Jokes Collection
Enjoy our collection of over 100,000 jokes. Find humor for every occasion and share laughs with friends and family.
Featured Joke
"Can I help you?" the madam asked
"I want Natalie," the elderly man replied.
"Sir, Natalie is our most expensive lady, perhaps someone else..."
"No," said the man, "I must see Natalie."
Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges $10,000 per visit. Without blinking, the man reached into his pocket and handed her 100 hundred dollar bills. The two went up to a room for an hour, after which the man calmly left.
The next night he appeared again, demanding to see Natalie. The madam explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts. It was still $10,000 per visit. Again, the man took out the money and the two went up to the room.
When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again he handed Natalie the money, and up to the room they went. At the end of the hour, Natalie questioned the man: "No one has ever paid for my services three nights in a row. Where are you from?"
The old man replied, "I'm from Philadelphia."
"Really?" replied Natalie "I have family who live there."
"Yes, I know," said the old man. "Your father died; I'm your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $30,000."
So the moral here is that some things in life are certain: death, taxes, and being screwed by an attorney.
"I want Natalie," the elderly man replied.
"Sir, Natalie is our most expensive lady, perhaps someone else..."
"No," said the man, "I must see Natalie."
Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges $10,000 per visit. Without blinking, the man reached into his pocket and handed her 100 hundred dollar bills. The two went up to a room for an hour, after which the man calmly left.
The next night he appeared again, demanding to see Natalie. The madam explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts. It was still $10,000 per visit. Again, the man took out the money and the two went up to the room.
When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again he handed Natalie the money, and up to the room they went. At the end of the hour, Natalie questioned the man: "No one has ever paid for my services three nights in a row. Where are you from?"
The old man replied, "I'm from Philadelphia."
"Really?" replied Natalie "I have family who live there."
"Yes, I know," said the old man. "Your father died; I'm your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $30,000."
So the moral here is that some things in life are certain: death, taxes, and being screwed by an attorney.
Latest Jokes
How does the captain know the aircraft is
safely at the ramp?
Both the engines and the co-pilot stop whining.
safely at the ramp?
Both the engines and the co-pilot stop whining.
An airplane pilot dies at the controls.
He goes to Hell. The devil takes him to the 'newly arrived' area.
There are three doors, marked 1, 2, and 3. The devil tells the pilot
that
he is going to get to choose his own hell, but first, the devil
has to
take care of something first, and disappears.
The
curious pilot looks behind door number one. He sees a pilot going
through flight checks for all eternity. He looks behind door number two,
and he sees a pilot that forever finds himself trying to resolve
emergency situations. He looks behind the last door, and sees a Captain
being
waited on hand and foot by scantily-clad
stewardesses.
The devil returns just as the pilot gets back to his waiting position.
He offers the pilot a choice of door number one or two. The pilot
says,
"I wanted door number three!"
"Sorry," replies the devil,
"that's 'flight attendant's
hell'."
He goes to Hell. The devil takes him to the 'newly arrived' area.
There are three doors, marked 1, 2, and 3. The devil tells the pilot
that
he is going to get to choose his own hell, but first, the devil
has to
take care of something first, and disappears.
The
curious pilot looks behind door number one. He sees a pilot going
through flight checks for all eternity. He looks behind door number two,
and he sees a pilot that forever finds himself trying to resolve
emergency situations. He looks behind the last door, and sees a Captain
being
waited on hand and foot by scantily-clad
stewardesses.
The devil returns just as the pilot gets back to his waiting position.
He offers the pilot a choice of door number one or two. The pilot
says,
"I wanted door number three!"
"Sorry," replies the devil,
"that's 'flight attendant's
hell'."
It was mealtime on a small airline and the
flight attendant asked the passenger if he would like
dinner.
"What are my choices?" he asked.
"Yes or No," she replied.
flight attendant asked the passenger if he would like
dinner.
"What are my choices?" he asked.
"Yes or No," she replied.
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into
Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the
final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an
extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and
announced,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain
in your seats
with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis
what's left of our
airplane to the gate!"
Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the
final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an
extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and
announced,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain
in your seats
with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis
what's left of our
airplane to the gate!"
Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival
announcement: "We'd like to
thank you folks for flying with us today.
And, the next time you get the
insane urge to go blasting through the
skies in a pressurized metal
tube, we hope you'll think of us here
at US Airways."
announcement: "We'd like to
thank you folks for flying with us today.
And, the next time you get the
insane urge to go blasting through the
skies in a pressurized metal
tube, we hope you'll think of us here
at US Airways."
After a real crusher of a landing in
Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen,
please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought
the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the
tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll
open the
door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the
terminal."
Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen,
please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought
the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the
tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll
open the
door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the
terminal."
An
airline pilot wrote that on this
particular flight he had hammered his
ship into the runway really hard.
The airline had a policy which
required the first officer to stand
at the door while the passengers exited,
smile, and give them a
"Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that
in light of his bad
landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers
in the eye, thinking
that someone would have a smart comment. Finally,
everyone had
gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a
cane. She
said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no,
Ma'am," said
the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did
we land or
were we shot down?"
airline pilot wrote that on this
particular flight he had hammered his
ship into the runway really hard.
The airline had a policy which
required the first officer to stand
at the door while the passengers exited,
smile, and give them a
"Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that
in light of his bad
landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers
in the eye, thinking
that someone would have a smart comment. Finally,
everyone had
gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a
cane. She
said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no,
Ma'am," said
the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did
we land or
were we shot down?"
Another flight
Attendant's comment on a
less than perfect landing: "We ask you to
please remain seated as
Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
Attendant's comment on a
less than perfect landing: "We ask you to
please remain seated as
Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
From the pilot during his welcome message:
"We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the
industry... Unfortunately none of them are on this flight.
"We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the
industry... Unfortunately none of them are on this flight.
United
Airlines FA: "Ladies and
Gentlemen, as you are all now painfully aware, our
Captain has landed in
Seattle. From all of us at United Airlines we'd
like to thank you for
flying with us today and please be very careful
as you open the
overhead bins as you may be killed by falling luggage
that shifted
during our so called "touch down."
Airlines FA: "Ladies and
Gentlemen, as you are all now painfully aware, our
Captain has landed in
Seattle. From all of us at United Airlines we'd
like to thank you for
flying with us today and please be very careful
as you open the
overhead bins as you may be killed by falling luggage
that shifted
during our so called "touch down."
Pilot says:
"Folks, we have reached our
cruising altitude now, so I am going to
switch the seat belt sign
off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but
please stay inside the
plane till we land...it's a bit cold outside, and
if you walk on
the wings it affects the flight pattern."
"Folks, we have reached our
cruising altitude now, so I am going to
switch the seat belt sign
off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but
please stay inside the
plane till we land...it's a bit cold outside, and
if you walk on
the wings it affects the flight pattern."
From a
Southwest Airlines employee: "There
may be 50 ways to leave your
lover, but there are only 4 ways out
of this aircraft..."
Southwest Airlines employee: "There
may be 50 ways to leave your
lover, but there are only 4 ways out
of this aircraft..."
The German controllers at Frankfurt Airport
were often short-tempered. They not only expected you to know your
parking location but how to get there without any assistance from
them. So
it was with some amusement that we (PanAm 747) listened to
the following
exchange between Frankfurt ground and a British Airways
747 (radio call
Speedbird 206) after landing.
Speedbird 206:
"Good morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the
active."
Ground: "Guten morgan, taxi to your gate."
The British Airways 747
pulls onto the main taxiway and stops.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not
know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, ground, I'm
looking up the gate location
now."
Ground (with typical German
impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you
never flown to Frankfurt
before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, in 1944. But I didn't stop."
were often short-tempered. They not only expected you to know your
parking location but how to get there without any assistance from
them. So
it was with some amusement that we (PanAm 747) listened to
the following
exchange between Frankfurt ground and a British Airways
747 (radio call
Speedbird 206) after landing.
Speedbird 206:
"Good morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the
active."
Ground: "Guten morgan, taxi to your gate."
The British Airways 747
pulls onto the main taxiway and stops.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not
know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, ground, I'm
looking up the gate location
now."
Ground (with typical German
impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you
never flown to Frankfurt
before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, in 1944. But I didn't stop."
Passengers on a Lufthansa flight heard this
announcement from the captain, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am sorry to
inform you that we have lost power to all of our engines and will
shortly
crash into the ocean." The passengers were obviously very
worried about
this situation, but were somewhat comforted by the
captain's next
announcement. "Ladies and Gentlemen, we at Lufthansa
have prepared for
such an emergency, and we would now like you to
rearrange your seating so
that all the non-swimmers are on the left
side of the plane, and all
the swimmers are on the right side."
After this announcement, all the passengers rearranged their seating to
comply with the captain's request. Two minutes later, the captain
made
a belly landing in the ocean.
The captain once again made
an announcement, "Ladies and Gentlemen we
have crashed into the
ocean. All of the swimmers on the right side of
the plane, open you
r emergency exits and quickly swim away from the
plane. For all of
the non-swimmers on the left side of plane... "Thank You
For Flying
Lufthansa."
announcement from the captain, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am sorry to
inform you that we have lost power to all of our engines and will
shortly
crash into the ocean." The passengers were obviously very
worried about
this situation, but were somewhat comforted by the
captain's next
announcement. "Ladies and Gentlemen, we at Lufthansa
have prepared for
such an emergency, and we would now like you to
rearrange your seating so
that all the non-swimmers are on the left
side of the plane, and all
the swimmers are on the right side."
After this announcement, all the passengers rearranged their seating to
comply with the captain's request. Two minutes later, the captain
made
a belly landing in the ocean.
The captain once again made
an announcement, "Ladies and Gentlemen we
have crashed into the
ocean. All of the swimmers on the right side of
the plane, open you
r emergency exits and quickly swim away from the
plane. For all of
the non-swimmers on the left side of plane... "Thank You
For Flying
Lufthansa."
An airline pilot was scheduled to take a
flight from New York to Los
Angeles. The weather was too bad in New York
to allow his usual on time
departure. The weather in New York
finally cleared and the pilot asked
for
his departure clearance. He
was very dismayed to hear that he had
another delay due to the
increased traffic now leaving New York.
Sometime later he finally
received his clearance and decided he would
try to make up the time
lost by asking for a direct route to Los
Angeles. Halfway across the
country he was told to turn due South. Knowing
that this turn would
now throw him further behind schedule he inquired,
quite
agitated, to the controller for the reason of the turn off course. The
controller replied that the turn was for noise abatement.
The pilot
was infuriated and said to the controller, "Look buddy, I am
already way behind schedule with all the delays you guys have given me
today. I really don't see how I could be causing a noise problem
for
pedestrians when I am over 6 miles above the earth!"
The
controller answered in a calm voice, "Apparently, Captain, you
have
never heard two 747's collide!"
flight from New York to Los
Angeles. The weather was too bad in New York
to allow his usual on time
departure. The weather in New York
finally cleared and the pilot asked
for
his departure clearance. He
was very dismayed to hear that he had
another delay due to the
increased traffic now leaving New York.
Sometime later he finally
received his clearance and decided he would
try to make up the time
lost by asking for a direct route to Los
Angeles. Halfway across the
country he was told to turn due South. Knowing
that this turn would
now throw him further behind schedule he inquired,
quite
agitated, to the controller for the reason of the turn off course. The
controller replied that the turn was for noise abatement.
The pilot
was infuriated and said to the controller, "Look buddy, I am
already way behind schedule with all the delays you guys have given me
today. I really don't see how I could be causing a noise problem
for
pedestrians when I am over 6 miles above the earth!"
The
controller answered in a calm voice, "Apparently, Captain, you
have
never heard two 747's collide!"
Flying to Los Angeles from San Francisco the
other day, a
passenger noticed that the "Fasten Seat Belts" sign was
kept lit during the
whole journey although the flight was a
particularly smooth one.
Just before landing, he asked the stewardess
about it.
"Well," she explained, "up front there are 17
University of
California girls going to Los Angeles for the
weekend.
"In back, there are 25 Coast Guard enlistees. What would you
do?"
other day, a
passenger noticed that the "Fasten Seat Belts" sign was
kept lit during the
whole journey although the flight was a
particularly smooth one.
Just before landing, he asked the stewardess
about it.
"Well," she explained, "up front there are 17
University of
California girls going to Los Angeles for the
weekend.
"In back, there are 25 Coast Guard enlistees. What would you
do?"
Brendan had spent a week
visiting his
family in Kentucky. His sister-in-law and seven-year-old
nephew went
with him when he returned to the airport. After verifying his
seat
number with the counter attendant, Brendan walked back to his
relatives and stated that he'd have to wait an additional three hours in
the airport.
"How come?," his nephew asked.
"My plane
has been grounded," Brendan explained.
"Grounded?" the little boy
said. "I didn't know planes had
parents."
visiting his
family in Kentucky. His sister-in-law and seven-year-old
nephew went
with him when he returned to the airport. After verifying his
seat
number with the counter attendant, Brendan walked back to his
relatives and stated that he'd have to wait an additional three hours in
the airport.
"How come?," his nephew asked.
"My plane
has been grounded," Brendan explained.
"Grounded?" the little boy
said. "I didn't know planes had
parents."
A student was heading home for the holidays.
When she got to
the airline counter, she presented her ticket to New
York. As she gave
the agent her luggage, she made the remark, "I'd
like you to send my
green suitcase to Hawaii, and my red suitcase
to London."
The confused agent said, "I'm sorry, we can't do
that."
"Really??? I am so relieved to hear you say that because
that's
exactly what you did to my luggage last year!"
When she got to
the airline counter, she presented her ticket to New
York. As she gave
the agent her luggage, she made the remark, "I'd
like you to send my
green suitcase to Hawaii, and my red suitcase
to London."
The confused agent said, "I'm sorry, we can't do
that."
"Really??? I am so relieved to hear you say that because
that's
exactly what you did to my luggage last year!"
A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool
on the aviation frequencies.
This was his first time
approaching a field during the nighttime, and
instead of making any
official requests to the tower, he said, "Guess
who?"
The
controller switched the field lights off and replied, "Guess
where!"
on the aviation frequencies.
This was his first time
approaching a field during the nighttime, and
instead of making any
official requests to the tower, he said, "Guess
who?"
The
controller switched the field lights off and replied, "Guess
where!"
An airline pilot wrote that on this
particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard.
The airline had a policy, which required the first officer to stand at
the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a "Thanks
for
flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he
had a
hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that
someone
would have a smart comment, but no one seemed
annoyed.
Finally everyone had gotten off except for one little old lady walking
with a cane. She approached and asked, conspiratorially, "Sonny,
mind
if I ask you a question?"
"Why no Ma'am, what is
it?"
"Did we land or were we shot down?"
particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard.
The airline had a policy, which required the first officer to stand at
the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a "Thanks
for
flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he
had a
hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that
someone
would have a smart comment, but no one seemed
annoyed.
Finally everyone had gotten off except for one little old lady walking
with a cane. She approached and asked, conspiratorially, "Sonny,
mind
if I ask you a question?"
"Why no Ma'am, what is
it?"
"Did we land or were we shot down?"
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