Jokes Collection

Tower: Cannot read you, say again!
Pilot:
Again!

Tower:
Mission triple-three, do you have
problems?
Pilot: I think, I have lost my compass.
Tower: Judging
the way you are flying, you lost the whole instrument
panel..

Tower: Lufthansa 893, you're
number one,
check for workers on the taxiway.
Pilot: Roger ..... We've
checked, they're all working.

Pilot: Tower, there's a runway light
burning.
Tower: I'm sure there must be dozens of lights
burning.
Pilot: Sorry, I mean it's smoking.

LH741: Tower, give me a rough time check

Tower: It's Thursday, Sir.

Tower:
Have you got enough fuel or
not?
Pilot: Yes.
Tower: Yes what??
Pilot: Yes, SIR!

Tower: Shamu two-two, please
state
estimated time of arrival.
Pilot: Ok, let's see..., I think Tuesday
would be nice...

Pilot: Tower, please call me
a fuel
truck.
Tower: Roger. You are a fuel truck.

How many pilots does it take to change a
light
bulb?
None, it is done by the automatic pilot.

A man walks up to the
counter at the
airport. "Can I help you?" asks the agent.

"I want a round trip
ticket," says the man.

"Where to?" asks the agent.

"Right
back to here."

A man telephoned an airline office in New
York
and asked, "How long does it take to fly to Boston?"
The clerk
said, "Just a minute..."
"Thank you," the man said and hung up.

Cessna: "Jones tower, Cessna 12345, student
pilot, I am out of
fuel."
Tower: "Roger Cessna 12345, reduce
airspeed to best glide!! Do you
have the airfield in
sight?!?!!"
Cessna: "Uh...tower, I am on the south ramp; I just want to know where

the fuel truck is."

"Flight 1234, for noise
abatement turn
right 45 degrees.."
"But Center, we are at 35,000 feet, how much noise
can we make up
here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 707
makes when it hits a
727?"

A young guy in a two-engine fighter was
flying
escort for a B-52 and generally being a nuisance, acting like a
hotdog,
flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber. The hotdog
said over the
air, "Anything you can do, I can do better."

The
veteran bomber pilot answered, "Try this hot-shot."
The B-52
continued its flight, straight and level.

Perplexed, the hotdog asked,
"So? What did you do?"
"I just shut down two engines, kid."

A pilot and a co-pilot were descending for a
landing at an airport
they had never been to before. The pilot
looked out the windshield, and
suddenly exclaimed to the co-pilot:
"Holy cow! Look how short the runway
is! I've never seen one that
short!"

The co-pilot looked out the windshield. "Wow! you're right!
That's
incredible! Are you sure we can make it?"
"Well we
better, we're almost out of fuel."

So the captain got on the
intercom, and notified the passengers to put
their heads between their
knees, and prepare for an emergency landing.
Then he set the flaps to
full down, and slowed the plane to just over
stall speed. The big
jumbo jet came screaming in, on the ragged edge of
control. The
pilot's hands were sweating, the co-pilot was praying.

They touched
down, and came screeching to a halt just before the edge
of the
runway, the tires smoking.

"HEW! That was CLOSE!" yelled the
captain. "That runway was SHORT!"
"Yeah!" said the co-pilot, "and
WIDE too!"

Taxiing down the tarmac,
the jetliner
abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate.
After an
hour-long wait, it finally took off.

A concerned passenger asked
the flight attendant, "What was the
problem?"

"The pilot was
bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained
the flight
attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new
pilot."

An airplane was flying from LA to New York.
About an
hour into the flight, the pilot announced, "We have lost an
engine,
but don't worry, there are three left. However, instead of 5
hours
it will take 7 hours to get to New York."

A little later, the
pilot announced, "A second engine failed, but we
still have two
left. However, it will take 10 hours to get to New

York."

Somewhat later, the pilot again came on the intercom and announced, "A

third engine had died. Never fear, because the plane can fly on a

single engine. However, it will now take 18 hours to get to new
York."

At this point, one passenger said, "Gee, I hope we don't lose that

last engine, or we'll be up here forever!"

While cruising at 40,000
feet, the
airplane shuddered and Mr. Benson looked out the window.
"Good lord!" he
screamed, "one of the engines just blew up!"

Other passengers
left their seats and came running over; suddenly the
aircraft was
rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on
the other
side.

The passengers were in a panic now, and even the
stewardesses couldn't
maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling
confidently, the
pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone
that there was
nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanor
seemed made most of the
passengers feel better, and they sat down as
the pilot calmly walked to
the door of the aircraft. There, he
grabbed several packages from under
the seatsand began handing them to
the flight attendants. Each crew
member attatched the package to
their backs.

"Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "aren't tho
se parachutes?"

The pilot said they were.

The passenger
went on, "But I thought you said there was nothing to
worry
about?"

"There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded.

"We're going to get help."

As the airliner was preparing to land in

Madrid in a rainstorm, an English passenger seemed noticeably afraid.

"What's the problem, fellow?" asked his seat mate.

"Surely,"
said the Englishman, "you've heard the saying, 'The
planes in
Spain fall mainly in the rains!!'"

After the first
takeoff of the fully
automatic airplane, the passengers heard the soothing,
reassuring voice
of the pilot: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your
automatic pilot.
In my modern and carefully tested sytem an error is
absolutely
impossible, absolutely impossible, absolutely impossible,
..."