally, when the airplane has
less than 20 feet of runway left,
there is a sudden change in the
pitch of the shouts as everyone
screams at once, and at the very last
moment the airplane lifts
off and is airborne.

Up in the
cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and
turns to the pilot:
"You know, one of these days the passengers
aren't going to scream,
and we're gonna get killed!

No flight ever leaves on time unless you are
running
late and need the
delay to make the flight.

If you
are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest
gate
within the terminal.

If you arrive very early for a flight, it
inevitably will be delayed.

Flights never leave from Gate #1 at
any terminal in the world.

If you must work on your flight, you
will experience turbulence as soon
as
you touch pen to paper. Or
start to drink your coffee.

If you are assigned a middle seat,
you can determine who has the seats
on
the aisle and the window
while you are still in the boarding area. Just
look for the two
largest passengers.

Only passengers seated in window seats ever have
to get up to go to the
lavatory.

The crying baby on board is
always seated next to you.

The best-looking woman/man on your
flight is never seated next to you.

The less carry-on luggag
e space available on an aircraft, the more
carry-on luggage
passengers will bring aboard.

There were three guys in an
airplane. One
guy dropped
a rock, another dropped a brick, and the last
dropped
a grenade.

When they got back on the ground they were
walking
down the street and they saw a woman crying. Being the
gentlemen
they are they went up to ask her why she was
crying she said "A rock
fell from the sky, landed on my
cat and now my cat is dead." The men
said they were very
sorry to here that and walked away.

The
next house they came across a little further down
the road there was
another woman crying. Being the
gentlemen they are they walk up to
her and asked her why
she was crying she said "A brick fell from the
sky, land-
ed on my dog , and now my dog is dead." The men said

they were very sorry to hear that and walked away.

The next
house they came across a little further
down the road there was a man
laughing his head off.
Wondering what was so funny they went up
to ask him.
After they asked him he replied, "I bent over to get

the news paper this morning , I farted and my whole
house blew
up!"

An airplane was losing altitude
over the
Rocky Mountains. The pilot over
the intercom said that the entire
luggage needed to be thrown overboard
if they were to
survive.


After all the luggage was thrown the plane was still going down so
they
asked for volunteers. A man from Paris went to the door and
said,
"Viva
la France." Next a preacher went to the door and said,
"Lord forgive
me
for what I must do." Finally a rich Texas cattle
rancher said, "Well
guess I got to do my part," and he grabbed two
Mexicans and tossed
them
out and yelled, "Remember the Alamo!.

Michael Jackson, Bill Clinton and Nelson

Mandela are in an airplane with
20 kids. The airplane gets a failure
and is doomed to crash. The plane
has
only 20 parachutes. Nelson
Mandela, as a great humanitarian says that
children should have
them. Bill Clinton gets panicky and shouts,
"SCREW
THE CHILDREN!!"
Michael Jackson's face lights up and he shouts,
"YES,
YES!!
But do we have enough time?"

A mother and her son were
flying
"Southwest Airlines" from Kansas to
Chicago. The son (who had been looking
out the window) turned to his
mother and said, "If big dogs have baby
dogs and big cats have baby
cats,
why don't big planes have
baby planes?" The mother (who couldn't
think of
an answer) told
her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the
stewardess, "If
big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats,
why
don't
big planes have baby planes?" The stewardess asked, "Did your
mother
tell you to ask me?" He said that his mother had. So the
stewardess
said, "Tell your mother that Southwest always pulls out on
time."

At one of the packed, Delta ticket counters
all of ticket
agents were
doing their best to politely process
each passenger as quickly as they
could. A man toward the end of the
snaking line of passengers was
obviously impatient and very
frustrated at having to wait so long in
the
slow moving line. He
finally decided to march right up to the counter
pulling his wheeled
suitcase and demanded that he be given his boarding
pass. The ticket
agent turned, looked at him, blinked, took a shallow,
deep breath
and said, "Sir, as you can see there are many passengers
ahead
of
you. We are doing our best to process the passengers as fast as we

can. I'm afraid you'll have to get back in line". Outraged and red

in the
face, the man yelled at the ticket agent saying, "Do you
know who I
am ???!!!." The ticket agent turned, looked at him,
blinked, took
another
shallow, deep breath, picked up the publi
c address system microphone
and
said calmly, "There is a man
at the Delta ticket counter who does not
know
who he is. Anyone
who may be able to identify this man is asked to
please
step
forward and identify him. Thank you".

An airline stewardess was giving the standard

safety briefing to the
passengers. She had just finished saying
'In the event of a water
landing,
your seat cushion may be
used as a flotation device,' when a man
remarked, "Hey! If the plane
can't fly, why should I believe the seat
can
float?"

Delta Airlines recently
introduced a
special half-fare rate for wives
accompanying their husbands on business
trips. Anticipating some
valuable testimonials, the publicity
department of the airline sent out
letters to all the wives of
businessmen who used the special rates,
asking how they enjoyed their trip.
Responses are still pouring in
asking, "What trip?"

Southwest Airlines makes humor a high

priority. Here are some
actual humorous statements by airline flight
crews:

"Good morning. As we leave Dallas, it`s warm, the sun is
shining,
and the birds are singing. We are going to Charlotte, where
it`s
dark, windy and raining. Why in the world y`all wanna go there
I
can`t imagine."

"As we prepare for takeoff, please make
sure your tray tables and
seat backs are fully upright in their most
uncomfortable position."

"Your seat cushions can be used for
floatation, and in the event of
an emergency water landing, please
take them with our compliments."

"We do feature a smoking section
on this flight; if you must smoke,
contact a member of the flight
crew and we will escort you to a seat
outside on the wing of the
airplane."

"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person
caught smoking
in the lavatories will be asked to leave the p
lane immediately."

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover,
but there are only 4
ways out of this airplane..."

"If you
are so lucky to be traveling with small children..."

Flight
attendant: To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into
the
buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt,
and

if you don`t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn`t be out
in
public unsupervised.

In the event of a sudden loss of
cabin pressure, oxygen masks will
descend from the ceiling. Stop
screaming, grab the mask, and pull it
over your face. If you have a
small child traveling with you, secure
your mask before assisting with
theirs. If you are traveling with two
small children, decide now
which one you love more."

"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen
masks will drop from the
overhead area. Please place the bag over
your own mouth and nose before
assisting children or adults ac
ting like children."

Pilot: "We are pleased to have some of
the best flight attendants
in the industry...Unfortunately none of
them are on this flight...!

Pilot: "Folks, we have reached our
cruising altitude now, so I am
going to switch the seat belt sign
off. Feel free to move about as you
wish, but please stay inside the
plane till we land... it`s a bit cold
outside, and if you walk on
the wings it affects the flight pattern."

At the end of a flight:
"Our flight attendants are now walking
through the aisles with
trash receptacles for any garbage you might
have
or anything else
that you might wanna give us!"
As the plane landed and was coming to
a stop at Washington
National, a lone voice comes over the
loudspeaker:
"Whoa, big fella...WHOA..!"

"As you exit the plane,
please make sure to gather all of your
belongings. Anything left
behind will be distributed evenly among the
flight attendants. Pl
ease do not leave children or spouses."

"Last one off the
plane must clean it."

During the heat of the space race in the
1960's, the U.S.
National
Aeronautics and Space Administration
decided it needed a ballpoint pen
to
write in the zero gravity
confines of its space capsules. After
considerable research and
development, the Astronaut Pen was developed
at
a cost of about $1
million U.S. The pen worked and also enjoyed some
modest success as a
novelty item back here on Earth. The Soviet Union,
faced with the
same problem, used a pencil.

An
employee of USAir with the last name of
Gay boarded a USAir flight with
a free travel voucher. Soon after
he sat down, someone else came and
claimed he had the same seat
assignment, so Mr. Gay moved down do an
empty
seat. Soon after that
the airplane began to fill up. The rule with the
USAir employee
vouchers is that if a paying customer needs your seat,
you
have to
surrender it. So when the flight became completely full and
still

more needed to get on, a flight attendant went to the original seat
of
Mr.
Gay and said the man now sitting there, "Excuse me, are
you Gay?''
The
man, somewhat stunned, said, "Well, yes, as a
matter of fact I am!''
The
flight attendant said, "I'm sorry,
but you'll have to get off the
plane.''
At this point Mr.
Gay, who had been watching all of this, jumped up and
said, "Excuse
me, you've made a mistake--I'm Gay!'' Finally,
another m
an
jumped up and said, "Well, hell, I'm gay too! They can't
throw us
all
off!''

The Captain was
Jewish, and the new First
Officer was Chinese. It was the
first time they had flown together,
and it was obvious by the silence
that
they didn't get
along.

After 30 minutes, the Captain finally spoke. He said, " I don't
like
Chinese. "

The F.O. replied, " Ooooh, no like Chinese?
Why is that? "

The Captain said, " You bombed Pearl Harbor.
That's why I don't like
Chinese. "

The F.O. said, " Nooooo,
noooo ... Chinese not bomb Pearl Harbah. That
JAPANESE, not Chinese.
"

And the Captain answered, " Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese ...
it
doesn't
matter. They're all alike. "

Another 30
minutes of silence.

Finally the First Officer said, " No like Jew.
"

The Captain replied, " Why not? Why don't you like Jews?
"

" Jews sink Titanic. " Said the F.O.

The Captain tried to
correct him, " No, no. The Jews didn't sink the
Titanic. It
was an iceberg. "

" Iceberg, Goldberg, Rosenberg .. no mattah
.. all same "

A young lady was conducting a study in to
human sexual
behavior. She came
to the conclusion that the best
place to find participants for the
survey
would be the airport.
After three hours of questioning passengers, she
sees a pilot walking
to his gate. Having heard of the reputation of
pilots
she stops
him "Excuse me, Captain" she says, "I am doing a survey on
human

sexuality...I was wondering if you could answer a few questions..."

The
pilot agrees, and the young lady starts questioning him.
After three
questions, she asks him "...and when was the last time you
had sex?".
Straight away the Captain replies "1959". The girl was
shocked. She
looks
at the captain and asks "1959 isn't that a
long time ago?". "Oh"
the pilot
replies "I guess so...but it's
only 2015 now..."

A man is flying from Los Angeles to New York.

During the meal service, he
accidentally knocked the spoon off
to the aisle with his elbow. The
flight
attendant immediately
took a spoon from his pocket and placed it on his
tray table. The
man was very impressed by the promptness of the service
and

asked, "Do all flight attendants carry a spoon in their pockets?"

The
flight attendant answered, "We had an efficiency expert in to

evaluate
our operation. He determined that 25% of the customers knock
the spoon
off
their tray tables. By carrying a spare spoon, we
all save trips to the
galley and can be much more
efficient."

Later, as the flight attendant is picking his dirty tray up, the

customer
asked, "Excuse me for asking but why do you have a string
hanging from
your fly?"

The flight attendant replied, "The
efficiency expert determined that
we
were spending too much t
ime washing our hands after we went to the
bathroom. To counteract
this, we tie strings to our penises."

The customer looked
confused. "How does that help?" he asked.

"Well, when I go to the
bathroom I just use the string. Since I never
touched myself I don't
need to wash my hands."

The customer nodded and asked, "But how
do you get it back in your
pants?"

The flight attendant
smiled, "I don't know about the other guys, but
I use
the
spoon."

If it took six pigs two hours to eat the apples
in the
orchard, how many hours would it take three pigs?
None,
because the six pigs have already eaten them all.